The Evil Birthday Clown

Well, just when I thought only potty parties and Marie Antoinette-themed first birthday parties were some of the worst party ideas I'd ever heard of, I read about Dominic Deville, The Evil Birthday Clown.

Holy shit!  This is a clown that you pay to stalk and terrify your child.  As if clowns weren't scary enough for most people!  This guy will send threatening letters and text messages to your kid warning him that he's being watched and the scary clown is coming for him!  When your child least expects it, the scary looking clown will jump out of some dark alley and pie your kid in the face.

Happy Birthday, Champ!
Can you imagine the therapy bills for this kid?  My kid can't go see the circus without having nightmares of getting seltzer water in the face by a friendly, happy clown.  How about being systematically stalked and tormented by a creepy clown?!

What kind of parent pays this guy and thinks it's a good idea?  I guess, maybe for a teenager or a grown adult child, but definitely not for a kid.

Can you imagine the conversation when you're picking this guy for your birthday party theme?

Mom:  I'm at a loss this year for what to do for Nashville's birthday.  Everything has already been done by everyone in his class!

Dad:  Well, I was reading HuffPo today -

Mom:  Ugh, what did that rag say?  Donate trees in his honor?  Adopt a mile of highway and clean it up?  Name a star for him?

Dad:  No, actually, I was pleasantly surprised, they had an idea I thought you would love.  It's straight from Switzerland.

Mom:  Switzerland?  That's near France, right?  Those French moms are considered the best moms in the world right now.  Do the French moms do this party?

Dad:  I don't know about the French moms.  It's the Swiss moms who are doing this.  Surely the Swiss moms are the next European mommies to be envied.  You'll be ahead of the curve!

Mom:  I would think so!

Dad:  Anyway, this guy, his name is Dominic.  He's a Swiss actor and you can hire him to dress up like a clown and entertain your child for his birthday.

Mom:  Hmm...I don't know.  Clowns are so boring, especially for 7 year olds.

Dad:  This clown is different.  We hire this guy to scare Nashville.

Mom:  Hmm....He does love those Goosebumps books.

Dad:  Right.  So we hire this guy and he has a really interesting and unique way he scares the kids.  He...sort of...terrorizes Nashville.

Mom:  Oh?  How so?

Dad:  He sends threatening messages to him that he's following him and that he's watching his behavior.  He knows if he's good or bad -

Mom:  Ooh!  Like Seamus Pickleton, our Elf on the Shelf!

Dad:  Yeah.  He's like a real live Elf on the Shelf.  Anyway, he lets Nashville know that he always knows where he is and the Scary Clown can get him at any time - day or night.

Mom:  Fun!

Dad:  I know, right?  Then, when Nashville is good and freaked out - BAM!  Dominic comes out of nowhere.  I was actually thinking it would be great for him to come out of Nashville's closet.  He jumps out looking like a deranged clown who escaped from a mental hospital and throws a pie in his face.

Mom:  I.  Love.  It.  No one has done this yet.  Can you imagine what my Bunko group will say when they hear about this one?  They will be so jealous that Nashville will have his own stalker!  They will all wish they could get my scary clown for their party, but it will be already done.  Boom.

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