So...Nutscaping is Happening Now


If you follow my personal page on Facebook, then you know that, apparently, I am "The Genitals Whisperer." I'm not sure how it started. Probably because I wrote about vaginas and then again about vaginas and then once more about vaginas. Just because I have a slight fascination with unusual undercarriage undertakings, suddenly I'm the go-to lady whenever you see something bizarre or disgusting about privates. Like this week, SEVERAL PEOPLE (not just one person who saw this and thought, "You know who would love this? Jen!") sent me a link to edible anuses. Yeah, you lay down, throw your legs over your head, and let a professional asshole molder do what they do best. Then that mold is used to shape chocolates into your own signature asshole shape that you can give to either a loved one or your worst enemy, depending upon the kind of person you are. Several questions arose like, What if I have hemorrhoids? What if I like nuts in my chocolate? Where does one apply for the asshole molding job? Why would someone ruin chocolate like that? I DON'T KNOW. WHY WOULD YOU THINK I KNOW ABOUT THIS STUFF???

My Kid VS. The School Nurse

I have a tummy ache ... oh wait, it's time for recess?  Never mind.
OK, seriously.  Is anyone else on a first name basis with the nurse at their child's school?  On Thursday I received the second call this week from the nurse.

My child - I'll give you 10 guesses WHICH child I'm talking about - is in the nurse's office just about every day it seems.

Yes, of course it's Adolpha.  The nurse has called home, because she's had a tummy ache, she bumped her head on the playground, she needed a band aid after gym class, and the list goes on and on.

My Husband Loves Me TOO MUCH!


Anyone else have a husband who drives her crazy? I don't know what the deal is today, but the Hubs is getting my very last fucking nerve. (Actually, I know the problem, this time I'm the one with PMS instead of him.)

The Hubs and I spend waaaay too much time together. (Which is just the way he likes it.) We live together (duh) and we work together at home. There is no office for me to escape to. There is no office for me to pack him off to. There is no one to go have lunch with or shoot the breeze with at the water cooler. There is just the Hubs. If I turn a corner in my house, there he is. If I go upstairs, he goes upstairs. If I go downstairs, he goes downstairs. He just looooovvves to be together. Truly. He can't even run an errand alone. He likes to have me along, because he "misses me too much." Ugh!

I know it probably sounds lovely and romantic and all that, but really it can be so annoying. There is a fine line between loving someone and holding them hostage. I think I have Stockholm Syndrome, because I'm being kept prisoner, but I love my prison guard.

Adolpha on the Lunch Line


School has started and we are all back in our routine. Adolpha started Kindergarten so I finally have both kids at the same school.  Ahhh!!!

It's so interesting to see the differences between my kids now that they're both in school.  Gomer is cautious and a rule follower.  He makes the smallest waves possible and keeps his head down.  Adolpha has never flown under the radar.  She prefers to make a splash every where she goes.  Adolpha is settling into Kindergarten like she owns the joint and today she proved that to me.

Overalls Are Back and I've Missed Them Soooo Much


Do you read RachRiot? Well, you should, because she's crazy funny.

The other day she sent me a link to an article about Emma Thompson's fashion sense. Emma was rocking a hot pair of overalls, a jaunty scarf, and a blazer (because a blazer makes overalls classy and less hobo).

YES! That's right, overalls are making a comeback, bitches! If you read my book, then you'll know that I once looooved to strut my style in overalls. Especially on my first date with my husband where I thought I was going to be murdered and then he thought he was going to be murdered, but instead we got married.

When Rach sent me the article, she was like, "Check it out! Trendsetter! Overalls are so now!"

I was like, "What? Overalls AND a scarf? Mind. Blown. My two favorite body cover-uppers." Everyone scoffs at my style, but let me tell you something, people, this article proves that I am so trendy I'm AHEAD of the curve. You will all be shocked when Hollywood A-Listers start showing up on the red carpet wearing Crocs and I will be like, "Told you so!" It's just a matter of time. Have you seen those jacked up toes on the starlets? They mash those poor piggies into portable torture chambers and cry on the inside all night long. My fuzzy Crocs have never made me cry. 

The ONE Thing the Hubs Does Better Than I


I've told you before that the Hubs is a cheap-o, right? I think I've mentioned it once or twice or eighty times. Anyway, he's cheap. In so many ways. For instance, I work mainly by sunlight (light bulbs are expensive!), I only eat out when he has a buy one-get-one coupon, and we wear layers all winter long, because we're not billionaires, so the thermostat has no business going higher than 67 degrees. Rarely do the Hubs and I buy one another gifts. At Christmas time we usually buy something "big" for our house. Like this year, we've bought a new dishwasher for each other.

The Hubs is cheap in so many ways, except one: greeting cards.

Ethan Couch and His Case of Affluenza


Did you hear about the spoiled brat who killed a bunch of people and gets to go to a place that sounds a lot like a spa instead of prison?

Let me catch you up to speed in case you haven't seen his smug little face on the news. There's a kid in Texas named Ethan Couch. He's 16 years old. His daddy is the owner and CEO of a sheet metal company. I don't know what his mom does, but I'm guessing that parenting isn't on the list. Anyway, one night Ethan was home without any parental supervision and he decided to hit the local Wal-Mart and steal some beer. He got shit faced and then went for a joy ride with a bunch of his buddies in a truck owned by his daddy's company. Ethan was behind the wheel. He didn't get too far from his house when he plowed into four people who were trying to change a tire on the side of the road - killing them all. He was going 70 miles an hour in a 40 mph zone and his blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit (if he were over 21 and allowed to drink, that is). One of his buddies who was riding in the bed of the truck was thrown out on his head and he's been in a vegetative state ever since.

World's Worst Auntie


Just when you think your Aunt Marge isn't the nicest aunt in the world, you should thank your lucky stars that you don't have Aunt Jen. No. I'm not talking about me. I'm a GREAT aunt! (Right, nieces and nephews??? Right???? You'd better say the right answer or you'll hear from my lawyer!)

I'm talking about Jennifer Connell, the worst aunt in the world.

So, Auntie Jen went to her 8-year-old nephew's birthday party a few years ago. He was very excited to see Jen, probably because Jen sneaks him candy or something. Anyway, the nephew was excited to see Auntie Jen, so he ran and threw himself at her. Sure, it wasn't a cool thing to do, but kids do dumb things. They're kids. Now Jen's obviously kind of a wuss, because when 50 pounds of kid hit her full on, she fell over and broke her wrist.

Did You Know That Jimmy Fallon is My Cousin?


I had the most bizarre dream last night. It was about Jimmy Fallon. It wasn't erotic, although he is a cutie-patootie. It was all business related.

Jimmy Fallon called me and said, "What's up, cuz?" and I was like, "Umm, excuse me? Am I being punked right now?"

Jimmy laughed that cackle-y laugh of his and said, "No! We're actually cousins. Well, we're third cousins twice removed or something like that. I can't remember exactly. See, Ancestory.com wants to sponsor my show and my team and I thought it would be hilarious to use their site and research who I'm related to. We're finding distant cousins of mine and bringing them on the show to interview. We'd love to have you come on. You can totally promote Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat if you want." (Now you see why this dream isn't erotic. We're related!! And my new-found cousin wants to be my pimp. Awesome.)

The next thing I knew I was telling the Hubs I was going to New York City to be on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. "When do you go?" he asked.

"Tomorrow. Get this, I have to spend the weekend with Jimmy and his wife. I have to live at their apartment."

I Have Something You Need

Hellooooooo! How are you guys? I feel like I haven't talked to you in a long time. That's because I've been super duper crazy busy working on ...



That's right, people! I have a brand spanking new book out.

Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Yuletide Yahoos, Ho-Ho-Humblebraggers and Other Seasonal Scourges (STHWPIWTT: YYHH&OSS from here on out) is coming out on October 13. You can wait til then to get it or if you think you're going to be busy, then you should probably go ahead an pre-order now.

Now, if you've been hanging around me for awhile, you might be scratching your head and saying, "Wait, Jen, I already have that book." 

My answer? "Not exactly."

So, here's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of this story: In 2012 I self published a book called Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. It was a MASSIVE success (i.e., several people and my mom bought it) and it got great reviews EXCEPT there was one teeny tiny itty bitty complaint that kept popping up: "This is too short!" Soooo, I took a bunch of time away from my friends and family and blog and I doubled the size of this book. I kept all your old favorites, including the famous Overachieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies (you can read it here too) and I added a ton of new chapters you've never seen before.

Chapters like:

Doesn't Everyone Wrap Christmas Presents in Their Underwear?

Sometimes It's Hard to Tell the Difference Between a Home Invasion and an Overzealous Crew of Christmas Carolers

Nice Halloween Costume. Was "Skank" Sold Out?

Why You Won't Be Invited to Our Chinese New Year Party This Year, or Ever 

Then Random House was like, "Hey, this is a good book. We'd like to buy it." So, I sold it to them and they made me a new cover with a gingerbread man doing his "O" face. And then I met Jen Lancaster and I was like, "Hi. Would you like to be besties?" and she was like, "Sorry, I'm a little deaf in this ear" and so then I said, "Would you blurb my book?" and she said, "Oh, THAT I can do." And then she did!!! 

So that's on the cover too.

Does this sound like your kind of book? Well, if you've read this far, then this book is totally for you. What are you waiting for? Go and get your copy and six more for friends and family. It's the perfect White Elephant gift, hostess gift at your next cookie exchange party, or book to put on the back of your toilet when everyone descends on your house on Thanksgiving day. 

Bonus! If you're in Kansas City on October 13, you can totally come to the ah-may-zing launch party that Mid-Continent Library is throwing. Just click here for details and to sign up. 

If you're not local and you still want some books signed so you can give them as gifts (or keep them, I won't judge), then send me an email at [email protected] and let's make that happen for you. 
On a personal note, I want to thank you guys for always supporting me. The fact that I can spend my days in my PJs writing stuff that you'll read is the stuff of dreams. I am #blessed. Truly. That wasn't hashtag sarcasm, that was legit. I know that I don't say it enough to anyone, but especially to you, but I really do love you guys and I'm so grateful that you have embraced this sassy, sweary gal. Mwah! 


Trick or Treat? Please?


Gomer will be 10 this year and I've been wondering about what age is too old for trick-or-treating. I can remember trick-or-treating way past my prime. I can remember dressing up like Madonna in seventh grade. My dad wouldn't let me out the door until I showed him a picture of Madonna, because he was certain I was lying and my costume was really "underage hooker." I can remember hitting the local Walmart for adult-sized footie pajamas, a bib, and a pacifier when I was in college. I dressed up like a baby so my friends and I could score some free Snickers bars. The stupid part is I'm pretty sure my "costume" cost us more than if we'd just bought a bag of Snickers bars when we were at Walmart. But I later realized those jammies were an investment. They got worn all winter long.

Pet Amber Alert

Have you seen me-ow?
In one week I have received three annoying phone calls from the same organization. It's the Pet Amber Alert company.

Yes, I'm learning now that these things exist. So, when my neighbor's pooch runs away, I get an automated phone call telling me that "Rose Smith who lives on Main Street has lost her beagle. He's brown and white and answers to the name 'Tiger'." This message came in while I was away so it went to the answering machine. I swear it was over three minutes long of detailed information regarding helpful tips for the identification and trapping of Tiger so that I could return him to Rose. There were ideas of treats he prefers and how best to approach him. Ack!!

Why My Children Have No Right to Privacy

My friend Kim at Let Me Start By Saying wrote an essay that was featured on the Huffington Post . It was about reading her five-year-old...