Lululemon Won't Crush Your Man's Balls

"My balls are too big for these pants. I wish there was a solution."

Let me just file story this under, HUGE ASS SIGH.

Men make fun of women and the purchases we make to help us fight wrinkles, fat, and errant chin hairs. But, you know what? Sometimes men are just as stupid as we are. It might be vanity that keeps us buying more creams and Spanx. We're motivated to make our asses bigger or smaller, our necks firmer, our hair silkier. Our handwriting neater?? Those poor companies that cater to us women and our low self esteem have obviously had enough, because with men, you just need to focus on one little -- excuse me, I mean a HUGE -- part of their body and they will freak the fuck out.

That area is their crotch, of course. There is nothing that will motivate a man more than telling him he has a puny prick.

This thought has kept companies like Trojan in the business of selling MAGNUM size condoms. I just went to their website and I saw that they don't even have a category for "Small." You must choose from "All Fits," "Regular," "Large," and "Extra Large." Oh for goodness sake! If I were in charge, I'd do it the Starbucks way and call their sizes "Harmonica," "Piccolo," "Recorder," "Clarinet," and "Bassoon." Men know nothing of musical instruments, very few of them have any idea if a piccolo is bigger than a clarinet. All they would care about is the fact that these are all instruments women play with their pretty mouths. Mmmmm.

Ahhh, men. They'll buy anything that assures them that their manhood is a bulging, straining, beast of burden that they must lug around all day long.

That's why they're snapping up $128 pants from Lululemon that promise not to crush their enormo nads.

I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone is HERE

I'm sure that you've noticed that I've been quiet for a while, that's because I've been working on a very important project!!


I am sooooooooooooooooooo excited to announce that I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone is available TODAY on Amazon, Nook, and iBooks!! (I can't stop yelling!!)

This is the third anthology and I swear they just keep getting better. I am so excited to bring back some of my veteran contributors and to introduce you to some MORE kick ass bloggers that you might not know.

Throat Punching in Paradise

I'm on Spring Break with the fam in Hawaii.

After a 16-hour journey we finally arrived in beautiful Hawaii. The first thing I noticed was the beautiful weather. "Ahhh," I said. "Sooooo much better than home." Then I checked my Facebook feed and saw that someone was bragging about 70 degrees back home.

Well, you know what? It's still Hawaii, asshole.



Heartless Homeowner's Association Denies Sick Child Her Wish

Today I was scrolling through my newsfeed when I saw an epic throat punch story happening almost literally in my back yard. I couldn't resist chiming in. I know a lot of you have read my Suburban Scourges book think I exaggerate about how awful some of the people are who live near me. I think this story will show you that I can't make this shit up.

Picture courtesy of the family
So, here's the story. There is a six-year-old girl named Ella who lives in a nearby town. She is very sick with cancer and she applied to Make-a-Wish. Her wish? It wasn't a trip to Disney or a hot air balloon ride. She wanted a playhouse. She wanted a playhouse in her backyard that she could play in on days when she felt strong enough. Make-a-Wish said: DONE. Then JE Dunn (a big time construction firm that builds stuff like the performing arts center) stepped up and said, We'll build it. We'll make it perfect. We'll even match the shingles on the houses in the neighborhood.

Then Ella's parents took their proposal to their Homeowner's Association (HOA) and the board looked it over and then said, NO.

Open Letter to Sadist Teachers

Pick your poison.  I've got all sizes covered this year. Guess what this week is? BACK TO SCHOOL!! I'm not excited at all. C...