Imagine my surprise the other day when I opened my newest offer from Groupon and discovered I could buy eyelash extensions for a mere $75 (a $200 value, of course). I assume that is for TWO eyes, but I didn't read the small print (I have naturally lush eyelashes and sometimes they hinder me when there is small print).
I hate, hate, hate these ridiculous products that are designed to make women feel even worse about themselves than they already do! As if we don't care enough about our asses being too big, our boobs being too small, our hair being too straight/curly/frizzy/limp/dull/gray/whatever or our yellow teeth, now we need to worry about fucking eyelashes???
Are your eyelashes puny? Is that why your husband cheats on you/you eat too much/you didn't get the big promotion at work/blah, blah, blah? Well, buy eyelash extensions and you'll feel soooo much better about yourself and all your dreams will come true!
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| Don't be a loser with puny lashes. |
Complete asshole charlatans. Is your neck flabby? Buy this. Small butt? Buy this. Big butt? Buy this. Want bigger eyes (even if you're Asian)? Buy these. Got wrinkles? Try this or this. There are so many companies out there who are taking your money and telling you it will all be alright. Just drink this snake oil. Ugh!!! It's sooo damn annoying!
Why don't men do any of this shit? Every now and again you see a guy with hair plugs and a really bad face lift, but that's it. When you go to the pool you see saggy man boobs, wrinkled knees, ear and nose hair that you could braid, nasty teeth and faded, stretched out tattoos that were (sort of) cool in the 80s. And yet, they walk around like they OWN the joint and they've got to beat the ladiez off with a stick. What gives? Where do they get this amazing sense of self worth? Maybe all we need is a shot of testosterone and we won't give a shit either.
Now that I think about it closer, I think my beef is really with Groupon (and the entire Bravo line up). Between discounted offers for spider vein treatments, eyelash extensions, Vagazzling and Pole Worx I think Groupon needs to fuck off completely. All I can think is their target demographics are hookers and Real Housewives of Any City.
What is wrong with us that we think our self worth hangs on an eyelash or bedazzled vagina? How sad is it that reputable businesses like bookstores are going bankrupt, millions of homes are in foreclosure, children are hungry but we're still willing to spend hard earned money on stupid shit like eyelash extensions?
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I really got a kick out of this. I have always wondered where men get there sometimes wildly unfounded sense of self-esteem? Meanwhile I am panicking over gaining a dress size and a man that looks like wrinkly leather struts his old saggy ass down the beach in a speed-o. All I can ask is why?
ReplyDelete"bedazzled vagina" -- hysterical
ReplyDeleteI seriously saw a commercial recently that started something like "Are your lips showing signs of premature aging?" LIPS? AGING? As if there is not enough new ways we can now be ugly! (Remember when it was enough to brush, floss, use mouthwash, have painful extensive childhood orthodontics, and see a dentist twice a year?? Now we are expected to bleach our teeth until they are blindingly white and porous on top of it!) All of this makes me want to shave my head and run unshaven and bra-less down a crowded beach of Jersey Shore douchebags!
ReplyDeleteLove it! Lol.
Delete(By the way if you do the beach run you proposed, let me know! ;-)
THANK YOU! I saw the ad on TV for eyelash prescription medicine...to help increase or thicken your eyelashes and my first thought was "PEOPLE HAVE CANCER. THEY HAVE A FATAL DISEASE...and SOMEONE contributed money to research into making eyelashes thicker." WOW. Sometimes, living in the US, all I can do is shake my head...and try not to punch someone in the throat.
ReplyDeleteThat medicine for eyelashes started out as glaucoma medicine, and patients reported their eyelashes growing thick - so the company capitalized on it.
Deleteplus cancer survivors or people with any hair loss issue may appreciate that. Majority of the time people do not notice my missing eyelashes but when they do I certainly wish I could afford that crap
DeleteI was absolutely floored by that eyelash medication, too, as it was marketed purely for cosmetic reasons. It's bad enough that people would seek it out when they don't need it (I could understand people wanting it if they had no eyelashes at all), but the side effects? "Oh, sure, I could go blind, but I'll have long, lush eyelashes!"
DeleteThe nail salon I go to used to have a hand made sign offering eyelash extensions and eyelash perms (REALLY??!!!) for $20 each. I used to think who on Earth would dare try such a thing. Until one day I was getting my regular mani/pedi I watched as two overbearing friends convinced their obviously naive friend she just HAD to try the eyelash extensions. I proceeded to watch in horror as this poor girl went through with. She ended up with bloodshot, watering eyes and abnormally extra long eyelashes. It was horrifying.
ReplyDeleteEye lash perms? Huh...and images of my 90s perm come to me... That just can't be good...
DeleteVajazzling? Seriously? I actually had to click because I'd never heard of such a thing...
ReplyDeleteI'm with Trina....Jen, you have opened my eyes to so many things I had no clue about....Vajazzling? Really? It's like Avon for your cooch!!
ReplyDeleteYou need to look into anger management lady and calm down or relax, have a glass of wine. If you are worried that much about eyelash extensions you have a ton of time on your hands. Who cares??
ReplyDeleteRe-read the article...it wasn't about eyelash extensions, per se...but the reasons why we feel we need to do all of this 'false' embelishment to make ourselves feel worthy. K?
Delete@ Sandy: Yep.
DeleteI can't tell you how frustrating it can be for me sometimes with my wife (I'm male...just making things clear seeing as how this is the interwebs and all). How even though I tell her I think she is beautiful or that I really do like a certain feature she seems to be ashamed of for whatever reason, it just won't sink in. So, as a husband let me say this...to any woman who has a loving husband, when we tell you that you are beautiful...we mean it.
ReplyDelete^^^ OMG, so sweet. Also know that insecurity can be very deeply rooted in many women. When you don't love yourself, your body, your whatever, you honestly can't understand how anyone else could love you, your body, your whatever... Not to say you should stop telling your wife she's beautiful; even if she disagrees with you, it still means something to her. :)
DeleteThank you, Ray! You sound like a keeper!!
ReplyDeleteI live in SE Oklahoma and see this kind of stupidity often(not particularly eyelash extensions but ridiculous expenditures in general) and it frustrates me. There was a woman at a daycare the other day dropping her child off. She was wearing expensive jewelry and clothes($100+ jeans, etc. Coach purse) and steps up and pays for her daycare using government assistance(DHS pay). Then walks out and climbed in her relatively new Lexus SUV. I was fuming. I see people all the time using their food stamps card to buy red bull and the like at the gas station. Food stamps are to feed your family! Red bull does not feed your family! We held a toy drive 2 weeks ago providing toys for over 700 kids and I was working the wrapping station and a girl I know walks up getting her free gifts for her son because she said she couldnt afford to buy him anything for Christmas this year but I she was buying expensive makeup and skincare products for herself a couple of weeks ago and I see all the time how she posts on facebook that she got something new every couple of days. But you couldnt buy your child a Christmas present?! All my tax dollars go to giving handouts to many people who are just selfish and irresponsible and cant manage their money or are just flat lazy and yet somehow we still have hungry children in this country and eyelash extensions! No wonder out economy is so fucked up! (and for the record, I am not against my tax dollars helping those who legitimately need it, who are doing their best, trying to work, and just cant quite make ends meet. I am referring only to those who abuse the system. Not looking to offend those who deserve and receive help.)
ReplyDeleteOMG! You are awesome! Great article.
ReplyDeleteSara Jones, this blog isn't called People I Want To Hug and Buy Puppies For. It's ABOUT ranting. It's ABOUT being pissed.
ReplyDelete^^^ yep.
DeleteI personally blame the vagina channel And Cosmo. My recently widowed bf, who is a whopping 42, has decided to seek dating advice from both aforementioned sources. I shall be bitch slapping her soon! I'm thinking of using a groupon to buy a big ol' plastic penis so that I too can feel a certain irrational sense of bravado. Hell, I may just give it to the bf and tell her it's really her best option :)
ReplyDeleteSara Jones needs a punch in the throat!
ReplyDeleteokay, okay, fine. I won't get eyelash extensions despite my puny, pale short lashes. I wouldn't want to lose your respect. But what about anal bleaching? Clearly that's acceptable. :)
ReplyDeleteBecause of the topic of this blog, the ads down the side were for lash extensions and stem cell facelifts... Puh-leeze....
ReplyDeletelove the ads. kinda adds to the irony. You are ranting but promoting at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI laugh almost as loud when reading the comments. I happen to love your blog and wish you were my neighbor! We could laugh and bitch all day long! Keep up the great writing...I just wish the people who think it's bad would shut up! I happen to appreciate the thoughts you have and love reading them! :)
ReplyDeleteSo I clicked on vejazzling in your story and it took me to their website. It lists "celebrities" such as Snooki, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and everyone's favorite Kim Kardashian getting in on this moronic trend. I'll consider myself a complete loser and ask a friend to shoot me before I'll do anything those idiots do. Love your blog, BTW.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I had never heard of any vagina jewels either, I dont think I will be purchasing any, either.
ReplyDelete@ Sara Jones: if u don't want to read it, why did u "like" on FB?
ReplyDeleteI have heard of the Bedazzled Nether-regions before, on an episode of reality tv (yeah, I know) about Big Girls (yeah, I KNOW) and one of the girls went in to get a wax and they bedazzled her hoo-ha. Now, the thing which I found sad, was that I thought it might be fun (for about 3 seconds) until I realized my dear husband would never see it, because my stomach poofs downwards over the whole thing. I've recently lost 60 pounds and it's even MORE downwardly-poofing than it ever was. I may as well bedazzle my navel, it'll probably be down that direction sometime soon, anyway.
ReplyDeletePS - love the blog. Keep writing, and if you need more donuts, call me.
I prefer to take the eyelash growth pills that they now offer, fresh out of Phizer... I damn near fell off my chair when I saw the commercial.... take these pills and in 3 months you will see more lush, beautiful eyelashes, no, Im not kidding.... WTF... only side effects are such things as anal leakage, vaginal dryness and death (not sure, but I wouldnt be surprised if that was in the disclaimer)... and all those vain American retards cant get out their doors fast enough to buy them... extensions are just the beginning of stupid.
ReplyDeleteYou do know that some of the people that benefits from this is actually cancer survivors that have lost their hair? Just saying, before you cast stones, make sure you cast them in the correct direction....True, some people may do this just because, but some women need it...Not morons...
ReplyDelete^^^ Re-read the article. She makes a specific disclaimer for those people. Geez.
DeleteTotally true! I know a woman in her very, very late forties who now has hair extensions and eyelash extensions. She looks ridiculous. Her eyelashes look like long, scary spider legs glued to her eyelids. The truly said thing is that she is pretty without all that, but she is so insecure she can't see this.
ReplyDeleteOMG, I can have a v'gazzle! Who knew? Gotta go............
ReplyDeleteLMAO @ "It's like Avon for your cooch!!"
ReplyDeleteThe comments on this thread are priceless!
I used to work with a lady who had her makeup tattooed on her face. WTF!? There are so many things wrong with that I can't even begin.
My mother-in-law has eye-liner tattooed on. True story.
DeleteOK....crude thought, Vagazzling = choking hazard?
ReplyDeleteSeen this? It's pretty spot on!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-a1pYyt8NTU&feature=fvst
"What is wrong with us that we think our self worth hangs on an eyelash or bedazzled vagina?" By far the best thing I have ever read. Thank you!
ReplyDeletei totally agree.
ReplyDeleteto watch tv commercials, you would think all women smell bad (in all areas), have horrible skin, should be ashamed to have grey hair, are too fat, have too much body hair ... etc etc
I'd love to see a commercial for men, selling them a product for their smelly shweddy balls ... they'd never fall for it.
Lori
If you don't like the products, taking out on other women for their choices on what to do with their bodies is only making it worse. A million times worse. The products are not the only thing making a hostile environment for women, you are too.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to hate the products or question the marketing strategy. Trying to tell people how to treat their bodies is the exact same thing you claim to hate though. You're only buying into it.
I haven't seen these commercials in a while, but Claire Danes was pimping some eyelash extender treatment, and I was like, really? Did Claire Danes lose a job because some casting director said, "She's a good actress and all, but her eyelashes...what a nightmare." It was right around then when I fully and irreversibly understood the pernicious self-loathing that fuels the beauty industry.
ReplyDeleteSaw something yesterday saying the latest trend in male fixer upers is called scrotum dewrinkling. Seriously? Pretty sure this trend is only popular with old porn stars! Yuck!
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious, I totally agree with how our culture has become completely obsessed with youth and beauty. Have you read the Hunger Games books (or at least seen the movie)? whenever I read about things like this it makes me think of the Capital and how it was portrayed as a extreme version of the modern culture's obsession with beauty and youth while at the same time wasting resources in contrast with other parts of the world who were literally starving to death.
ReplyDelete@ HomeGrownFace - Jen (and many commenters, myself included) are stating that people should NOT be doing all of this to their bodies... because it is hurting all of us as a whole. Yes, we have freedom to do what we want, if you want to spend hundreds of dollars to make yourself look young and beautiful, do it, but please ask yourself why. I don't feel hostile, I feel concerned... where will it end? How far will we go? When will we start to just accept that we are not abnormally perfect and move on to more rational and valuable things? Things with eternal value?? {steps down off of soap box}
I agree with you wholeheartedly, but did you know that the Blogher ads on your sidebar, at the exact same moment I was reading your post, were for an ad for lusher eyelashes???? Just thought you might not realize you are advertising the very thought process you claim to hate.
ReplyDeleteMy friend got eyelash extensions and looked like she had fucking spiders on her eyes. Then she got an infection from it! Ha! I called her Cyclops for a week. That's just the kind of friend I am. Also- fyi, George Clooney is now ironing his balls, so it's not just women. WTF? HEY! GEORGIE! LEAVE THOSE BALLS ALONE!
ReplyDeleteGood 🤔👍
DeleteAfter further inspection of the Vajazzling website I am completely dumbfounded and at a loss for words.
ReplyDelete...oh, and you're amazing.
I am often distracted during conversations with people because their eyelash extensions are overwhelming and over the top.
ReplyDeleteYep, laugh at them.
DeleteIt's a shame we can't be friends anymore! I so enjoy your posts but alas, I am one of "those" women who have paid for eyelash extensions. I'm not particularly vain (I prefer not to look like I just rolled out of bed but some days, I do just that and go on about my merry way) but I like to change my look... a lot! This time, I did it with lash extensions.
ReplyDeleteSee, I've been a chameleon since I can remember and it hasn't always made me the most popular person. When I was younger, I decided to be a cheerleader one year; another year I discovered how awesome The Cure, Depeche Mode, Siouxsie and the Banshees, etc. were and decided to dress like them; another year, on a whim, I cut my hair SUPER short (not Sinead O'Connor-short but it was damn short). Kids in school wanted to beat me up because I was different, an ex-boyfriend asked me why I wanted to hide how pretty I was (seriously?) and I even got kicked out of my house (that was after the hair incident).
As an adult, I've always been a little different but have toned it down for the workplace. About a year ago, I found old photos and realized that I missed changing my look and thought it was time to be a chameleon again. The Robert Smith look is a little old and not conducive to getting ahead at work, so I decided to be a little less drastic with my changes. I started with chopping the hair off, much to the absolute horror of my friends and coworkers. After that, it was highlights. Recently, it was the eyelashes.
After the summer, I think I might chop all the hair off again, go super dark and wear glasses. Maybe go for a 60's, beatnik look. I don't know... maybe it will be something I don't even know about (reference to Old School there in case you didn't get that).
I know I am opening up myself to tons of criticism here and I get where you are coming from regarding the lashes. At the same time, I just want to throw it out there that not everyone who gets eyelash extensions is adding to the pressure to look good whatever the cost.
Sometimes, girls just wanna have fun.
PS - still want me to throw your number away?
We're living in an Idiocracy. We wipe chemicals on our eyes to grow hair, and clip dead hair into our own to impress people who aren't worth a damn. I do want to temper this critique by saying it's with the exception of people who do it for medical reasons and it's not about vanity.
ReplyDeleteI would like to throat punch throat punch media in the throat. It doesn't effect you so who gives a shit, do you oppose gay marriage or hate people for eating broccoli? Ignorant, at times hilarious, but look up the dunning kruger effect for me :).
ReplyDeleteBe pissed at someone driving poorly, that affect us all...or even bad grammar.
But to rant and demean anyone from something that makes them feel better and give them more confidence is just beyond me.
Feel free to respond, i found this on a whim and will never be here again but if it makes you feel better have at it :)!!!
Please add...because it makes them sound dumb....after bad grammar for me. You seem completely reasonable so I feel confidant nothing will come of this mistake.
ReplyDeleteMy mother lost her eyelashes due to chemotherapy. She found an amazing lash salon, and got extensions. Yes, they cost a fortune, but they make her very happy. They were so beautiful, I decided to get them too! I wear no makeup, very (VERY) casual clothes, and my hair takes under 5 minutes to do.I am very low maintenance. But...I LOVE my lashes. They make me happy too. Just like some people love their makeup, designer clothes/bags/shoes, hair color, mani/pedis, trips to the salon, spa, ect...I love my lashes. I won't apologize! ;)
ReplyDeleteTotally googled “eyelash extensions are dumb” and found this. Thanks for validating my frustration. Someone I know just got some and I felt instantly annoyed and couldn’t put my finger on why. Besides the fact that she looks like she has funky catty-wampus plugs in her eyelids, and she has beautiful naturally thick eyelashes! It’s SO distracting. I’m trying to talk to her and all I’m thinking is WEIRD. Don’t look. Don’t. Look. And I struggle to allow myself to purchase a pair of $20 shoes. Hahaha!
ReplyDeleteLaugh at her clown face.
DeleteHere is a hint women. QUIT BEING SO VAIN AND GULLIBLE. GO GET A LIFE. YOUR FAKE EYELASHES ARE NOTHING SHORT OF ASSININE LOOKING.
ReplyDelete