1. Ultra Skinny Bitches Who Complain They CAN'T GainWeight. I am so sick of reading articles about models and actresses who are the size of a pin complaining about how they TRY to gain weight, but they just can't. Wah. It's especially annoying when you have Skeletors like this chick, the new TopShop model:
I could wrap my entire hand around that waist! It must be a British thing, because Kate is looking waifish these days too. I think her hair weighs as much as the rest of her body!
2. Lindsey Lohan. I know. She makes the list every time, but the girl just won't shut up. Now she's pissed because she wasn't cast in Black Swan. Natalie Portman won an Oscar for that movie. Lindsey doesn't even watch Oscar winning movies - too much plot for her to follow. Dumb whore. She is looking like a meth head now and she needs to just go away.
3. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. Also reruns. They dressed alike for the ESPYs. How Prom Date of them. They're so cute! I want to vomit.
4. Katie Holmes. Apparently she takes fashion advice from 5 year old Suri. She's quoted as saying, "If she likes something of mine, I know it's good." Come on, Katie, stop trying to put the focus ANYWHERE else, but where it should be. After all, this is a child who wears heels to the beach and likes to wear ballet costumes everywhere she goes. I hardly doubt you're getting fashion advice from her. Let it go. It's time to tell the world that Tom paid you millions to have a child with him so that he could stay closeted just a little longer and try for a few more blockbusters before he hits 50. You can give up the crazy Scientology crap and take Suri and run far away from Mr. Looney Tunes.
5. Anyone Who Is Sending Casey Anthony Money. I just read she's received over $200 in the mail from "supporters." I realize that's not much money, but even a nickel is too much for her. Stop sending this baby killer money, you psychos!
6. Kat Von D. What a weirdo. I still can't believe Jesse left Sandra for this piece of trash.
7. Kate Hudson. Not to be outdone by the rest of the Hollywood Ultra Competitive Namers she's come up with a doozy for her bouncing baby boy: Bingham or "Bing" as they'll call him. Wacko.
8. ALL the assholes in Washington arguing over the debt ceiling. Raise the debt ceiling. And while you're at it, raise the taxes on the top 2% earners in the nation and a lot of this trouble would be solved. They WANT to be taxed. Get this fixed. Stop dicking around and do your jobs. Quit worrying about how it will go for you at the polls and do what we elected you to do. If I fucked around this much at my job I would no longer have a job.
I'm glad to know your official position on Casey Anthony. Now I love you all the more.
ReplyDeleteThat's a short list for you!
ReplyDeleteTotally unrelated mini-punch...OAMs who will only feed their 5 year old organic vegetarian meals but let them watch Breaking Dawn!! WTH people! My kid might eat processed foods but she's not watching the vampire honeymoon scene and then talking about it at preschool!!
ReplyDeleteIt's only letting me post as anonymous....Elizabeth :)
Made me laugh, almost pee my pants.
DeleteYou Rock! You said it! Love it!
ReplyDeleteLet's go ahead and throw Rush Limbaugh on there, too, please! UGHHHHHH.
ReplyDelete-Keri
OMG, I so agree with this. Especially after his rant about the girl who supports the birth control legislation (having it covered by insurance).
DeleteYES!!! Ugh. Poor excuse for a human.
Delete-Elisa
Not 'mini-punch' material. He is full out, roll of dimes, with rings, punch to the nads. ;D
DeleteI agree with all of them!!! Especially #1, no wonder our teenage girls have self image problems. Who the hell wants to be that thin? Looks like they are sickly. Good post, love it as usual
ReplyDeleteIs that picture a real person?? It looks like a mannequin head on a hanger with a dress on it. Bless her heart... she don't even have the energy to smile.
ReplyDeleteI just listened to the audiobook 'Imperfect Justice' by the Anthony prosecutor. If I thought she was psycho before, I don't even know what to call her after learning all the crap about that case. I had to stop listening to it. It made me physically ill.
ReplyDelete@Keri- I just sent Jen a email with a link to an article about Rush and his latest antics! Disgusting! He NEEDS an official punch to the throat, and an added punch to the groin! Just when I think he can't say anything more ignorant-BAM, he accepts that challenge!
ReplyDeleteHe is a real ass clown!!!! He does deserve a full blown PUNCH!
Deleteoh my gosh..I'm new to your blog. FUNNY STUFF!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhy oh why isn't Kate Gosselin on the list?
:) Maybe because she isn't a "mini punch"
Kelly
There are people like #1, and it sucks for them. I have a friend who was like this her whole life, people constantly accusing her of being anorexic, on drugs, abused, etc. She recently found out she has celiac's and is now a normal, healthy weight.
ReplyDeleteI was one of those skinny minnies until after my fifth baby. Now I can't seem to get that weight off, but I guess I look healthy now instead of sick.
DeleteStill one of them! 5'6" and 100 lbs give or take a few since 18 :-(. It DOES suck, but I try not to complain because I imagine it will eventually catch up to me, I've tried every gain weight diet, been tested for all kinds of things, had 2 babies and still too skinny, clothes don't fit and it blows, people accuse me of doing meth and having an eating disorder. Being told to eat a burger can be as hurtful as being told to put one down. *punch taken*
DeletePlease give about 20 punches to the F*ck St!cks who didn't take their hats off for the National Anthem at a local sporting event...
ReplyDeleteI feel bad now since you want to mini punch me. I'm (or used to be) one of those skinny minny gals who tried to gain weight but couldn't. I used to be a size 2 and I would drink Ensure Plus all the time just to put on some weight. I was Heroin Skinny for a few there. Pretty sad. And, yes, I complained about it. Once I hit 40, well, I don't have to worry about that anymore. Guess Weight Karma caught up to me.
ReplyDeleteLOVE it!
ReplyDeleteEspecially love #1...my skinny neighbor and I are both pregnant and due around roughly the same time. She was complaining to me the other day about how she has to eat breakfast at home and at McDonald's in order to gain weight. I so much as drive past McDonald's and I gain 5 lbs. PUNCH!!!
Lindsey Lohan - spot on! You forgot about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. That couple is just begging for their own post/blog entry from you! ;)
ReplyDeleteSpot on! Are you inside my head?!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on every start you named. They are so far removed from reality they shouldn't even be allowed to speak anymore.
ReplyDeleteI am returning your punch about #1. Some of us really can't gain weight, and when you say we look sickly, we feel it too. I feel sick if I eat too much or if I don't eat often enough. I can barely drink alcohol or I'm a mess. And yes you complained about your giant boobs in the recent breast feeding post...well try not having ANY. Definitely feel like a little girl still and I'm 24 (maybe when I have kids...)! I know there is a constant attack on overly skinny girls and I know there are those who are skinny because of the wrong reasons, not metabolism, and I definitely don't support that. But I get skinny comments constantly from my size 6-8 girlfriends and honestly I envy their shape! The grass is always greener...Anyway, had to defend the skinny bitch side of the story :)
ReplyDeleteBig fan of yours! :-) But, re #8: How about Washington stops spending/borrowing money we can't repay? I want to punch everyone in the throat who is in major debt. Its not that hard to live on a budget.
ReplyDeleteGreat punches!! Def agree with another poster About Angelina and brad. You prob should dedicate a whole blog and punches to Angelina and her stupid leg. I am a number one:( it does suck but things could be worse I once complained to an old navy idiot that they needed to put more smaller sizes out and he told me " you should prob eat more" I told him to " you should prob suck it"
ReplyDeleteWe need to stop sending money in foreign aid when we can't even pay our own bills.
ReplyDeleteMy own minipunch is people who have to post anti-fat pictures (or antiskinny too) on Facebook. No one's ever happy the way they are. No, they have to be all self-righteous about how awful it is to be fat, how unhealthy, blah blah. I'm fat and I rarely get sick, whereas my regular size husband gets sick all the time.
Have you seen Lindsay Lohan's face recently? Looks like she saved you the trouble and punched HERSELF in the face several times, with botox. How do you spell H-O-T M-E-S-S?
DeleteI've been so sick this last week, coughing and such. Well now I have to find the albuterol and must medicate because the laughter I've commenced in!
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work. Holy hell. Coffee through my nose isn't the most ladylike thing. You owe me a keyboard.
ReplyDelete-G
Jen, I loved your first mini-punch - give it up skinny girls! Add to that category beautiful women who complain no one asks them out. I read this headline on MSN today that no one asks out Mila Kunis. Jeez, it's probably because she's so busy trying to gain weight!
ReplyDelete