You might be a suburban mom if ...
Your full-time job is unpaid volunteer at your children's school.
You've taken a crossfit, barre, hot yoga, pole dancing, kettlebell, or aqua zumba class.
You've ever adopted a vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, or paleo diet -- and it had nothing to do with allergies.
The people who work at the checkout at Target know your cycle.
You think yoga pants can be worn anywhere -- including formal events.
You pay hundreds of dollars a week to attend music, art, and gym classes to "socialize" your newborn baby.
You have a chandelier in your laundry room.
You have a home-based sales business where you sell makeup, cooking utensils, pre-packaged food, sex toys, or handbags out of the trunk of your minivan.
You go to the gym and put your kid in the childcare while you drink coffee and check your email in the cafe.
You ever used a Groupon for vagazzling, eyelash extensions, or Botox.
Your eight-year-old is a "competitive" athlete.
You buy wine and organic produce in bulk.
You have a blog.
OK, what did I miss? Let me know.
Don't miss my BOOKS!
Hilarious! Punctuating it with "You have a blog" caught me off guard and now I have to clean coffee off of my computer monitor.
ReplyDeleteWell played!
funny and true.
ReplyDeleteYou drive your kids the less than a mile to school, and wait in the 30 min drop off line, in perfect weather...maybe that's just a so cal thing. .. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh my god, yes!!!!! We do that here in Kansas too.
DeleteHa ha- My husband and I just commented on this! They will even get there 30 min. before drop off and just sit there so they are first in line! We are in IL.
DeleteYou drive your kid to the bus stop that is only 5 houses away from your house...
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ReplyDeleteYou have a formal dining room decorated to the "Pinterest 9's" but all you meals are eaten at the breakfast bar or in a car driving to scouts, music lesson, sports practice, etc!
ReplyDeleteHaha YES
DeleteSheltering suburban mom!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/photos/best-of-the-sheltering-suburban-mom-meme
you've ever had/thought about having a potty party or any other party to celebrate trivial mile stones in your child's life.
ReplyDeleteBusted!
ReplyDeleteOh, and discussed every phase your kid is going through even though it's not unique or interesting to anyone else. Guilty!
hmmm, I think I fall under red neck mom not living in a mobile home park. I used to. (queue "Moving On Up")
ReplyDeleteYou own a 7+ person car but ride with others on group trips because you don't want to struggle with the car seats.
ReplyDeleteYes, this. So very much.
Delete...if you don't understand why people want to punch you in the throat for doing all these things!
ReplyDeleteYou can't wear your yoga pants everywhere? You are joking right?
ReplyDeleteI know right? I'm like, "Hey, at least it's not pajamas!"
DeleteYou ride in the backseat with your baby while your husband drives.
ReplyDeleteOMG My son is 17 years old now and I was guilty riding with my "baby" who was actually 3 or 4. LOL
DeleteYou use car magnets to prove to other drivers how much more awesome/busy/stressed you are with sports, church, vacation spots, schools, and clubs.
ReplyDeleteYou consider a cell call from someone on a committee you chair a reasonable emergency/excuse to interupt a conversation over coffee with a friend.
ReplyDeleteYou or any home within three houses from yours fills their recycle bin weekly with wine bottles.
ReplyDeleteLmfao!
Delete"Target knows your cycle" = me LMAO
ReplyDelete* you are in at least one book club in which the book is the topic of discussion for less than 10 minutes and your kids and other moms for the rest.
ReplyDeleteYou're in the process of getting a tramp stamp removed. "Just 6 more treatments and my 'dat ass' tattoo is practically invisible!"
ReplyDeleteYou changed the saying to, "it's 2:30 somewhere" and think that's an acceptable time to start drinking wine, especially if there's a storm...or it's dark out early...or...yeah...always.
ReplyDeletewww.crybabysoup.org
Shit! I'm all of these! Wait. Nope. I don't have a chandelier in my laundry room or a home run shopping business.
ReplyDeleteSo true, lol. But I don't sell jewelry or purses from my car, I sell wine. Winning!
ReplyDeleteHave ever filled a prescription for Prozac for your dog.
ReplyDeleteThis piece is HILARIOUS... and the comments are also a hoot. (My favorite? Puppy Prozac.)
ReplyDelete