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Hey Girl . . .

I don't know about you, but I spent many a Valentine's Day home alone wishing someone would spend his allowance on a ridiculously over-sized teddy bear holding a plush heart that I could perch in the corner of my room as a constant reminder that someone loved me.

I've written a letter to that girl.

Dear Jenni [because you know, I was still Jenni in those days],


How's it going, girl? Happy Valentine's Day. I'm from the future. Yeah, your style doesn't get much better as you age. Sorry. But look how good your teeth look now! I know those braces seem like a real pain in the ass, but they're really going to pay off. And look at your hair! Amazeball invention: the straightening iron. It's like your very best friend in the future. I know it seems crazy to think you might actually want to straighten that glorious permed hair, but someday I think you might realize that you've got a face for straight hair - and hats (you might try a hat now). I'm not trying to be bossy or anything. It's your hair. But between the braces and the perm it's just . . . a lot going on. That's all I'm saying.


Anyhoo, let me get to why I'm writing. I know you're home alone today and it sucks. I know you think that you're never going to have a Valentine, but that's not true. Now, before you get too excited, let me just go ahead and burst your John Hughes' movie marathon bubble: you're not going to marry Jake Ryan. You're going to marry Long Duk Dong. Actually, that's not true either. The Hubs is probably closer to an Asian version of every character Anthony Michael Hall ever played in the 80s. That's not bad right?

Your Hubs is funny. Like really funny. You're going to laugh your ass off. Every day. He's super smart too. I know, I know. Right now smart guys are not that appealing to you. You sort of like that burnout, bad boy, but honestly, Jenni, have you thought that one through? The best he can hope for is any job that doesn't run a drug test. Maybe you won't listen to me about the perms, but you need to trust me on this one: you want a smart guy.

Wait until you see your kids. I know you think you want five or six kids, but I'm telling you that shit is foolish. You can barely handle two. You're going to have two really beautiful, sweet kids. Just stop while you're ahead, because who knows what else you might get.

Now here's the kicker: right now you're sitting home alone wishing you had someone around. Fast forward 27 years and you'd do anything to get the house to yourself for the night. Crazy, right? You're going to be so loved that you'll dream of this night.

Well, I've got to get back to the future now. Your kids are home from school and everyone wants a snack and I have to quiz your son on his spelling words and work with your daughter on her reading and give everyone baths and sign permission slips and write checks for their soccer camps this summer and make sure the Hubs is cooking dinner (yeah, he cooks - Wow! Right?). You enjoy your night alone, because you're not going to get many more.

And oh yeah, go easy on the half priced chocolates the day after Valentine's Day, OK?

Love,

Jen

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32 comments:

  1. That Jake Ryan/Long Duck Dong/Anthony Michael Hall bit is the best thing I've read this week. Dying!

    I'm off to figure out which supporting character I married.

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  2. I heart this letter. If only my permed, brace-faced self, with a certain thickness around the middle and a doofy awkwardness had received one, I could have avoided a lot of mistakes. :)

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  3. Very sweet. I wish we could actually do that and send letters to our past selves - might avoid some of the worst mistakes.

    And that thing about the smart oh-so-funny guy - yeah - that's the best gift of all!

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  4. The Long Duck Dong comparison made me snort hot tea. Tweeted.

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  5. Please tell me that is really you. It almost makes me want to bust out an oldie but goodie of me. I did bypass the land of heavy metal orthodontics, but I think we had the same hairdresser. We totally would have been besties. Alone together.

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  6. You never cease to make me laugh with your posts!!!
    "You'd do anything to get the house to yourself" Classic

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  7. Beautiful! I wish my 40+ year old self could write my 15 year old self a letter...

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  8. Honestly that's a pretty boss reality check for then AND now. Also the anthony michael hall thing is pretty brilliant.

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  9. OMG! I had that same hair as a kid! My hair is naturally bone straight, but my mom didn't want to deal with de-tangling long hair and whatnot, so from about ages five through eleven she just chopped it off and permed it a la Little Orphan Annie. I'm 34 and my friends and family STILL tease me about it. And my mom still sighs wistfully and insists that it was soooo cute. Poor deranged Mom...

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  10. Well that was very strange, because I read 'Dear Jenni' and honestly thought for a moment that this was a letter to me. Definitely strange, as I've never had curly hair and can't time travel. I think I'm overly sleep deprived.

    Wonderful blog though!

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  11. Holy hell. You've written some funny shit, but the Long Duck Dong line might be my favorite yet. HOW did I not see that coming? It makes it even more awesome that you could have used it even if there wasn't a character with that name and we still would have known what you meant. Brilliant.

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  12. When my husband asked what I wanted to do on Vday I said, "Sit on the couch by myself." He didn't understand. Glad to see someone does!

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  13. Fantastic. A very cute letter and a nice little trip back in time. I think we all wish we could do that from time to time.

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  14. Loved this - I wish I could write something to 16 year-old self (but she didn't pay any attention to anyone over 25 so certainly wouldn't listen to someone MY age) - you definitely deserved today's vote!!!

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  15. lets just say i did manage to avoid the perm , but i did have 80s wonder bangs.. as in i wonder how much teasing and spray went in to keep that poop ball up

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  16. I loved it. This was really sweet and where the hell was this letter to ME when I was home alone with a gap between my front teeth, my own bad perm, on my red hair and so gangly I looked like the next door neighbor...who was a boy.

    Totally voting for you.

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  17. If I could write a letter to my teenage self I'd say, Self, listen carefully: take some naked pictures now 'cause.. damn. Your body is TOW UP after squeezing out two kids. Just sayin.

    p.s. Long Duck Dong reference had me wheezing like my Aunt Pookie. Brillz.

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  18. I so could have written this letter to myself younger self, especially the straightening iron part, because I too had the crazy 80s perm hairstyle going on!! Really great and the brat pack movie references were awesome!!

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  19. Who wants a popular hunk when they can have smart and funny?! Flat abs turn into beer guts but smart wit lives on forever.

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  20. I also suffered from the bad perm. I had long straight hair until 5th grade when my mom finally gave into my pleading and let me get a perm. Unfortunately, she refused to pay good money to let me keep my long hair and get a spiral perm. Nope, she told the hairdresser to cut it all off and give me a tight perm like hers. It was horrible! My nickname through middle school was French poodle. Adding glasses and braces to that freak show and there is no wonder why I didn't have a date for years!

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  21. Forget the bad perm and braces. That couch would have scared off any boy with ideas of making out with you....

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  22. I think if I could write my young self a letter, I'd tell her to not be so damn afraid of failure. She's going to do great, and just jump right in. Also, start exercising so the 30+ version of me will already be into it.

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  23. Straight up laughed out loud at my desk when I read Long Duck Dong. Man that is great TV.

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  24. We just took our kids to the movie "Parental Guidance" last weekend and who shows up on the screen but Long Duk Dong. I was so excited that I screamed his name! Unfortunately the other people in the theater didn't think it was great to see the Duk Man!

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  25. We just took our kids to the movie "Parental Guidance" last weekend and who shows up on the screen but Long Duk Dong. I was so excited that I screamed his name! Unfortunately the other people in the theater didn't think it was great to see the Duk Man!

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  26. This post inspired me to write a letter to my 12-year-old self. I told her to enjoy the overalls phase because it doesn't last...
    http://www.hip-babymama.com

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  27. i just saw this post on AOL's homepage and wanted to say you go! AS i was reading this I kept on expecting a picture of myself in 6th grade to pop up... what is it about being 11-14 thats makes it ok to have braces, glasses, and a perm at the same time? If I had a time machine I'd hide in an alley and attack my formerly permed head with a flat iron. But i would leave the brace because my mouth was a mess before those things!

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  28. Oh how I love this. That perm is magic.

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  29. Wow - you could have been writing to me as a teenager! Though I had a habit of swinging from bad boy to smart guy and back again. Ended up with smart guy and now create my own adventure.

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  30. If only we weren't so hard on ourselves back then, eh? I'd give anything for a peaceful night where I get the t.v. to myself, except I'd probably just watch "16 Candles" again for the millionth time.

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  31. "A lot going on." LOL. If only we could go back and give ourselves perspective. And a hat. And lessons in makeup because that teal eyeliner I sported and thought made me look like hot sh*t did not in fact make me look like hot sh*t.

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