Idiots on Message Boards

OK, so I get a lot of traffic from smart people on message boards.  People who post things like:  "Funniest blog evah - check it out biotches" or "This is hilarious - MUST read."

I see these message boards pop up in my stats and of course I have to trot over there and see who thinks I'm hysterical.  Mixed in with the lovers is the occasional bitchy individual who has to say something like, "Not very funny IMO." or "She's so whiny and she swears too much.  VERY conceited."

Tonight was a slow night and I started trolling through one of the message boards and all I can say is:  WTF?!  Talk about first world problems.  No, I take that back.  These posters have more than first world problems, these people are just idiots.  There were a few who literally could not wipe their asses without advice from the blogosphere.  Here is a small sample of thread topics I saw tonight and what I would like to respond with just to fuck with them:

1.  My poop is small and hard.  I get plenty of fiber.  What gives?  Obviously not your colon.  BTW, TMI.  This is a playgroup message board, no one wants to hear about your backup.  Just sayin'.

2.  Just ordered $300 worth of clothes from Gap and another $200 from Old Navy.  Should I go ahead and keep the ON even though I didn't have a coupon when I ordered?  Ewww, you use coupons?  That's a joke, right?  Gap and Old Navy are so cheap.  I didn't think anyone used a coupon there.  These clothes are for your nanny, right?  I mean, you're family isn't wearing them?  Have you seen this article about my wardrobe?  I have fabulous pieces and none of them are from Gap.

3.  Reeived $300 worth of clothes from Gap and now I need to return about $200 worth.  Should I drive (20 minutes) or return by mail?  Why do you all spend $300 at Gap or is this the same person as above?  I think you should return $50 worth by mail, drive $50 to the store, donate $50 worth and see if your neighbor will buy the other $50 worth.

4.  Should I put my 3 year old and 5 year old alone on a 1 hour bus ride to camp this summer?  No!  I send the nanny with my kids on the bus and then make her hitchhike back to the city.  She really enjoys the fresh air in the country, so it's like a bonus for her.

5.  We make $150K per year - can we afford private school in Manhattan or are we screwed?  OMG, I just spit out my coffee when I read that.  Yeah, you're soooo poor for NYC.  You're screwed.  You better move to Jersey now while you can still afford to get off the island.

6.  I want to write a novel.  Would you read it?  Absolutely not.  I only look at the pictures in magazines.

7.  I'm 44 and 5 foot 7 - how much should I weigh?  Depends.  Where do you do you live?  123 pounds is what I found when I Google'd it, but that still sounds kind of "puffy" IMO, better make it 110.

8.  Almost 6 year old daughter can write "Did he get a shot?"  Impressive or not?  Not.  My 5 year old (which is what an almost 6 year old is BTW) wrote her own essay for her school applications.  Nailed it!  

9.  Did anyone raise their kid the first year without help?  The horror!  Of course not!  Where do you live?  In a cave?  Is that common where you are?  I had help before we even had kids - I needed the practice dealing with a staff.    

10.  $1K for stroller - good deal or no?  Hmm...sounds a little cheap to me.  Are you sure you're getting this year's model? 

11.  I just knocked on my neighbor's door to deliver mail I received for her.  Middle of the day and she's eating a cookie.  Binge eater?  Of course she is!  What a pig!  I hope you moved away from the cookie and didn't give in to the peer pressure to eat solid foods.


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