My Rules for Playdates

My kids have reached the age now where they have playdates with their friends and classmates without anyone's mother looking over their shoulder watching.  It's awful.  Now I have to not only discipline my own kid, I have to discipline someone else's kid too.

That's assuming I'm hosting the playdate.  I feel just as bad for the mother hosting MY kid at her house.

Believe me, it's not like I think that when my kids go to their friend's house they are angels.  Far from it.  I know they're not.  As much as I try and drill my rules into their heads, I know that as soon as they're out of my sight they're swinging from a chandelier like a monkey.  (BTW - If my kid EVER swings from your light fixture, you have my permission to spank him/her.  That shit is unacceptable.)

Actually, sometimes my kids don't even wait until I've left the building to be complete and total nightmares.  For instance, last week we were invited to a friend's house for a water gun battle.  Unbeknownst to me, Gomer arrived locked and loaded.  We were waiting for everyone else to arrive, so I told him to put his gun down and have a seat.  Within 5 minutes he'd soaked a friend.  Are you fucking kidding me, Gomer?  You shot someone with a water gun in my friend's living room?!

His response?  "I only shot him in the face, mom.  I barely got any water anywhere else."  Oh yeah, that makes it so much better.

"You know better," I hissed at him.  He does.  Or at least I think he does...yes, yes, he does.  He knows all of my playdate rules and now I'll share them with you.

Here's what I came up with and I'm sure you can add to the list.  These are my rules for my kids:

1.  No firing loaded water guns anywhere but outside.  This was never on the list before last week.  I always assumed it was implied and understood, but apparently I need to make it its own item on the list.  WTF?

Not in the house, brainiac.

2.  Never talk back to an adult.  This is a big one with me.  My kids have a few sassy friends that drive me crazy and I'm terrified my kids pull that kind of shit at their friend's houses.  My favorite visitor was the kid who said:  "Dude, your mom is so bossy!" after I told them to go build Legos because they were literally beating the shit out of each other with sticks.  I go over this one again and again with my kids.  If I ever hear that my child talked back or questioned an adult at a playdate there will be hell to pay.

"You can't tell me what to do.  You're not my mom."

3.  Take turns choosing what to play.  Adolpha's age group does better at this than Gomer's.  I swear elementary school aged kids forget everything they learned in preschool about sharing and taking turns.  I am constantly refereeing.

4.  Video games are OK, but within reason.  You know what we allow you play at home and "Mortal Kombat" is not on the list.  Any game that shows a person getting their spine ripped out or his head chopped off in graphic detail is not allowed.  Politely tell your friend's mother that you are not allowed to play "Mortal Kombat" and ask her if she has something else.

5.  Do not trash someone's house.  You do not need to get out every single toy, Lego, costume, stuffed animal, block, sword, Barbie, book, gun, sticker, marker, etc. to have a good time.  Pick a few toys and play.  Better yet, go outside to play and let the mom have a quiet (and clean) house to herself for a while.

"Thanks for having us!  Gotta go!"

6.  Don't pick on the host's sibling(s).  Most of my kids' friends have a little brother or a little sister that gets in the way.  This makes him/her an easy target.  If you don't want to play with the sibling, that is fine, but don't push their buttons.

7.  Don't ask for food.  You are a well-fed child.  You had lunch today before you went to play.  You will have dinner when you get home.  You will not starve to death while you're at your friend's house for the next 2 hours.  Nine times out of 10, food will be offered to you, so just wait until it is offered.  However, you may always ask for a glass of water if you are thirsty.

8.  If you are offered food and it is something you don't care for, politely decline.  Acceptable answers are:  "No thank you, I'm not very hungry." or "No thank you, I'd rather just play."  NEVER say, "I don't like _____ what else do you have?"

"You call this a Bento box snack?  Have you even Google'd Bento box?  Your aesthetic sucks.  Oh and so does the food.  What else do you have?"

9.  Turn off the TV and play.  You can watch "Phineas & Ferb" at home.  You're there to play with your friend.  Go play.

"Now this is a Bento box snack, lady!"

10.   Don't jump on beds.  I don't care if Egbert's mother said it was OK.  This is not allowed at your house, so don't do it at your friend's house, because when the bed breaks (and it will) I will feel obligated to buy Egbert a new bed.

11.  Do not put on makeup without an adult's permission and supervision.  This one is obviously for Adolpha.  She and her friends are a bit obsessed with lipgloss and such and they love to "beauty shop" it up when no one is watching.

12.  Be gentle with your friend's toys.  Toys are expensive and dear to your friend.  Do not handle them roughly or lose parts.  If you do break something, admit it.  Tell your friend's mother and tell me when I pick you up so I can replace the toy you broke.

13.  Never torment the family pet.  I don't care if Anastasia "always" puts her cats in casts and plays vet.  I am not Anastasia's mother, I am yours and I'm telling you that's cruel.  Leave the pets alone.

What are you looking at?

14.  Don't whine and/or cry when I come to pick you up.  I'm glad you had fun with your friend, but we will not do this again if you're going to be an ass every time your playdates are over.

The Hunger Games Racists Who Can't Read

SPOILER ALERT:  APPARENTLY THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVEN'T READ THESE BOOKS AND ARE PLANNING TO SEE THE MOVIE.  I TELL YOU IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE BOOK AND/OR MOVIE, SO READ WITH CAUTION.  JEN


Wow.  I just have to start this post off with that word:  Wow.

I knew there were racist people out there, but I always imagined they were lurking in the background and they covered up their racism with words like "hoodies" and "fumbling at his waistband."  I'm always amazed when racists just come right out and say what's on their minds.  Like these assholes did on Twitter.

Supposedly these dummies read "The Hunger Games," but somehow they missed it that one of the central characters was described as having "dark brown" skin.  Anyone who read the book and actually paid attention imagined Rue as a small, black girl.  Nope, not these idiots.  So when they sat down to watch the movie this weekend and saw that a black actress had been cast to play Rue, these people were shocked and outraged that their beloved tale of youth killing one another in cold blood on live television was sullied.  One guy even tweeted he wasn't as sad when Rue died because she was black and another person called her the "N" word.  Wow.

I don't what I'm more horrified by though.  The fact that they tweeted this racist bullshit or the fact that these fuckups can't comprehend what they read!

Yeah, it's the racism that bothers me the most.

I'm stunned.  WTF, people?  How in the world can the casting of a little black girl cause such an uproar?  This is 2012!  We have a mixed race President in the White House!  We should not be subjected to ignorant and racist tweets from a bunch of dumb white girls and a few stupid whitish (I can't tell from the pics) guys in this day and age.  There should not have to be op-ed pieces warning young black men to keep their hoods down (even in the rain), keep their hands out of their pockets and their eyes on the ground and say, "Yes sir." when confronted by a gun-toting vigilante or a rogue police officer.

This should not be happening, because our country should be better than this.

I would like to think that I live in a country that is color blind, but apparently I'm the idiot.  I'm the one teaching my kids that race doesn't matter.  I'm the one telling my mixed race children that they have just as many opportunities in their lives as their white classmates.  And then I read ignorant shit like these tweets and I realize I'm living in a dream world and I can't protect my kids from everything and everyone who will judge them because of their skin tone and their race.

I can only teach them what I believe.  I believe that they're unique and special and wonderful just the way they are.  Yes, their skin is darker than mine, but their skin is beautiful and amazing.  Their eyes are not as round as mine, but their eyes are intelligent and deep and gorgeous.  They are worthy and intelligent.  They are strong and unafraid.

I will do my best to protect them from people who will judge them and put them down because of their race.  Eventually it will happen and when it does I will be there to pick them up and tell them again how perfect they are.  To explain to them that it doesn't matter what a few people (who don't even know them) think of them.  What matters is what they think of themselves.  What matters is how they're going to take that experience and use it to grow.  What matters is that they can rise above bigotry and hate and accomplish anything they want.

If you haven't done so already, check out what I've been writing for Babble.com.


Photos:  Jezebel.com

The Parents Who Ruined the Easter Egg Hunt

Seriously?  WTF, people?  Pushy parents went so far last year at a Colorado Easter egg hunt that this year, the organizers are just cancelling it.  They don't want to deal with the annoying, asshole parents who went crazy trying stealing Easter eggs from little kids.  It's a joke, right?  Nope.  Not at all.

One asshat was quoted as saying:  "You have all these eggs just lying around and parents helping out.  You better believe I'm going to help my kid get one of those eggs.  I promised my kid an Easter egg hunt and I'd want to give him an even edge."  (This guy isn't even a father.  He took his friend's son.  I fear for the world once this guy starts procreating.)

You, sir, are a douchebag.  What the hell is wrong with you?  It's a fucking Easter egg hunt, not an Ivy League admissions interview.  Your (friend's) kid doesn't need an "edge" at an Easter egg hunt.  He needs a basket and the ability to bend over and pick up an egg.  Hell, he doesn't even need a cute little basket - a grocery sack will do.  He doesn't need you out there jumping the barriers and running ahead to scout the "good" eggs.  He doesn't need you to clear a path of other small children so that he can be King of the Easter egg hunt when he "finds" all the eggs.

I wondered what was in the eggs to make people act so crazy.  Maybe diamonds?  Or $100 bills?  Nope.  Coupons to local businesses and donated candy.  These idiots were fighting over snack-sized candy bars they could buy at the local Wal-Mart and coupons for 10% off their dry cleaning.  Fucking morons.

I just wonder what makes these people tick.  Must their kids win at EVERYTHING?  Is everything a competition?  It's weird though, they have to compete so much that they even compete over the dumbest things - like an Easter egg hunt.  Who gives a shit if little Jeremiah won the Easter egg hunt of 2011?  (Especially when he still can't spell Jeremiah and he's in first grade.)  This is just another example of rewarding kids for stupid shit.  Who cares if your kid can find the most Easter eggs in an open field of thousands of eggs or hang up their coat properly?  Big fucking deal!  You don't get a medal for that.  These are accomplishments that are not even worth mentioning, let alone competing in.

I can't wait until these kids are all grown up and it's "Bring Your Parent to Work Day" and my kids laugh their asses off at them when their parents reward them for having the "most organized" desk.

Recommended Children's Books

I asked for some favorite children's books titles and this is what I got.  I made a list for Babble.com of books to read out loud and another list for independent readers and the rest are here.  Surely you can find something new to read here.

Goodnight Moon

Runaway Bunny

The Giving Tree

Where the Sidewalk Ends (really anything by Shel Silverstein)

Just So Stories

The Bear Wants More series

The Dot and the Line

Jellybeans for Breakfast

The Polar Express

Red Ripe Strawberry

The Kissing Hand

The Boy Who Painted Dragons

Benny the Breakdown Truck

The Little Mouse

The Napping House

Harry the Dirty Dog

I Love You Forever

Moo Baa La La La

Stellaluna

Have You Filled a Bucket Today?

Pickles the Fire Cat

I Love You Through and Through

Anything by Dr. Seuss

Llama Llama series

Guess How Much I Love You?

I Love You Forever

The Color Kittens

Ferdinand the Bull

"Bear" series by Karma Wilson

Harold and the Purple Crayon

The Pokey Puppy

The Monster at the End of This Book

Bad Kitty series

Blueberries for Sal

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

I Love You Stinky Face

The Very Hungry Catepillar and anything else by Eric Carle

Frog and Toad Are Friends

Chickens to the Rescue

Lottie Harris Lives Here

Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel

Are You My Mother?

Tickle Monster

Any of the "If You Give..." books

The Big Hungry Bear

Animals Should Definitely Not Wear Clothes

Jamberry

Amelia Bedelia

Pirates Don't Change Diapers

Where the Wild Things Are

Never Tease a Weasel

The Berenstain Bears

One of Each

Lemony Snicket

Peter and the Starcatchers

Ready Freddy series

Junie B. Jones

The Twits

Freckle Juice

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle

How to Eat Fried Worms

Pippi Longstocking

Little House on the Prairie

Little Women

The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret

Beezus and Ramona

The Secret Garden

The Little Princess

Lord of the Flies

Encyclopedia Brown

Gregor the Overlander

The Giver

The Witch of Blackbird Pond

The Borrowers

Harry Potter

Percy Jackson

Ella Enchanted

A Wrinkle in Time

The Little Prince

Charlotte's Web

Bridge to Terabithia

Charlie Bone

Judy Moody

Beverly Cleary

Junie B. Jones

Magic Treehouse

Roald Dahl

Indian in the Cupboard

Summer of Monkeys

Nancy Drew

Hardy Boys

All of a Kind Family
From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Little House Series

Encyclopedia Brown

Choose Your Own Adventures

Brighty of the Grand Canyon

Misty of Chincoteague
Any of the Marguerite Henry books really. (ALL. ABOUT. HORSES.)
Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles and Mandy by Julie Andrews (Edwards)

Ramona

Chocolate Fever

Anne of Green Gables

The Westing Game

Anything by Avi

Super Fudge

Harriet the Spy

The Babysitters Club

Ivy and Bean

Wayside School is Upside Down

Anastasia Krupnik

Where the Red Fern Grows

Boxcar Children

Fear Street series

The Giver

The Witches

BFG

Hoot

Anything by Lois Duncan

Witch of Blackbird Pond

Chronicles of Narnia

A Star for the Latecomer

Tom Sawyer

Huckleberry Finn

Harry Potter series

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

Island of the Blue Dolphin

The Phantom Tollbooth

Secret Series

Nother Story books

Amelia Bedelia

James and the Giant Peach

Esperanza Rising

Mouse and the Motorcycle

Becoming Naomi Leon

The Devil's Arithmetic

Hatchet

Spiderwick Chronicles

After Ever After

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle

The Velvet Room

Striped Ice Cream

Scarlet Royal

National Velvet

Watership Down

The Cat Who Walked Through Walls

The Trumpet of the Swan

Freak the Mighty

Stand Back Said the Elephant I am Going to Sneeze

Holes

Bruno & Boots

Sweet Valley High

My Side of the Mountain

Gregor the Underlander

Candy Apple series

Black Beauty

A Cricket in Times Square

My Weird School series

Cam Jansen

Baseball Card Adventures

Mike Lupica

Every Soul a Star

The Cay

Maniac Magee

Number the Stars

How to Train Your Dragon series

Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM

The Warriors series

Angus, Thongs and Full Frontal Snogging

Trixie Belden series

The Great Brain series

My Friend Flicka

Night of the Twisters

Caddie Woodlawn

Strawberry Girl

Moon Over Manifest

The Girl Who Could Fly

Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

Sideways Stories From the Wayside School

Julie of the Wolves

Jacob Have I Loved

Hope Was Here

Because of Winn Dixie

A Year Down Yonder

Out of the Dust

Wringer

The View From Saturday

Walk Two Moons

How to Eat Fried Worms

City of Ember

Fablehaven

This Place Has No Atmosphere

Frindle

There's a Girl in the Boy's Bathroom

Scat

Ruby Holler

The Chocolate Touch

Hugo Cabret

A Dog Called Kitty

Hooples on the Highway

To Kill a Mockingbird

Paint the Wind

Tiger Eyes

Lemonade Wars

The Outsiders

The Borrowers

Roll of Thunder Hear Me Cry!

Tuck Everlasting

The Girl With Silver Eyes

Prydain Chronicles

The Guardians of Ga'Hoole

Pippi Longstocking

My Father's Dragon

Anything by Christopher Pike

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Anything by Alvin Ho

Weekly Wrap Up 3.24.12

It's wrap up time!  This week I turned 40 and I had so many nice birthday wishes and comments.  Thank you to everyone who chimed in.  Also, I'd like to wish a special birthday wish to all of my readers who shared my birthday!  I think I saw at least 2 of you!  Happy Birthday!  

So far 40 has been "Meh."  I did not have a big to-do, although I was hoping the Hubs would throw me a Marie-Antoinette themed 40th birthday in Paris, of course.  I guess he's saving that for my 50th.  

Actually, the whole month of March has been "Meh."  I just read that March can put people in a funk because of the rapid change of light this time of year or something like that.  Well, consider me funked.  I am pissed off at everything right now.

Besides my birthday this week, I also won the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funniest Mom Blogs, so that was pretty kick ass.  Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who voted for me.  I'm working on their interview questions right now and I'll send you the link once it's up on Circle of Moms.  CofM has been cool, because we gained a lot of new readers from there.  If you're new:  Welcome.  I hope you stick around.  Here's the deal.  I'm usually funny, but there are times that I am angry and pissed off and ranty, so just hang in there, I'll get back to funny soon enough.  

Top Read Posts This Week:

The Big Kids at Playland - I took Gomer and Adolpha to a school fundraiser at Chick-fil-A and I watched some kids wilding in the playland.  It made me wonder how big is too big for the playland?  This post also started a religious debate in the comments section.  WTF?  The post was about chicken and playlands, not Chick-fil-A hates gay people (even though they do).

Lice - (Scratch, scratch)  Lice is everywhere these days, but I've realized that with a once a month bath policy my kids can avoid lice and just be the stinky kid in the classroom instead of the itchy one.

Top 5 Ridiculously Unbelievable Babies - The Hubs wrote this one.  He drives me nuts with all his Youtube shit he's always trying to show me.  I told him to make a list and so he did.  He thought it was a funny list, but he was surprised when the Shakira baby got skewered in the comments.  (Looks like I'm not the only one in a mad mood, because of the light.)  You guys were kind of harsh on that baby and her rack and the junk in her trunk.  Plus, if you're going to make fun of one of those kids, it should totally be the baby who knows Chinese.  That kid isn't having any fun.  At least Shakira baby is shaking her money-maker and loving every minute of it.  That poor Chinese baby just wants to play and her dad is drilling her on bullshit that no baby should know.  I think she's 6 now.  I sure hope she's in college now or else she's a huge disappointment to her parents.

Gomer Wants a Kindle Fire - Gomer has saved his money and would like to buy a Kindle Fire.  I complained that I didn't even have a tablet yet.  Hubs got me a Galaxy Tab for my birthday (insert foot in my mouth).  We've all been playing on it and it's quickly become the "family tab."  I think I'm going to need to get another one.  I can't put the Shades of Grey trilogy on the family tab!  Thanks for all the advice on this one.  I honestly think we'll use the family tab for a while and then in a few months if the novelty hasn't worn off we'll let Gomer "buy" this one from us and get me a new one of my own.

Top Comments of the Week (and my response):

This is awesome. What a great at work time waster. Thank you for posting! on Top 5 Ridiculously Unbelievable Babies

*sigh* Thank you for pointing out the fact that my kid's a slacker (wonder where he got that from lol.) The only impressive video I have of my kids is my son dipping his forehead in a mud puddle, standing up quick and leaning his head back, then licking the mud as it drips down his face. Oh, he can also smear his mouth with liquid soap and blow huge bubbles while making the sound "Mwaaaaaaaaa." I haven't put those up on Youtube because I don't want to make all the other OAB's and their OAM's jealous ;) on Top 5 Ridiculously Unbelievable Babies

Happy Birthday Jen! Today is my birthday as well even if the hubs and offspring forgot to tell me. The youngest daughter is excused bc she isn't 2 yet but the oldest her bday is tomorrow so surely she should have remembered. It is okay I guess since 7 years ago she highjacked by birthday I don't get any older since no one remembers. My Dad at least remembered even put it up on facebook for me. So I will be making the hubs feel extremely guilty and he will be taking me to Hunger Games now for sure! on Is 40 Going to Blow or Rock? 

My birthday falls right between my parents' birthdays.  Dad is the 19th, I'm the 22nd and Mom is the 24th.  It used to always be during Spring Break.  Once we were on SB with another family and THEY remembered my birthday before my parents did.  That year I got all sorts of crap from the hotel gift shop as my "gifts."  I've never let them forget.  You've got to milk this for as long as you can.
Happy happy birthday hot stuff!! on Is 40 Going to Blow or Rock? 

Anyone who calls me "hot stuff" makes the best comments list.

Forty can totally rock...as long as there is time for a nap every now and then and plenty of ibuprofen for those aches you mentioned. I celebrated 40 last April in Vegas, while carrying around a 6 month pregnant belly and...wait for it...a mouth full of braces. Not quite how I pictured it, but pretty amazing none the less. Happy Birthday! on Is 40 Going to Blow or Rock?

I love the relief in your voice as you proudly proclaim your son's hair is not attractive to lice. Awesome. And I'm proud of myself for NOT scratching during that whole post! I did some mind-over-matter ninja tricks and still feel fine! on Lice

my husband taught at a grade school that couldn't afford a nurse, so hubba had to check all of his students for lice. HORRIFIC. on Lice

Top 5 Ridiculously Unbelievable Babies

The Hubs has been surfing Youtube.  Here is what he found.

I have been seeing lots of videos of babies/kids doing the most amazing or as Jen would say "overachieving" things.  Here are the top 5 in my opinion.  I hope my kids will do some amazing things one day, but they have not done ANYTHING like these kids yet - so who knows?

1. Baby Felicity.  She can not only read at 1 year old, but she can read in both English and Chinese.  If anyone knows anything about Chinese (which I do, of course), it is a very difficult language to read.  Each character has to be memorized and the language has about 80,000 individual characters to memorize.  Felicity seems like a very sweet girl and her parents are obviously working hard with her to start reading at such a young age.  I guess that spot at Harvard will be taken.  Gomer and Adolpha will have to go elsewhere.

2. Baby Makena. She can sing Adele.  Yes, she can sing Adele.  She is cute, has great style, can carry a tune and sings with real emotion!  I wish I could sing as well as this kid.  Hey Makena, when that cute 3 year old breaks your heart, don't worry, just sing about it and make millions.  You don't need a man!

3. Baby Shakira. I think this one is my favorite!  I don't know the baby's real name, but she can shake it like Shakira.  I know my hips can never move like that.  I love the head wear she is sporting.  And I love the fact that the other kid in the video in the background couldn't be bothered to even look up.  She is obviously bored by the whole thing.  Don't be a hater little girl!

4. Baby Myra.  This 20 month old baby is not afraid of heights or water.  She is jumping off the diving board and loving every minute.  Baby Myra is amazing because I still won't jump off the diving board into 13 feet of water.  The thing I really love about the video is that we get to meet BUG and BUNNY.  

5. Giuliano Stroe.  Ok, to be fair, this kid is NOT a baby, but he can do something that I am pretty sure no one else reading this can do.  A sideways pull up or push up.  I can't even hold myself up sideways, let alone do 30 pull ups.  Giuliano holds many world records as the strongest kid.  No doubt.  If you watch all his videos, you will see that his dad works with him all the time and he loves it. Now if they only made a Xbox Kinnect game that can simulate the sideways push up, I bet I can get Gomer and Adlopha to crank out a few.  

Is 40 Going to Blow or Rock?

Today I'm 40.  Or Thirty-Ten.  Or 39+1.  Or whatever it is we say now to hold off saying Four Oh.

I'm not a vain person, but I'm not gonna lie, 40 is a tough one for me to swallow.  I think I look “OK” for 40.  I'm not too wrinkled and hair dye keeps my grays under control.  I'm definitely saggier than I once was and I have aches and pains that don't go away as easily as they used to.  I'm never going to get carded again unless it's a really dark bar, but all in all, I think I've held up pretty well.

No, for me it's not a vanity thing, it's a “What have I accomplished?” thing.

Looking back at my 20-something self I had plans.  I can't say that I haven't accomplished the goals I set for myself.  Because I always set the bar pretty low, I typically accomplish my goals.  I just don't tend to knock them out of park.  (Shocker.)

Let's see:

1. Graduate from college.  I did that.  OK, barely.  I am a complete and total loss when it comes to Math. I have been my entire life.  If there is a dyslexia for Math I'm certain that I have it.  I see numbers and my entire brain shuts down.  It might as well be Latin - actually Latin might be easier. In college I was an English major and I needed one semester of Math to graduate.  I tried my Freshman year and I failed the class. 
   
   
   I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me and he rocks Math.  When we were kids on roadtrips, he and my dad would play a game called: “What's the square root of the license plate in front of us?”  My mom and I would play “I Spy" - I was 15 at the time. 
   
   
   I knew that if I took an extra semester at the end of my 4 years, my brother would be at school with me and he could tutor me and help me pass.  Between my brother helping me and my amazing professor letting me do just about everything he could for extra credit I passed Math.  (Get your minds out of the gutter, people.  When I say "extra credit" I truly mean it.  He even let me write a research paper about Euclid or someone.)  When I walked across the stage at graduation my Math professor actually came on stage and hugged me.
   
   
2. Live in New York City.  I did that too.  I moved to New York City when I was 25.  I had been fired from my job and I was looking for someplace to “reinvent” myself. I'd “met” the Hubs and he lived in NYC so I thought I'd at least have a sucker to take me to TGIFriday's occasionally.  
   
   
   Getting fired from a job was never on my list of accomplishments, but I guess I'm OK with it since it led me to NYC and the Hubs.  Let this be a lesson to you, young people:  getting fired is not the end of the world.  Just pull yourself up and keep moving forward.
   
   
3. Work for a magazine.  I did that when I lived in NYC.  I was actually just a temp though. It was a little bit like The Devil Wears Prada only I worked in the dungeons instead of the executive offices, but I was surrounded by those tall, willowy girls in clacker shoes.  The magazine offered me a job in the dungeons (there was no way I was fit for prime time since I wore sensible shoes and didn't know the difference between a Birkin and a Balenciaga).  They were willing to hire me, because I had a good “Midwest work ethic,” but I was horrified by what they were willing to pay me.  I could not have paid my rent working there, let alone buy the new Louis Vuitton bag I was expected to carry.  Instead I got a job at a private equity bank where dark suits and Coach bags ruled.  Cha-ching and much more my style!
   
   
4. Have a kick ass apartment in New York City.  This one I'm going to have to stretch my definition of "kick ass" a bit.  At the time this meant any cute, girl next door kind of apartment you see in chick flick movies.  The heroine is usually a quirky florist or a plucky bookseller and she lives in an awesome, small, but well planned out space with a private garden out back or a roof top deck.  Think:  "Where would Meg Ryan's character live if she was making a movie about a Midwestern girl full of moxie who moves to Manhattan, gets the job, gets the guy and never compromises herself or her beliefs?"  Yeah, that's where I thought I'd live (and I thought that by living there I'd magically look like Meg Ryan).  I quickly found out that while these apartments do exist, a bookseller or a florist could never afford them. Instead I became part of the “bridge and tunnel” crowd.  Think:  "Where do Snooki's parents live?" 
   
   
   I lived in Queens (at least I was close to the Hubs) and I commuted into Manhattan every day from my spacious yet dingy, un-air conditioned, and loud (I lived one block from an extremely active firehouse) apartment with a bathroom that had not been remodeled since...ever.  It was still the original pre-War bathroom with one outlet.  In the light socket.  Above the sink.  I took my life in my hands every time I blow dried my hair.  
   
   
   Don't be confused, there were some serious kick ass qualities: it really was spacious with 4 closets (!!), eat in kitchen, elevator in the building, and one block from the express subway to Manhattan.

5. Get married.  Done!  Lots of young women have extensive lists of what they're looking for in a mate.  Things like: Must have a good job, Can't live in his parent's basement, Must be a good dancer and so on.  Good thing for me I didn't have such a list or else I might not have ended up with the Hubs.  When I met him he was temping, he lived in his parent's basement and he can't dance for shit.
   
   
   Really, there were only two things on my list.  Funny was the top of my list.  If he couldn't make a joke or take a joke then he was out.  I also wanted a husband who would love me for me. I'm a little tough to love and you'd be surprised how many guys don't get my sense of humor (that was sarcasm for the slower readers), so it took me a couple more years than the average girl to find a guy.
   
   
   When I met the Hubs we were both trying to figure out what to do with our lives and lucky for us we supported one another and motivated one another and helped each get our shit together and we still do that.
   
   
6. Have kids.  At one point in my young life I thought it would be great to have a gaggle of kids.  I didn't start having babies until I was in my thirties and I quickly realized “two” could be considered a small gaggle.  It would have to do.  I didn't have the stamina for more than two or enough room on my credit card.  I enjoy my sleep way too much and I have a shopping addiction when it comes to expensive tiny clothes.  We got our boy and our girl and we called it good.

7. Have a job I love.  I've had a few jobs in my lifetime.  Some of them outright sucked.  Like when I was a professional Proofreader – betcha didn't even know this job existed – and my job was to correct contracts with a red pen.  Only Proofreaders could have the coveted red pens and you had to bring ID to the supply room to show you were a Proofreader and then they'd let you “check” ONE out.  That's right.  You didn't "own" that pen.  It was not allowed to leave the building.  When your pen ran out and you needed another, you had to bring the empty with you. 
   
   
   Once my red pen was stolen by someone who made twice (actually, now that I think about it, I bet he made 3x) as much money as me.  Because he didn't have the proper papers to show he was red pen worthy, the Gestapo in the supply room wouldn't give him a red pen, so he stole mine.  It was hell to get another one and I never let it out of my sight again.  Damn the rules!  I took that pen home with me every night just to protect it from thieves.  
   
   
   After a few years of stimulating jobs like this or being someone's bitch, I left the corporate world behind to work for myself.  I love my job now. Selling houses is a great job (no matter what the market is doing) and I'm so happy to go to work every day.  Plus, just out of spite, I keep boxes of red pens in my desk to use willy-nilly. 

8. Travel the world.  Before I was married I did a lot of traveling, but not the “whole world," of course.  I've been able to mark a few great cities off my list, but there are still more.  I keep telling myself that once the kids are grown the Hubs and I will work harder at this goal.  I just hope we don't wait so long that we're too old and we're touring Greece in matching Rascals!

9. Be a writer.  When I came up with this one in my twenties it mostly meant “get published” somewhere.  Anywhere.  I wanted to see a byline with my name on it and know that at least one another person besides my mother read it.  I really thought it would be fiction, though.  Who knew that I'd write so much non-fiction?  It only took 39 years, but I finally found an audience who likes to read what I have to write.  Phew!  This was one was close!  Thanks for reading so I didn't have to stick my head in an oven this year!

10. Write AND publish a book. I've modified this one. It used to be “write a book.” Now that I know I have the desire and the ambition to actually write (and finish a book), I've realized the hard part is getting it published. That will be my goal for my Thirty-Tens.

OK, after reading this list, I've decided I haven't done that bad.  I have a few more things left I want to accomplish, but hopefully I'm only at the mid-point of my life so I've still got plenty of time.  I just hope the next 40 don't go by as fast as the last 40!


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Forty Rocks!  


PS - The Circleofmoms.com Top 25 Funniest Mom Blogs Contest is over!  Thank you so much for voting for me.  I made the list along with some hysterical other blogs. What a nice birthday present!  Please check out all of them if you get some free time.


Photos: bedifferentactnormal.com 

Lice

Got lice?  Did you start itching as soon as you read that word?  I know I did.  (Excuse me, while I scratch.)

Ever since we started school it seems like once a month we get an email home saying that a student has lice and everyone needs to take extra precautions to prevent it from spreading.  Ugh.  We've been lucky enough to dodge the lice bullet, but it seems like with each outbreak it gets closer to us and I know our days are numbered.  (Scratch.  Scratch.)

Adolpha is still in preschool where they play with dress up clothes and stuffed animals - AKA "Lice City."  Last year the school had to bag up all the dress up clothes and animals because their outbreak was quickly becoming an epidemic.  Adolpha was so sad, but all the moms breathed a collective sigh of relief.  No one wanted to be a nitpicker.   Adolpha knows now that if I put her hair in braids we've received the dreaded notice of a lice case.  "Oh, it's a lice day, Mommy?" she'll ask. 

Recently, we got the email that someone in Gomer's class had lice.  Great.  I can't braid his hair.

The email instructed us to remind our child not share combs or hats with anyone in his class.  (What first grader brings a comb to school and offers it to his friend??  And yet I still made a mental note to warn him.  This is how crazy I can get.  Scratch.  Scratch.  I come by it naturally though.  Yesterday my mother arrived at my house with rubber gloves and asked me to check her hair, because she felt "unusually itchy."  She sat in my driveway - she can't come in my house until I know she's lice-free - while I pawed through her hair and waved to my neighbors on their way to work.  Yeah, we're classy like that over here.)

"Gomer, don't share any hats or combs with anyone at school, OK?"

Gomer replied, "Is it because Maribelle has lice?"

"You know who has lice?" I asked.  The emails never name names.

"Sure.  Everyone knows it's Maribelle."

"How does everyone know?"  I asked thinking there must be some breach of confidentiality somewhere in the staff at the school.  Heads were gonna roll!

"She told us," he said.

"Oh.  Well, I guess that's OK."  So much for breach of confidentiality.

"Yeah and now Iris has it too."

"What?  Two girls in your class?  Just out of curiosity...where do Maribelle and Iris sit?"  I asked.

"On either side of me."

Ack!!!!

I got online and did some quick research and found out that lice are attracted to the cleanest heads of hair.  Oh thank goodness!  Gomer has some of the dirtiest and sweatiest hair I've ever seen on a child.  I think we're going to be just fine.  (Scratch.  Scratch.)

Thanks to everyone who voted for me in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mom Contest. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to vote for me and all the other funny bloggers on the list.  

Photo: David Castillo Dominici 

Gomer Wants a Kindle Fire

So, Gomer wants a Kindle Fire.  Would you ever buy your 7 year old a tablet?  Actually, it wouldn't be me buying it.  Let me start from the beginning.  

Gomer's been saving every nickel and dime he can come across because he wanted to buy himself the Lego Death Star.   Yeah, it's a $400 Lego set with about a billion pieces to lose.  He's still a hundred bucks short and now that money is burning a hole in his pocket and he's realizing that he loses Legos and they're a waste of his money (amazing how he realizes this when he's the one putting up the cash).

A few weeks ago he decided he didn't want the Lego Death Star anymore.  He came to us with his newest idea.  He would like to spend his money on a Kindle Fire.  He actually made a fairly convincing argument.  He loves to read, he wouldn't be "wasting" his money on more Legos when he already has buckets of them and he would only play games or watch videos when we said it was OK.  Hmmm.....

The Hubs and I started thinking and we came up with our pros and cons list.

TOP 5 REASONS TO LET GOMER BUY A KINDLE FIRE:

1.  Makes it easy for him to read anywhere.

2.  Isn't more Legos to step on.

3. Will keep him entertained, so less fighting with his sister.  (Oh crap, his sister.  She's going to want one too - better add that to the cons.)

4.  Teaches him the value of his money when he has to purchase games/movies himself.

5.  Teaches him responsibility.  This is an expensive piece of equipment and he needs to take good care of it.

TOP 5 REASONS TO NOT LET GOMER BUY A KINDLE FIRE:

1.  We lose control over what he's doing when he's using it.

2.  Could be a "fad" item that he grows tired of and ends up being an expensive drink coaster.  (We could give it to Adolpha at that point, I guess.)

3.  Easily lost and/or broken.

4.  Quickly becomes obsolete and then he wants the new/bigger/faster/better/etc. one.

5.  I don't even have a tablet of any kind.  I will be jealous of my 7 year old's technology!

Many of the kids in his school have an iTouch and iPods (which we don't).  Is this just a more "educational" iTouch?

What do you think?  Would you let your 7 year old kid buy a Kindle Fire?

The Big Kids at Playland

The other night it was Chick Fil A night for Gomer's school and like a good little robot he came home and announced that if we didn't go he'd the be the "only" kid in his class who didn't support his school.  I don't know how the school brainwashes them like that, but I'd wish they'd teach me!

The Hubs had a meeting so I decided it would be a win-win for me.  I wouldn't have to cook or clean up alone - so off we went to Chick Fil A.

We arrived to find the place pretty empty.  Gomer was crushed that none of his friends were there, but when I offered to take him home and cook dinner he quickly decided french fries would dull the pain.

As we finished our dinner people started trickling in.  None of the kids were Gomer's age though.  Everyone was quite a bit older.  Closer to 10 or 11.  By now Gomer and Adolpha were finished eating and begged for some time in the petri dish that is the playland.  I really wanted to say "No," but I'm not that mean, so I looked at my watch and decided they had "10 minutes to play."  (I always say 10 minutes because neither Gomer nor Adolpha wear a watch and when they play they lose all sense of time so my 10 minutes could really be 5 if I'm in a rush or 15 if I find a friend to chat with.)

After about 2 minutes Gomer came back out and said it was getting "too wild" in the play area.  Chick Fil A doesn't really have any place for adults to sit inside their playland.  The kids are behind glass and I could look in there and see what was going on.  Gomer was right.  There were 5 or 6 or 30 (it was impossible to tell, because they were moving so fast they were blurs of color) older boys whooping and hollering and running at top speed through the tiny playscape.  One boy was sitting on top of the tube slide and dangling his bare feet down so kids had to push through his feet to get out (I don't know why, but bare feet always seem dirtier to me than sock covered feet).  Another boy was literally climbing the outside of the structure and swinging from a sign that specifically said: DO NOT CLIMB.  And I can't forget to mention the boy I watched jump over a toddler.  Yeah, he jumped over her!  She thought it was funny, but her dad didn't.  He grabbed her and her squeaker shoes and they were gone in a flash.

I looked around to see if I could tell who the wilding boys belonged to, but it was impossible to tell since no one seemed to be taking any interest in the kids in playroom except the family next to us whose son is a friend of Gomer's (one friend had finally shown up).

I was torn.  On one hand, Gomer is my softer kid and he really needs to learn to stand up for himself.  However, these boys were several years older than him and would probably laugh in his face if he stood up to them.

"Where's Adolpha?" I asked.  She's my tougher kid and she usually can tell off kids who are bothering her brother.

"I'll get her," Gomer replied.  He returned a few minutes later with Adolpha.

"I hear it's wild in there," I said to her.

"Yup," she said.

"Those big boys are causing a lot of trouble, huh?"

"Yup."

"Hmm....what should we do?" I asked.

"Easy-peasy.  Tell them to get out.  They're too big, mom.  They can't even fit in the car up there!" She pointed to the taxi cab thing jutting off the structure where a boy had folded himself like a pretzel to get into.  I was a little happy to see he was stuck and starting to panic.

Adolpha was right.  These boys were way too big to be in there.  Then I got to thinking.  Is Gomer too big?  Should Gomer not be allowed to play in these things anymore either?  At what age is too big?

Is it an age thing or is it a behavior thing?  Gomer is an average sized 7 year old, but he's fairly slow moving and he doesn't have the agility or the guts to jump over a toddler.  I don't even think at 10 he would be able to do that.

At what age do you tell your kids they are too old to play in the playland at Chick Fil A, McDonald's, etc.?

Weekly Wrap Up 3.16.12

This was my first week back from our Florida vacation. I would normally say that at this point I'm buried under laundry, but since my FABULOUS mother did all our laundry for me I can't even complain about that! (Thank you, Mom!!)

The kids had this week off from school so we did a little "staycation." Ha! I don't know who came up with that word or what it means exactly, but in my house it means lots of TV and a trashed house. At least the weather has been gorgeous so the kids can go outside and get dirty. It's been so warm here I actually caved tonight and turned on the AC. Our house was 80 degrees and we have too many allergies to be open window people.

I've got a few more days of staycation so I better get this wrap up done asap so we can we go to our watergun battle!

Top Read Posts:

The Happiest Place on Earth - I took the kids to Disney last week. You couldn't pay me enough to be a castmember at Disney. I think I would rather dig ditches in Texas in the summer before I'd say, "Have a magical day!"

The Parents Who Left Their Kids Behind at Chuck E. Cheese - Yup. Two families in two weeks left their kids at Chuck E. Cheese. I do not need to worry about getting Worst Parent of the Year Award this year, it seems there will be a tie.

Me - At the Beach - We hit the beach in Florida. I'm not a fan of sand, but my kids enjoyed it. The things I do for my kids!

The Hubs & the United Airlines Guy - The Hubs had "words" with the United Airlines guy about our booster seats. He was pretty kick ass. A lot of people forwarded the post to United Airlines, I'm waiting for their phone call which I'm sure will come shortly.

Seriously, Hubs? - The one time in my life I had to pack for the Hubs for a trip and instead of thanking me we had a fight.

Favorite Comments (and My Responses):

Have you watched the show Dance Moms? I would love to hear your comments on that one... on Contact Me

I have heard a lot about this show. I need to set my DVR so I can see what the hoopla is all about.

For the dentist I have two words Jenkins and LeBlanc. My daugther loves this place after having creepy pediatric dentist. BTW love the blog you keep me laughing all day long! on People Who Work With Children, But Don't Like Them

That's who I'm talking about...

I used to want to be a teacher. Then I realized I did not enjoy children in groups of more than 2... and sometimes that's too many. on People Who Work With Children, But Don't Like Them

I also wanted to be a teacher. The kids were OK, I realized it was the parents I had no desire to deal with.

Maybe they were HOPING someone would take the child off their hands. You know...the child is impossible to potty train, diapers are expensive, kid's an excessive whiner, the list could go on and on. Hell, with 10 kids, just feeding them all would be crazy expensive. At least at CEC, there'd be plenty of food and entertainment for the abandoned child. on The Parents Who Left Their Kids Behind at Chuck E. Cheese

Holy Friggin' Crap! Just found your blog & woke my snoring "hubs" from the recliner, cracking up w/ tears soaking my face. LOVE THIS! on Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies

Who knew anyone was still reading the Elf these days? Welcome!

This is why there should be standardized testing to bring kids home from the hospital. on The Parents Who Left Their Kids Behind at Chuck E. Cheese

Maybe if her parents had given her an elaborate (cough Marie Antoinette cough) themed bday party they would have realized she was missing...maybe... ;) on The Parents Who Left Their Kids Behind at Chuck E. Cheese

I can say many things about the OAMs, but my guess is none of them have ever left the birthday child at a Chuck E. Cheese.

Best rebuttal ever. You are Dean of Students in the School of Blogging. Professor Punch. I continue to learn from you daily. Love and Gratitude. PS - You deserve to be #1...enjoy it. on Weekly Wrap Up 3.12.12

Hmm...now I can't decide which I like better:  The Jeneral or Professor Punch.

I just read through the comments on Frenchie's Pity Party Post (hey--there's one party that costs nothing). One could literally write a sonnet dedicated to Frenchie, using all the fluffy words of encouragement and hand holding that's going on over there. In fact:

Frenchie

"Someone has used you, your motherhood,
your beauty, your creativity,
your Angles first birthday party...."
"The world can be an ugly place...."
"Keep on living and sharing your gift."

Wait, that's not a sonnet. Oh well. Just out me as an underachiever. on Weekly Wrap Up 3.12.12

Okay..I have to admit I was about to quit reading you because honestly I was tired of all the negative crap. And I do have a little problem that you pretty much blog anonymously but I get it..it gives you a little more freedom to say what you want without someone trying to burn down your house (see Marie Antoinette trailer trash over the top birthday party giver)
And you hate the beach..BUT when you said you were a "bullshit caller" whoa..gotta keep reading because that is what you do and calling out the bs'rs can be negative. You do make me laugh but I guarantee that every once in awhile even though we already know this we can take a few words about how awesome your kids are and some more positive stuff..balances out everything else..giving you tons of credit for being real and honest. So rare these days. I am here for the duration! on Weekly Wrap Up 3.12.12

I appreciate your honesty and I'm glad you decided to stick around.  I am such a narcissist that I'd love to plaster my name all over this blog and go on "Today" and tell everyone who I am.  Unfortunately, I can really rile people up and they can get a bit cr-A-zy about my opinions so I prefer to stay as anonymous as I can so that my kids are protected.  It's also good to know that you wouldn't mind a little nice stuff here and there.  To be honest, sometimes I have pretty terrific days and it's tough not to share them with you all.

I agree. It's sad to read some poor writing from a sweat pant woman who tries way too hard to be funny but at the same time goes out of her way to "whore herself out" for a stupid minivan... Get ourself real dreams and ideals! I'm outta here too. on I'm This Much Closer to a MinivanSee ya and don't let my automatic slidey doors hit you on your way out.   I always love to see where people will draw the line with me.  Sometimes it's over politics and sometimes it's the hate of Mobile Command Centers.


You've wanted to punch me when I was the blonde cheerleader in high school, when I was top in the class in college (and your boyfriend left you for me). And now that Im the Over Achieving Mom its the same feeling. Im used to this treatment and reaction, its nothing new to me and guess what? You'll never be me....and thats why you want to punch me in the throat. 



And this is why I love, love, love my readers.  I didn't need to even respond to this one, because Meredith was all over it.  Here is Meredith's kick ass response:


"OR...she wants to punch you because you're annoying and high on yourself. It's one thing to be confident, it's quite another to awaken every day believing you're so awesome that everyone aspires to be you. That's called delusional. And, did I mention it's also annoying?"


I will add, are you 23?  Why are all of your examples from 20 years ago?  Have you not accomplished anything worth bragging about since then?  


PS. Would you mind voting for me again?  Please and Thank you.  Only three more days!