This morning he finally realized he was in a mood and he said, "What do you think I should do about my anger?"
"Start a blog," I replied. Duh. "You should call it Angry Asian Man."
"Fuck. That one's taken," he said angrily.
"Really?" Sure enough. Some POS blog out there is called Angry Asian Man. That guy isn't even angry, he's boring. "Well, yours should be called Angriest Asian Man, because you're being a dick."
"I want to call it What the Fuck are You Looking At or What the Fuck are You Doing Here?" he said.
"Ohh, those are good ones! You should do those."
"No. Fuck it. I can't write. I actually have to work. Someone around here has to work. I don't have time to write a blog."
"Well, I think you should, because you're an asshole to live with right now," I said.
He replied with a pout and an actual "Hurumph."
Oh my God!! As I'm writing this, the Hubs just accused me of throwing away a toilet paper roll with "plenty of usable toilet paper on it." Fuck you, Hubs. We live with two small children. Do you think they would never do that? Also, I'm curious as to know how much toilet paper is considered "usable." My guess is there was half a square glued to the cardboard and the Hubs thought I could wipe my ass with it. Fucking cheap bastard.
See, Hubs? I feel so much better now. You should totally start a blog - we all know you're too cheap for therapy.
If you want to read a post by the Hubs.
OH MY DEAR GOD>>> I have tears streaming down my face.. Priceless!
ReplyDeleteH.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S!
ReplyDeleteDitto
DeleteHahahaaaa he totally needs to start a blog. Angry Asian Who Wants To Punch People In The Throat.
ReplyDeletethis line right here, is the one I hear too often. " I actually have to work. Someone around here has to work." yep is always makes me laugh. he may be a genius that can run computer set ups, labs, new tech and sell it to people. but apparently I'm the only one smart enough to schedule the kids activities, know what's going on in school and the most important of all I'm the only one who actually knows how to put fresh paper on the roll. I'm a goddess ;)
ReplyDeleteGod bless you - I feel this way EVERY damn day!
DeleteOMG - preach it sista!
DeleteThank you, Thank you, Thank you for validating me. I say the same thing about my husband, you are brillant enough to put together complex network computer systems but when it comes to make a box of rice of roni or pilaf his IQ drops like 100 points. And don't get me started on finding shit!! He recently lost HIS cell phone and somehow it's my fault. After a week of literally looking at the ceiling and screaming, "I can't find it" the dumbass finds it on top of the freezer in the basement.
DeleteAmen! And apparently, I'm the only one that knows how to read the calendar to know what's scheduled each day! FUCK!!
DeleteHe doesn't spare a square does he?
ReplyDeleteJanie
I <3 Seinfeld - good one!!!
DeleteYes I hate it when my hubs is having his MANstruation. It's so much worse than mine. I usually tell him to get a manpon and take two Manprin and STFU.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your hubs blog.. How about Raf Out Roud or Some Ting Wong? Sorry if that's racist. You started it..
Love it! I hope I can remember those when it's my hubs time of the month!
DeleteRachriot you are hilarious I'm using your terminology next time he has his grump on
DeleteSome Ting Wong - so damn funny!!!
DeleteFeel free! These men need to get a grip! :)
DeleteAhahaaaaa! Raf out road! That is hi-la-rious!
DeleteAhhhhh, do they ALL go through this? When mine is in a mood it takes days before he realizes it. We have 2 little kids and he is constantly accusing me of not flushing the toilet! He can't even imagine that it could possibly be the 5 year old.
ReplyDelete(I was scared of the flush when I was that little. Totally wouldn't do it...or would, and then RUN.)
DeleteBuahaha! My 4yrd won't *stop* flushing! She flushes before, then after, then once more for good measure!
DeleteLmao!!! My two year old flushes before he even hears his little turd hit the water!! And flushes about five times total...one after every turd LMAO. I am accused of driving the water bill up!!!! Ha! CHEAP A$$
DeleteI don't know why I'm laughing so hard...anger usually isn't funny, but this just is.
ReplyDeleteAwesome. I would totally read his rantings.
...or you could start a segment in your blog...
I tell my husband, "You're not the boss of me." To which he now replies, "I pay your salary!"
ReplyDeleteYou say everything I want to..my hubs is more moody than I am as well..get him back..if you time it just right he will be left with just one square to wipe with...make sure there is no extra tp within reach. Did this several times with my cranky ass cheap hubby and it cured him. Now we compete and laugh when we can "one square " each other. He can be a crankky pants but he has a wicked sense of humro..thank god or we wouldnt be married.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when Hubs has his period. He can be such an ass.
ReplyDeleteAnd, what is withe the whole "I actually have to work. Someone around here has to work." Um, hello!! I work full time, look after the kid, and do all the cooking and housework, while you come home, stretch out in the lazyboy, and fall asleep.
Someone, please, punch my hubs in the throat. He needs a wake up call.
THANK YOU! I was just throwing myself a pity party tonight on this very subject.
DeleteThrow him a bang. That should help.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking that too....he's horny
DeleteOMG - it must be a man thing because mine has been pissy for about a week now and he has been driving me nuts! 14 years and he still does this. Only difference is he is not Asian. And if he started a blog - Good God, it would be the polar difference of Rush! He would be someone YOU wanted to punch in the throat!
ReplyDeleteAll Asian men are tight and if they are Asian engineers they even squeek. Or is that a misnomer? Am I typecasting? Sorry. I should honestly write a blog about my husband too. This gives me ideas. "Life with an over-sensitive, high tempered, no sense of humor bastard with no social skills" is what I'll call it.
ReplyDeleteCan't call it that...my hubs has dibs.
DeleteMy husband decided that tissues are for guests. So whenever he has a sniffle he takes the toilet paper roll and walks off with it, leaving it in the living room or on his night stand. Love reaching for the paper and finding the roll gone. This is why guests at my house get to enjoy the most expensive Puffs Plus with Lotion for their noses...cuz it's also for my ass.
ReplyDeleteYa, the problem in my house is that my hubs "cycle" seems to have synced up with mine. So now we're both super bitchy....this is a good combo for sure.
ReplyDeleteMine likes to say 'well I worked so many hours', and I'm like 'i don't work either?!' I admit I could cook and clean more and he does do his fair share of work around the house, but I do take care of our 2 children and I go to school full time, w/an above B avg gpa and in the honor society. I make sure most, if not all, of our bills are paid (online), make appts for him and the kids and still know what's up @ my daughter's school. If that's not work, I don't know what is.
ReplyDeleteSwear I thought my man was being the only pouty one this weekend. thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh my god.....I can't stop laughing.....
ReplyDeleteTime to own a punching bag so he can release that PMS. Or you could practice on it then show him your moves. Men definitely have a cycle, they just don't admit it. Crab Asses!
ReplyDeleteAngry Little Asian girl:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.angrylittlegirls.com/
I admire your ability to just lay it out there Jen! I can't stop giggling.
ReplyDeleteI say all of those things to my Britzican husband, behind his back without sound.
ReplyDeleteHmmm. My wife doesnt want to start a blog, but sure as shit wants to tell me ten times a day what I should write on mine. And there are about fifteen angry asian guy jokes I wanna make right now, but I have no idea how offensive it would come off. Also, I try to save the truly offensive material for my site.
ReplyDeleteArrogantSOB
arrogant-sob.com
Your wife and my husband should get together and collaborate, because he has a million ideas of what I should write. Grrr....
DeleteWhat can be worse is my husband will purposely do shit to piss me off, because he thinks it will be good blog material! He thinks it is so damn funny when I completely lose my shit and he insists others will too! I was going to start another blog titled "The Asshole I Live With" but I have a difficult enough time keeping up with the one I write now!
DeleteBTW- Love your stuff, Jen and ArrogantSOB, I look forward to reading your blog.
http://mommas-musings-by-momma.blogspot.com/
Oh. My kids "hrmph" and "humpfh" me all the time. Hubs just growls. And now, it's not sexy. Not scary either. Just irritating.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is it just me or does the little yellow* smiley face guy actually look asian up there? Of course, I read the title first so it may just be perception.
ReplyDeleteArrogantSOB
*LEGAL DISCLAIMER: The term "yellow" in the context above is meant ONLY as a direct and literal description of the actual image, and not, I repeat NOT meant to be read as a slur or slight to anyones heritage. That is all.
Why does it make me feel so good I'm not alone? I love that I'm not the only one who deals with this man shit too.
ReplyDeleteThat is amazing. Your life is so normal. I love it :)
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I had the same conversation with my husband last night when he started with the "What are you doing?? Blogging again??" No, I'm baking fudge idiot!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, when I was growing up, we used to have the one square joke - I'll inbox it if you want to use it :)
that's awesome
ReplyDeleteThis could so be my husband. Since he's a mutt, I think we'd have to name his blog Permanent Period, or P Squared. Midol for men, anyone?
ReplyDeleteThe toilet paper bit. You speak the truth. Haha.
ReplyDeleteLMAO! I love your hubby. At least he knows he's angry, and not Passive Agressive Man.
ReplyDeleteMy half-Korean husband is the same way! He has tried to scrape the moldy part off bread to feed to our kids; has a coronary if we have to through out ANY food because it is "bad"....(I am a total stickler for expiration dates)....He is even stingy with the wipes, I can't stand to watch him change our daughter's poopy diaper - PLEASE use more than two wipes for that disaster! His favorite phrase is that i am going to "nickle and dime him" into the poor house - Wah Wah--- I LOVE Target and buying stuff.....oh well, that is why I work too!
ReplyDeleteI have to wonder what the race or ethnicity of the man has to do with his rating of the dick-o-meter. Are Asian men or half-Asian men bigger dicks than my white one?
DeleteThis is great- and somehow I missed the one by your hubs- both had me ROFL!
ReplyDeleteIf I have to hear my husband complain ONE MORE TIME about how tired he is, I might castrate him. I am currently 8 months pregnant w/ our second, and I stay home w/ our 3 1/2 year old save for some part time work. Currently our 3 1/2 year old has a horrible case of croup and ear infection, and he stayed up one night w/ her. You would have thought I make him to all the housework, take care of her, go to work, and wait on me hand and foot. Not so much. He's an optometrist that works 9 hour days. I understand he's tired, but if he had to do everything I have to, he would probably up and die. Men say the stupidest shit.
ReplyDeleteI think (but never say out loud) all the time... "If he had to do everything I do he would just die, literally!"
DeleteI'm sitting in a hospital waiting room with mine right now and I want to jab a needle right in his eye!!
ReplyDeleteKidney stones will be the least of his worries...
Just putting it out there!
"Angry Asian Man" and its often referenced female version "Disgrasian" are awesome reads. A lot of the time they tackle racism and bias. So if your angry asian wants to tackle the thorny toilet paper issue, I suggest "Angry Asian Toilet Paper Police." It's twice as alliterative.
ReplyDeleteAsk a man if he is PMSing the answer is: "No I don't bleed". Oh yea bastard your penis and asshole will both be bleeding if you keep your shit ass attitude up!
ReplyDeleteI heard a new one the other day and thought it was hilarious....He isn't "cheap" he is a "cost-sensitive American." I got nothing for him being an ass..an asshole is an asshole no matter how you slice it.
ReplyDeleteMy mom always called it the T-factor when our men acted this way. And what is it with that glued on piece of TP? Apparently everyone in my life thinks its usable because they leave it for me on the roll too.
ReplyDeleteThis could be your funniest blog yet - while I always LOL, I have tears streaming down my face. Thank you for reminding me why I should remain single. No cranky pants in my house!
ReplyDeleteI am relieved to know my husband is not the only one who gets raging PMS. I love how he thinks he's the only one who works around the house. Pardon me for working more hours than you and more than DOUBLING your salary, dear. I love telling him to sukadik.
ReplyDeleteI would read a "what the fuck are you looking at" blog. That's hilarious!
ReplyDelete...and suddenly, Angry Asian Man is getting 3x more blog visits than usual. :D
ReplyDeleteAll I had to type into Google was "angry a" and it finished it for me. I'd say he's gotten a look or two.
DeleteYep, awesomely hilarious! Maybe he expects you to actually USE the cardboard roll to wipe with...however, I would equate wiping your ass with that glue ridden toilet paper specked roll to that of a corn cob!
ReplyDeleteSo this is random but do you know that old song by Johnny Rivers called "Secret Agent Man"? For years I thought it was "Secret Asian Man" and would sing it loud! Hahaaa. When I read this post that's the first thing I thought of and now I can't get it out of my head.
ReplyDelete-Keri
This seriously must be in the air, can you say that to my husband too so I don't have to hire a knee breaker to take him out!
ReplyDeleteAnnnnd...the decision to be single for life is validated. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for a great post! Blogging does help to get rid of your anger. And when hubby's in 'a mood' you really need to blog!
ReplyDeleteJen, this is hysterical!!
ReplyDeleteMine is on his right now too. He moped around all evening Monday so yesterday when he got home I told him he could do yard work all evening (he likes doing it and it helps him deal), so he promptly went and got on his yard clothes and stayed out there till 7. I didn't even cook so he had to nuke some pot pies when he came in. Neat yard and quiet evening - win-win!
Devan
I tell my wife the same thing, everybody annoys her, so I tell her to blog about it. Now anytime she complains about anything, I just look at her and say "blog about it." If she ever does, her first post will about her husband annoying the crap out of her by saying blog about it all the time.
ReplyDeleteI can't stop laughing! What is it with them and the toilet paper? I guess if I could "shake dry" or whatever they do, I wouldn't be concerned with the size of TP sheet that's left on the roll either.
ReplyDeleteall men should be on prozac!!
ReplyDeleteThis was some funny shit, and i really needed the laugh!!! Thanks!!! I can't wait to follow to link to see what HE wrote too!!! I gotta get to sleep but you've got me hooked now.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the courage to rage on my Hubs via my blog. Men can really suck ass sometimes (a lot of the time)
ReplyDelete