Open Letter to Elizabeth Lloyd

If you missed this story, read about it here.  I had to write a letter to this Asshat.

Dear Elizabeth,

I've been hearing a lot about you lately.  Don't worry, I assure you, none of it's good.  I've been hearing about the fact that you've decided to bring several lawsuits against a little kid who hit you with a ball at a Little League game.  People feel very strongly about this fact and I've come to realize the general consensus is that everyone thinks you're a piece of shit.


Wow.  What do you think of that?  Do you think the public is being too harsh on your behavior?  I don't know.  So far, I haven't found out much about you.  All I know is that you chose to sit at a picnic table near a bullpen, got hit in the face, may or may not (depending on the account) required surgery to fix your face and then you thought it was a good idea to sue a child for $500,000.  Yeah, you sound like a twat.


If you ask me, the worst one in this whole mess is your stupid fucking husband who has joined in on the suit and is now suing for "loss of consortium."  Basically, your husband is suing because he hasn't been getting much since the accident and he blames the kid too.  


Ha!  If this accident caused your disinterest in "consortium" then half the husbands I know should sue their own kids!  I may not have gotten hit in the face with a baseball, but after a long day of wrangling kids, answering unending questions, listening to made up knock knock jokes, wiping poopy bottoms, getting hundreds of drinks and fighting invisible closet monsters, I too am disinterested in "consortium."  I guess my husband should sue our kids for his "loss of consortium."  Is your attorney available?  I think he might be just the moron to take the case. 

Seriously, I cannot tell you how much you and your lawsuit disgusts me.  I am so sick and tired of people like you (and your dipshit husband and the asshole attorney who took on your bogus case) who sue over the dumbest shit.  You are the worst kind of person.  You are the type of person who takes absolutely no responsibility for your actions.  You are the type of asshole who would sue a city because you fell off the curb while walking and texting.    

Because of people like you scooters need warnings on them.

Look, I can sympathize that you got hit in the face with a ball.  I'm sure it hurt.  I'm sure it did some damage, but come on.  How hard could he have thrown it?  He was 11.  You probably got a black eye and maybe a broken nose.  I hardly doubt you needed multiple reconstructive surgeries or whatever you're claiming.  (You're not the lady who had her face eaten off by her friend's chimpanzee.)  People get hit with balls all the time.  It happens.  You were at a ball field where little kids were throwing balls.  You have to assume there is some risk when you walk into that ball park.  


Maybe I'm the idiot.  Maybe I'm leaving money on the table every day.  Instead of fighting against asshats like you, I should be joining.  Let's see.  What could I sue for?


My imaginary lawsuits:  

My kid fell at a soccer game and broke her arm.  I should probably sue the two 4 year olds who tripped her, the manufacturer of the ball she was kicking, the fields she was playing on and Gatorade just for good measure (she drank a little Gatorade before the game and it might have upset her ability to run and kick and dodge other preschoolers effectively).  


Yesterday I went to the movies with my kid.  A baby cried during the entire movie.  Yes, it was the dollar-special-summer-kids-movie completely designed and marketed to kids, but still.  That baby disrupted my viewing pleasure.  I think I should sue the baby and the theater and Pixar for not making the sound loud enough to cover a baby's cries.


A teenager at the pool broke my friend's pool noodle.  That noodle was a special toy for her daughter and her daughter was devastated when it broke.  My friend offered to buy another $3 noodle, but her daughter couldn't be assuaged.  My friend should sue that teenager for mental anguish and the pool noodle people for making such a shoddy product.


All of these imaginary lawsuits seem dumb, but the sad thing is, if people like you continue to sue over ridiculous things these won't be imaginary.  


I hope you lose your suits and I hope the judge orders you to pay all the defense costs for the boy and his family.  I hope the judge bans you from attending any and all sporting events where a ball might accidentally hit you.  I hope the judge requires you to spend some time with people who are truly injured - people who have lost limbs and eyes in real accidents so you can see what that looks like.    


I also hope you trip off your own front porch and wreck your new nose and you've got no one to sue but yourself.


Oh and one more thing, please let your husband know that Lubriderm is on sale this week at Costco.  I suggest he get some, it might help with his...needs.


Jen