What Happened to the Olympics?

Are you watching the Olympics? When I was a kid I loved to watch the Olympics. I dreamed of being a gymnast or an ice skater (until I realized how early they have to get up in the morning to train - isn't there an Olympic sport that trains between 11 am and 2 pm?). Can you imagine if snowboarding had been an Olympic sport back in the day? Every burner in my high school would have thought they might be an Olympic hopeful. Actually, the Olympics have made a pretty convincing argument for any teen caught getting high. In the wise words of my uncle, "People who think that smoking weed impairs your abilities has never watched Olympic snowboarding."

I must admit, I haven't watched very many events this year. I've found that if I do watch the Olympics, I have to do it with the sound off, because I can't stand listening to the commentators any more. They ask some of the most ridiculous questions. It doesn't matter if the athlete has won or lost, the interviewer still has to ask stupid questions like, "Jen, you've worked your entire life and sacrificed everything to be here today only to lose the gold by 1/10ths of a second. Do you feel like a failure? Do you think your mom thinks you're a failure? She's been at all of your events growing up and this was your last chance since you're so old, I doubt you could come back in four years. Do you think you've let America down?"

"Jen, are you crying because all of America hates you now? Will you move to Canada?"

I'm barely exaggerating. Did you see the Bode Miller interview with NBC correspondent Christin Cooper? It was painful to watch. Christin was relentless in her questioning.

Here is my brother's interpretation of the interview: "Bode, tell me about your dead brother. Are you sad because you didn't get gold for your dead brother? Tell me about the emotions you have about your dead brother. Oh, you're crying. I'm sorry. Is it because your brother is dead?"

(Yeah, my family is funny. We get gold medals in snark. You can practice for those at the dinner table.)

If it isn't the "you suck" interview, then it's the "you've overcome so much to win" interview. "Jen, congratulations! At 45-years-old, after 180 surgeries, a near fatal concussion at the Vancouver games, a car accident six months ago where you broke your hand, and a dog bite in downtown Sochi just yesterday, you've overcome the odds and just won the gold medal in Olympic speed skating. How do you feel? Are you excited? Is it exhilarating to have your entire family here witnessing this moment? We were told that 35 members of your family did a Kickstarter campaign to fund their trip here. They raised more money than they needed and they're going to donate the excess to a local orphanage. How does that make you feel? Do you think you're a hero? Are you a hero, Jen? Do you think America is proud of you?"

What about you? Are you watching the Olympics? What is your favorite event?

*Disclaimer: NBC nor the Olympics sponsored this post, but they should totally let me do commentary Mystery Science Theater 3000 style. I could totally improve their abysmal ratings.

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