I woke up in THE crappiest mood today. I was feeling a lot more irritated than usual. I thought maybe I'd check my email and see if someone had sent me a cat video that would cheer me up. Instead I saw a headline that caught my eye: No Relatives Show Up to Claim 5-Year-Old Left at Kohl's After Attempted Theft.
What the actual fuck???
I read the article and I immediately wanted to burn something down. Starting with the home of the fuckwit grandmother who abandoned this child after she got caught stealing shit from Kohl's.
|Where's the beef?|
If you are a faithful reader, you will know that my friend Sandy really wants to see "Magic Mike." She's been talking about it for a couple of weeks now and she was trying to get a couple of us to go with her. Our friends all declined for one reason or another. Sandy turned to me in her hour of need. What was I supposed to say? What kind of friend lets another friend go and watch prosthetic penises flop around in a fringed nut sack alone? I knew that if nothing else, there would be delightful eye candy (and I love eye candy as much as the next person) and there would be something good to write about. I am happy to say, "Magic Mike" delivered on both of these fronts.
So let me set the scene for you:
So The Hubs wrote a guest post the other day called 7 Complaints of a Stay at Home Dad. I shared it on Facebook, because I'm a good wife who likes to support my sad sack of a husband. At least that's what this chick Molly would say. She read the Hubs' post and then got her panties in a twist and left this message for me:
Of course my awesome readers attacked because the blog is called People I Want to Punch in the Throat, not fucking Unicorns and Rainbows. My people are ragers and Molly pushed their buttons. So then she came back with:
Hey guys, it's been a busy few weeks and I thought I'd catch you up on what's been going on. I know, I know. You're always sitting around wondering to yourself, “I wonder what Jen's been doing lately? I sure wish she'd write me a note and let me know what she's up to.” Lucky you, I've got a story for you. How about when I met my new BFF, Jen Lancaster recently? (OK, she doesn't know we're BFFs just yet, but soooooon she'll figure out we belong together.)
So, a few weeks ago I went to a book signing for Jen Lancaster. You know who Jen is, right? She's only one of the funniest lady writers out there. Her first book, Bitter is theNew Black, kind of changed my life. That was the first time I read a book about a woman doing ridiculous things, lamenting over first world problems, and swearing like a sailor. I thought to myself, “Wait. Stupid shit happens to me all the time and I swear so much I can make a Marine blush. You can get paid for this?? What the hell have I been doing with my life until now?” Also it was the first time a book truly made me guffaw. That's a level of laugh I don't often reach.
Father's Day is coming and the Hubs wanted to guest post. It's been a while since he last guest posted because you never know what he's going to say. He likes to tell the world my lady garden needs tending or that the only way he can get our kids to behave is through bribes. I decided to throw caution to the wind and let him do it again, but only because I love him so damn much. Especially when he agrees to babysit our kids.
A few months ago I wrote this list of annoying Facebook habits. Today I have some more to add:
1. Adults who post they going to accompany their spouse and/or partner to doctors' appointments.
Busy day! Took the day off today so I could take Brennan to lunch and then the dentist!
WTF? You are grown adults. Unless you are required to have anesthesia you do not need a designated driver for the dentist. Grow a pair, Brennan, and drive yourself.
2. Anyone who posts their Pinterest pins. When you pin something and it asks if you want to notify all your friends on Facebook, just say NO. None of us care about most of that crap. Plus, if I want to see what your dream kitchen looks like, I'll check out your Pinterest account.
And for the love of all things holy, stop with the Keep Calm and Carry On/Pet a Puppy/Watch Out for Zombies/whatever new fucking thing is we're saying now.
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