Moms Who Drink and Swear and I Have a Conversation

I can always count on Nikki at Moms Who Drink and Swear to find asshats in the internet. Today is no exception. She sent me a link to this dreamboat who shared his 10 things he finds unattractive in women and then made the mistake of asking me what I think. Well, since I'm a big mouthed, know it all, my first reply was, “Who the fuck does this guy think he is?” and “Damn. I'm like half that list. Am I annoying?” and that started the ball rolling for a conversation between MWDAS and PIWTPITT.


MWDAS: Jen, I love you. And I’m not talking about some lesbian, hot for your junk love, although I find you incredibly attractive in a non-sexual way, ‘cause I’m not into chicks per se. What I’m talking about when I express love is my love for your mind. I guess that’s why I sent you the link to the 10 things men find attractive about women pile of asshair. I realize this poor excuse for an article wasn’t merely a vehicle to showcase this writer’s style and substance, because it’s a complete shit show, but obviously a desperate attempt to enrage women and get page views for advertising revenue. I may be a therapist, but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why this motherfucker wrote it in the first place.

I think he needed something to do while waiting for his dick to crawl out of it’s hiding spot in his asshole. Or he wrote it in order to earn a few more dollars to pay his mommy back for racking up a massive online porn bill on her credit card, because if he doesn’t, she won’t cook him meatloaf dinners or wash his crunchy, jizz-filled tube socks and shit stained tighty-whities anymore.

PIWTPITT: Nikki, This douchebag obviously lives in his mother's dark, dank basement with about 50 cats and types asinine lists with fingers permanently stained with Cheeto dust. He obviously hasn't spoken to a live woman (dudes posing as girls in chat rooms don't count) in his life or else he'd know that by writing this list he's sealing his fate to die alone with only his cats for company. 

MWDAS: A friend sent me the link with the caption, “too easy.” I agree. This punk ass motherfucker really does make it easy to pulverize his purpose, yet I can’t help taking the bait. Maybe it’s that PMS he was talking about? Maybe I’m one of those bitches who think she knows everything? 

PIWTPITT: PMS? What's that? I'm always irritated, no matter what time of month. And what the fuck is that about women's haircuts that has this guy's panties in a bunch? I fucking hate guys who think they get to dictate my hairstyle. Unless he wants to come to my house and blow me every day (MY HAIR, perverts) then he doesn't get a say about my hairstyle. What does he know? He's never had to shampoo, condition, add leave in conditioner, apply hot oil treatments, volumizer, straightener, curl-enhancer, fly away preventer, and a shit ton of hair spray, only to repeat this regimen the next day. Fuck him.

He makes me want to make a list. 10 Things I Find Unattractive About Mouthbreathers Who Write Lists: 1. They can never spell. It's not a “horde,” it's a whore, you numbskull (see how numb has a "b" in there, that was probably too advanced for him) 2. You're an idiot. 3. Lists are hard and stupid. I'm done with this one.

MWDAS: Yeah, but I think having him in your house would be dangerous. Having this much stupid leaking out of his gob makes me fear that he's carrying a form of the plague, like, brain eating virus. 

PIWTPITT: I'm not letting that asshole in my house! He and his stupidity are not welcome. Besides, he'd hate being in my house. He hates negative women, remember? He hasn't met negative women until he's met us, Nikki. Know it all, negative women who are LOUD. Now that I think about it, we're like his secret dream threesome. 

MWDAS: Threesome? I bet the only sexual satisfaction he wants or needs is masturbating with the x-box controller he obviously has stuck in his sticky fist all day.

I thought it was neat-o when he identified negativity as one of his top 10 unattractive things. BECAUSE HIS ARTICLE WASN'T NEGATIVE. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW LOUD WE CAN BE! We have over a half million Facebook followers. HOW’S THAT FOR LOUD MOTHERFUCKER? 

PIWTPITT: The more I look at his list, the more thankful I am that I have a man. Jeez, I'm easily half of the things that drive men crazy. Not only do I sport a random haircut, I also ask my husband to do the dishes, when clearly that is my job. I've been accused so many times of "hordeing" attention that it's embarrassing and I'm always being asked to tone it down. I'm so glad he educated me. 

MWDAS: A direct quote from his "article": "For some reason, women tend to be a little more annoying than men." 

PIWTPITT: Fuck him. He's a moron. “Women a little more annoying than men.” Ha!

MWDAS: Right, because the constant ball scratching, farting, belching, and begging for blowjobs is endearing. 

PIWTPITT: Precisely. 

MWDAS: When I'm annoyingly doing the dishes, while at the same time, being a know it all while helping my kid with homework, and of course doing so loudly because the dogs are barking, the dryer is drying, and the dishwasher is washing, and the sound of the television on full blast because my husband is watching a football game, I should really consider at least wearing a wig, because with all the other annoying crap I'm up to, the least I can do is to make sure my hair isn't "random." 

PIWTPITT: YES! It's the least you could do. Also, stop being so drunk all the time. It's annoying. Actually, that part is true, BUT what is he talking about when says “drunk girls are annoying”? As if drunken men aren't annoying? Shitfaced guys are always way cooler than tipsy girls? 

MWDAS: Drunken girls put out. This dude is bat shit. The only way he's getting any after writing this pile of crap would be to find a drunk, because not even a lonely sober chick who hasn't been laid in a decade would put out for a pudwhacker like this guy. You know what, Jen? I like when people read my stuff. I really do. It makes me happy, but damn if I'd ever throw down like this against the Y-chromosome set just to get page views. 

PIWTPITT: I might stoop to that level ... no, I'm lying. Shit! Another no-go on his list. Maybe I am annoying??

MWDAS: I'll bet he still wets the bed. I'll bet he's secretly addicted to Pinterest. Speaking of which, I've pinned so much cool shit this week. For real. 

PIWTPITT: I'll need a shameless self promo link, please. 

MWDAS: NIKKI'S SHIT SHE'LL NEVER DO PINTEREST BOARD. Look at all this shit I'll never fucking do! You know what else I’ll never fucking do? 

PIWTPITT: What? 

MWDAS: The guy who wrote that article.

And with that, Nikki dropped her mic and sauntered out of the room.

Read more of Nikki at Moms Who Drink and Swear. Follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

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