People I Want to Punch in the Throat: PIWTPITT's Official Elf on the Shelf Calendar

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PIWTPITT's Official Elf on the Shelf Calendar


It's Elf on the Shelf time and so you know what that means, don't you? It's time to plan all of your Elfin' antics and this year our helpful overachieving friends have some up with a bunch of handy dandy calendars to help us less achieving souls get in on the fun too.

I've looked at several of these calendars and see a lot of the same things come up over and over. Ideas like: 

- Make a garland out of the kids' underwear.
- Decorate tree with socks and underwear.
- "Wrap" kids' bedroom doors with paper while they sleep.
- Elf writes the lyrics to "Jingle Bells" on toilet paper.

These are all great ideas - if I had any desire to make a garland out of my children's underwear. Since underwear garland and setting up ice hockey games with candy cane hockey sticks sound like a lot of work, I decided I'd rather come up with my own calendar for myself and the other underachievers out there. After all, the Elf on the Shelf doesn't need to be this hard, he's a doll who sits on a shelf.

I give to you, my Elf on the Shelf Calendar for Underachievers!

Here's the breakdown:

December 1: Elfie makes his appearance. Ta-da! No red carpet necessary, just put him on a shelf (preferably close to a second shelf, the mantle, and the Christmas tree - this will cut down on the number of steps you'll need to take over the next few days).

December 2: Move him to a shelf either above or below the first shelf. (If you want to get wild, go ahead and move him across the room to a different set of shelves, but pace yourself, it's a long month.)

December 3: Put him on the mantle.

December 4: Put him back on the ORIGINAL shelf.

December 5: Hide him in the Christmas tree.

December 6: Put him on the mantle.

December 7: Phew! You made it through the first week. It's time for a little break. Pour yourself a much deserved drink and then accuse your youngest child of secretly touching the Elf and making him lose his magic. (Come on, you know she's done it at some point and this way you're just keeping the "magic" and "wonder" of the season alive.) Now that Elfie has lost his magic, he must go to the North Pole hospital for three days to recover. Buh-bye, Elfie.

December 8-10: Take a break while Elfie recovers in a junk drawer somewhere - just don't forget which drawer you shoved him in.

December 11: He's baaaack. Just put him on the original shelf and he has a note that simply says, "I'm back and better than ever and I'm watching you. Closely." The kids are wigging out by this point in the month. They are hopped up on hot cocoa and snow days, so you might as well let the Elf do his job: scare the bad behavior right out of them.

December 12: Crap! You're out of practice and you forgot to move him. Tell the kids Elfie still isn't 100% well and Santa told him it was too cold to fly so he should take the night off to rest.

December 13: Double crap! The kids are coming and you haven't moved him yet. The second week is the hardest! Have the Hubs run interference while you throw the Elf across the room with your best Hail Mary pass. Where ever he lands is where he stays. Tell the kids he wanted a new angle to watch them from.

December 14: Find where Elfie landed when you threw him this morning and put him on the mantle.

December 15: Tuck him in the Christmas tree.

December 16: It's getting tiring again and you're falling behind. Time for another drink and another break. Accuse your oldest child of lying where the Elf could hear it. Tell him Elfie has been called home by Santa for a consultation Re: Oldest Child's Behavior. (Again, don't feel bad about this. You know that kid has told a lie at some point this month.) Shove Elfie in the drawer again.

December 17-19: Rest up for the final push. You're almost done now!

December 20: The Elf comes back to the original shelf with a message from Santa: "Dear Oldest Kid, Lots of children would love to get your Xbox/American Girl doll/etc. that you asked for. Don't make me give your presents to someone else." Boom. Oldest kid will be an angel for the next week.

December 21: Put him on the mantle.

December 22: It's the Hubs' turn to move him. You've done it all month long and these are his damn kids too!

December 23: Dangit! You can't find where Hubs moved Elfie to and the kids are coming. You spot him on top of the refrigerator (what in the world, Hubs??). You've got to climb up there and throw him across the room again. If you've got time, throw a tissue over him and tell the kids his parachute malfunctioned.

December 24: This is it: Elfie's last night. No need to over think it. Just put him back where he started: the original shelf.

BONUS - December 25: You forgot to put him away for good last night, didn't you? Do you hear the pitter patter of little feet on the stairs? They're coming! A Hail Mary won't work this time. He's supposed to be gone! Quick, shove him in the cushions of the couch. Surely you vacuum your couch enough that you'll find him before next year.

Now, do me a favor and share this with all of your underachiever friends and family. Every time you see someone share those OAM calendars, hit them with mine. Let them know that the Elf on the Shelf doesn't have to be so difficult.

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Thank you to Becca at culdesaccool.com for helping me design my calendar. (You didn't think I did that all by myself did you?) Go check her out. She's got lots of good stuff on her blog and her Facebook page. 

68 comments:

Cctcassidy said...

This is totally what it is like at my house every year! Thanks for making me not feel bad for not distroying my house with Elf on the Shelf ideas!!

Karrie said...

I simply refuse to buy one. We live in an EFZ: Elf-Free Zone!

Wendy Holm said...

If i felt inclined to go spend $30 on a damn stuffed elf, this is the calendar i would use! However, that seems like a waste of $30 and we have too many holiday traditions leading up to Christmas anyway! What the hell ever happened to the advent calendars. My kids are just excited to get piece of chocolate every day that mom remembers. Which means they eat like 4 pieces almost every Saturday of the month because we forgot to do them!

Rabia Lieber said...

This is how we've always done it, I just never had a calendar to help with the planning! Thanks!!

Cherish said...

If the elf's only job is to watch the kids & report back to Santa (do I have that right?) I can't understand why he can't do that from the same shelf every day/night. I don't work from the bathroom one day & the office the next. Wait. Oh.....

Tamara Cole said...

I love it!!! LMAO!!!

Penelope Lolohea said...

Love this! Though, my elf (if I had one) would end up "losing his magic" for the entire month. Sorry kiddo! :D

Patricia Ouellette said...

In tears from laughing so hard. I love it. I struggle with remembering him. And have more often than not run down ahead of them that if I remember. He occasionally does neat stuff here. But I absolutely loved the accusations. Perfect!! :-)

Micki OToole said...

Best calendar Jen and the most realistic. You're the best!

jenny said...

This is exactly how it goes at my house!

Jenny bAKER said...

LOL! I love you ever still! Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!

Amy Blythe said...

My mother sent me this calendar last week. I responded to her email in this manner, "NOT GONNA HAPPEN". Our elf is perfectly happy sitting on the curtain rod, shelf or tree.

Barely Treading Water said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karyn L said...

I Love this... Completely my house. I can never remember to move the elf! Thank goodness it's only 25 days.

kansas city mamas said...

Shoot. If I had an ELF, he would be like me and just hang out in the beer fridge for the whole month. Isn't that what the holidays are about? Medicating so we stay joyful.

abliss said...

Love this! Last week, my 7 year old offhandedly remarked to me, "So, 'Rocky' should be coming to our house soon." It had been almost 11 months since I'd thought of that elf sitting in a box in our basement, so he was completely off my radar. At that moment in time, I hadn't yet seen the crazy Pinterest calendars advising me to make him a "hot air balloon" using a helium balloon (wouldn't it lose air overnight?!?) and a pair of my kid's tighty-whiteys for the basket, so I stared at him blankly and said, "Rocky who?" I just hope that your brilliant Hail Mary-parachute-malfunction-combo move will be enough to satisfy him, because that's as creative as I'm going to be!

Stacey Burton said...

I just fucking adore you!

Party of Three said...

I never saw the big deal with this and had no desire to partake, but my daughter's Godmother sent her an Elf 2 years ago, so we played along. We do not do "outlandish" things. He simply coming to our home and changing positions over night is enough for her. She loves to wake up and look for him. She talks to him and writes him notes. She is THRILLED and has been asking about him, and wishing he would come and visit all year. My daughter will not have this innocence for long. I am going to cherish it. I don't follow what everyone else is going to make this such an uproar, so truly feel to each their own. I have left her letters from her elf and that's about it. I can understand the eye rolls with parents trying to "outdo" each other, but believe it or not, some parents do it just to bring more joy to their child. No other reason.

Holly @ The Grass is Always Greener said...

my kids are older so my elf gets to just be a naughty elf. They enjoy catching him with the Barbies or in the bar

Is there cheese in it? said...

Amazing. This is the type of Elf on a Shelf plan I could get behind ;)

Takara Hayashida said...

This isnt what I would call underachiever behavior.
Not purchasing the elf on the first place is the laziest thing...mostly becuase I just dont care. But the blog is amusing and worth reading

Amy Flory said...

If we had an elf it would be at the hospital all the time. My kids are pretty handsy.

Rory Bore said...

My mom called me just this morning to tell me she saw an Elf on sale at some store....would I like her to get one?
Hell on.
Yes, I swore at my own mother. that's how serious it is.
And then told her, mom - there's a reason the lil bast$rd is on sale. that's how you get rid of things nobody really wants.

Joanne said...

You forgot the 3am, "Oh, shit- I didn't move the elf!" stumble down the stairs and blindly move the elf in the dark night!

Raabster said...

Kudos!
I refuse to cave as well! EFZ for this family!

RachRiot said...

Last year, our dog was pretty interested in our Elf, "Carlos". I've often thought how horrible it would be to come downstairs and see poor Carlos disemboweled on the kitchen floor. And by horrible I mean hilarious. Stuffing and red felt everywhere. heh.

Jenna Moore said...

I expect I'll put ours in one of my sons' rooms and leave him there a few days. I'll add a note that says "Clean Your Room!" and explain that the elf is stuck because he can't get past the pile of junk on the floor!

Tanya said...

I have to say that I am so happy we don't own one of these little bastards.

Nancy said...

Hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica Carey said...

Same here! I REFUSE to pay $30 for a stupid stuffed doll and a book...and, let's face it, that's just more damned work that I DON'T want to partake in!

Jessica Carey said...

Ha, same here Wendy! My grandmother buys all of the great-grandkids advent calendars each year, and they sit untouched most of the week each week...

Brandi said...

RIGHT? My youngest is 10 and he is the only that still believes the elf business. If I can just stick to my guns and hold out a little longer, I will be out of the woods....

Noelle Chalona said...

This is what my Elf calendar has looked like for the past few years. I unexpectedly came across our elf in my sock drawer last week. Phew. I would never have looked for it there.

PhotoBugLis said...

No elf here either and my mom and sisters act like I am scaring my children for life!

Greetings from the Hotel Bassemonte said...

Love this calendar so much. I'm working on a blog post from my Elf who has "low elf-esteem" because we aren't creative enough, and going to put a link to this calendar in it. Stay tuned!

Greetings from the Hotel Bassemonte said...

I love this so much, I'm working on a blog post now that will link to this brilliant calendar. Stay tuned!

Greetings from the Hotel Bassemonte said...

Ok, here it is - why these over-achievers are making my Elf on a Shelf suffer from low elf-esteem
http://basementblogging.tumblr.com/post/68825706604/my-elf-on-a-shelf-has-low-elf-esteem

Vicky said...

Haha! Love it! I refuse to buy it when I saw the song that went with it that "The elf on the shelf is watching you; judging you…" Yikes! What child can sleep with a pointy eared Chuckie in their house?

Jennifer Dewey said...

Ok if ur going to blame ur child for touching it and send the elf away for 3 daya cuz u don't what to spend 5 mins to move maybe you should rethink the decision to even partake in this tradition. Its only 24 days!

Kristen said...

http://mylifeandkids.com/elf-on-the-shelf-ideas-for-slackers/

Yours is much better.

Bigger Than Dallas said...

Jen, have you seen this one?! My husband sent it to me last night and it has to be the best/worst one I've seen yet. "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again..." AAACCKK! Hope the link works!

http://whitelion.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/It-puts-the-lotion-in-the-basket_.jpg

Leia Glover said...

While this post is pretty funny, some people are seriously "hatin" on mommy/daddys that do this. Im a single mother who works 40+ hours a week and Im taking 10 semester hours. I can spare 5 min of my time in the evening to move the elf. Im not throwing feathers and flour all over my house but I do get creative with it. "Sid" T.P'd the Christmas tree the other night, it took me less than 60 seconds to wrap the tree and set him on top of the toilet paper roll and my LO's reaction the next morning was worth it. We also throw in some Christ-centered activities for Sid to reinforce the meaning of the holiday. I don't think there is a set way to do your elf... if you want to mess up your house, then good for you. If you want to let your elf sit in the same spot all month, then good for you. If you refuse to buy an elf, then great! Being a mommy is hard enough without judging each other...

Lorcutt said...

we live in an elf free zone too!

Tiffany said...

My kids saw the USPS commercial with Santa filling the box with coal. We're good. No elf required here. When they are off their rails, I simply say, "Remember Santa filling the box with coal??" Done. That is all it takes. I was tempted to get an elf, but, yeah, I am an underachiever. No time or desire to overachieve.

scseery said...

WARNING!! THIS IS NOT KID OR WORK FRIENDLY!! This is one bad bad elf! http://seriouslyforreal.com/funny/inappropriate-elf-on-a-shelf-36-pics/

Ann Marie Thomas said...

I wanna start that with my kids! Naughty Elf on a shelf!! Perfect!!

*~*Lis*~* said...

so how exactly did you get a copy of my ideas calender?

Angie C said...

The elf creeps me out. You can bet we don't own one LOL.

Meg said...

I am such an underachiever! Love your posts!!!

darla mcclure said...

I'm doing the stupid elf shit again. This is my second year. Last year I think she only moved a few times. She just showed up last night. So if I can get thru these two weeks with your calender I may be ok.....

~ Beth Smartmouthprogram.com said...

we have an "UNOFFICIAL" elf on the shelf , cuz 30.00 for stuffed toy was wrong , our elf from the dollar store ,is the kids best friend, they play with "him" and stuff, and they take him in the bedroom when they cleanup etc. he has accompanied them to the bathroom to make sure they flush and wash hands ( much bigger deal with twin toddlers)

Christie Jennings said...

The elf is not for my kids. It is for me to fulfill my evil fantasies of secretly scaring the shit out of my kids, and as a bonus, keep their little asses in line so I don't have to yell for three weeks. In a row.

shannon said...

i was telling my mom about your hilarious posts on the elf on the shelf (your blog is the first i ever heard of such a thing) and she said "whatever happened to advent calendars?" hahaha my thoughts exactly!

usernametaken said...

@Tiffany, I like your style

Meegan Youngstrom said...

I refuse to buy a 30 skinny little elf. So I happened to see two chunky litle fat elves at the dollar tree. Yeah the dollar tree....they are that elf's fat cajun cousins. And they are too fat and lazy to move so they are stationary under my tree. Boom! Done

Design Lab 443 said...

St. Nick brings our elf on Dec 6th... that knocks off 6 days of hiding him! :)

Mommy in Maryland said...

I am WAY better at coming up with excuses why the elf didn't move than I am coming up with things to do with him! Glad I'm not alone! :Love this!

Chocolate Drool and Kisses said...

I refused to buy one...then my mom got my family one as a gift...and gave it to the kids and told them all about it before telling me....:( my elf has been very lame and I have done a couple Hail Marys :)

Domestic Diva said...

This is perfect! Printing this out and passing it out!

lynns said...

Our elf only moves when the kids are well behaved and he has good things to tell Santa. They must really be assholes because "Fazoodle" does not move every night!

Sandra said...

Freak. That's what my mom did too. Are you planning on coming over here every.single.night to move this stupid ass doll, Mom? Ugh. Grandparents.

David Silva said...

I think this is a move by the NSA to get another camera in everyone's house, so no elves.

ElizabethF said...

Simple. A few years ago, before this "Elf on the Shelf" was a thing and only a few people were doing it, I bought some cheap ass garden gnomes from Target, put them in both boys' rooms. When they were at school, I'd turn on their xboxes, put the controller in the gnomes' lap and scatter popcorn everywhere. Then yell at the boys to clean their rooms when they got home. Now the lazy wooden chubs sit in stare into space, wishing for what could have been.

Amanda Dearest said...

Ha! I totally just snorted at day 7. Our Elf "lost his magic" at week three.

I was in such a hurry to move him, i didnt notice his hat had been frozen to the top of the freezer, so the hat sat there frozen and alone like a sad reminder of kids bad deeds for three days. Lmfao!! Every time i forgot to move him after that, i blamed it on his weak magic. Its nice knowing im not the only one!

Rebel Mony said...

I like this. Just starting the elf today with our 2 year old and already overwhelmed by how much extra work it sounds like for lazy souls like me.

mspice3 said...

My girls are 16, 18 and 21 and I thank God that this creature didn't exist when they were younger...

Csnee317 said...

I'm torn because I think he is such a creepy looking bastard and yet I think the idea is kind of fun...but what happened to the good old fashioned "Santa is watching" you...you know, that whole "He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake". Doesn't anyone just tell their kid that anymore? Luckily my daughter is only 1 and this creepy looking bastard wasn't around when my nieces and nephews were believers.

LA Hill said...

You have probably already seen this but, just in case, let's make this annoying little shit useful!
http://themotherlist.com/elf-on-the-shelf-tradition-will-actually-love/