Weekly Wrap Up 8.25.12

Our first full week of school done.  The silence around my house is deafening, but you'll never catch me complaining.  It's heavenly.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Rep. Todd Akin - This guy is a legitimate freak show.  Last I heard this guy is sticking to his guns and staying in the race.  I actually kind of admire that.  After all, his party leaders say the same shit he says, they just use better words so they don't look like such BIG dicks.  I still hope he loses, but I'm glad he stood up to his party when they tried to throw him under the bus.

I receive a bit of grief about being political and calling Kansas and Missouri the "armpit" of America.  Look, I've always been a supporter of women's rights and I don't care if this guy is a politician or not.  If you go on TV and say this shit, I'm going to call you out.  This blog is about me and what makes me tick and what ticks me off.  Some days it will be political, but not every day, so just roll with it. 

As for calling Kansas and Missouri the "armpit," at least I didn't call them the "hairy asshole" of America.  Armpit implies that there is room for improvement.  Until we start electing officials who actually care to improve this place we will continue to be the armpit.  I'm not talking about building more strip malls and movieplexes.  I want leaders who actually care about the inhabitants (currently residing outside of the womb) of these states and make improvements to better our lives and our futures.  

Some Mini Punches to the ThroatWhat "Hell" does a Prince, a crazy Judge from Texas, skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee and a face-kini have to do with each other?  Not a damn thing, but they all made the list.

PIWTPITT's Top 10 Reasons People are Compelled to Read Top 10 Lists - I think there is always room for lists, I just hate that everything must be a slideshow/list these days.  It annoys the ever loving hell out of me.  

Open Letter to Sadist Teachers - It was back to school night last night and I didn't get in trouble for my purple glue sticks.  Seems like I've got two great teachers who aren't sadists.  A few other teachers figured out I am Punchy and called me out.  Let's hope they don't hold this blog against my children.  

Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies - It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!  Actually, it really is looking like Christmas over at my mom's house.  I'm working on a top secret Christmas surprise and I need my mother's house to be done up in her normal, over the top, amazeballs, (bat shit crazy) Christmas decor so I convinced her to put up all her decorations this week.  I have been helping her and let's just say so far we've put in 28 man hours and we're close to half way done.  

Message Boards Update:

Rebecca is the latest reader to tell us about herself.  I love this thread, because I feel like I get a glimpse of who is out there.  You guys know so much about me from my girl crush on Tina, my aversion to hair removal and my desire to drive a minivan and now I get to know a bit about you too!  Are you a little shy to share?  No problem, start your own topic.  Did you know that when you comment on the message boards a link to your newest blog post shows up?  That is a great way to find new readers for your blog and new blogs for you to read, so join the message boards today.  It's easy and fun. 

Read Me Ad-FREE on Your Kindle:

Love PIWTPITT, but hate the ads?  Subscribe on your Kindle and enjoy all the punches without any distraction.  While you're there, why don't you leave a review for the blog.  Did you see the Amazon product review I posted on the Facebook page Friday?  Something like that would make my year.  

Some Mini Punches to the Throat

Some minis for this week:

1.  The high school principal who won't release the valedictorian's diploma because she said "How the hell do I know?" in her graduation speech.  The principal won't release her diploma until she writes an apology. She refuses.  This is such a stupid story.  She's a straight A student who felt like saying "hell."  She could have said, "How the fuck do I know?" but she didn't.  The principal sounds like a gem.  He's obviously a control freak and feels like his authority is being tested so he's going to stand his ground and act like a big man.  Instead he looks like he has a Napoleon complex.  Let it go, man.  Just give the girl her diploma.  It's August and you've got a whole new batch of seniors coming up to terrorize with your bullshit.

Rep. Todd Akin

I live in the fucking armpit of America where I am surrounded by people who continually vote ignoramuses into political office.

Have you heard about Congressman Todd Akin from Missouri yet?  My neighbors across the border in Missouri have a congressman who sits on the House Committee of Science, Space and Technology who thinks that if a woman suffers a "legitimate rape, the female body has ways to...shut that whole thing down."  

Yes, Missouri has elected the village idiot to Congress and now he's running for Senate.

Rep. Todd Akin - Science Enthusiast
If it wasn't so scary I'd laugh.  The man sits on the House Committee of SCIENCE, Space and Technology and he thinks that I just need to tell those rapey sperm to get away from my eggs.  Is that what science has taught him???  He also probably learned in his "science" class that there were dinosaurs on Noah's Ark.

And don't even get me started on what qualifies as a "legitimate" rape.  I didn't realize there was a legitimate rape.  "You were asking for it, slut.  That's why your body didn't shut that whole thing down.  Nope, wasn't a legitimate rape - abortion denied."  

Why is this guy even on the ballot?  This asshat thinks the female wonderland knows when it has been raped and will shut down the tubes and prevent unwanted pregnancies.  This guy might win the dumb ass award for the year.  With all the other idiots in office, that is some feat. 

Who votes for people like Akin?  Who looks at his voting record  (a mix of cuts to education, parks and embryonic stem cell research along with a healthy dose of support for concealed weapons) and thinks, "Yup, this is the guy for me!"

I'm sure there are some smart, educated people who vote for Akin, but it makes me feel better to imagine his supporters as toothless mouth breathers who say things like, "I hate smart kids, education is for the weak.  I quit school in 6th grade and I turned out just fine!  Parks suck.  Only perverts and gays hang out in parks.  I don't want my tax dollars supporting that kind of sin.  Embry...what???  What the hell science fiction is that?  You can pry my 9 mm from my cold, dead hand, my 2000 44 Special Bulldog from my front right pants pocket and my Star PD 45 ACP from my shoulder holster - all lethal, legal and necessary for one's safety."

I take it back.  I can't imagine there are any smart, educated people who are voting for this guy and his ilk.  There can't be.  How could they?  What has happened to our country?  How do these guys keep getting elected?

America should be ashamed of itself.  The voters in America continue to put whiners, freaksbuffoons, bigots, and all around assholes into office.

Akin has since said that he misspoke.  Of course he misspoke, but the thing is, I don't believe him.  I think that when he went to that interview and he said a "legitimate rape" can be countered by a woman's body he really meant it.  He believed in that "science."  Ha.  My second grader knows more about the biology of a woman's reproductive system than Akin does.

No, if he "misspoke" he would have instantly realized the nonsense that had vomited from his mouth and he would have quickly corrected himself right then, "Whoops!  Wait, what did I say?  Of course I didn't mean that.  That's not physically possible.  HOWEVER, what I meant to say was I think abortion is wrong in any instance.  If a woman is raped and she becomes pregnant as a result, I'm sorry to hear that.  But her right to choose an abortion should be denied because the rights of the unborn child are greater.  True, I haven't voted to support education for this child or parks for this child to play in.  True, I've made it easier to conceal weapons in the state this child will be raised in and this could result in the child one day being accidentally shot.  But none of that matters.  What matters is that this woman got herself in a pickle and now she's going to have to raise that pickle."

I don't care if you are pro-life or pro-choice.  That is not the issue here.  The issue is that we have a dolt in office and he is running for the Senate.  I don't care if you are Republican or Democrat, you should go out and vote.  Just don't vote for twits that think "legitimate rape" actually exists.

If you don't agree with my politics and you want to say so, fine.  Just make sure you say it respectfully. 

BE RESPECTFUL TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION.  YOUR FIGHT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER.  It may seem hypocritical for me to rant and rave and then say you can't rant and rave.  I'm saying this, because I wrote this piece and I'm prepared to take criticism, but the people who comment here are not in a position to be attacked, they're just commenting and they didn't ask for a fight.  If you want to fight, go start your own blog.


Weekly Wrap Up 8.19.12

This was our first week back to school and I spent entirely too much time searching for just the right glue sticks (no purple ones) and sitting around in my underwear watching television.  It was blissful!

Top Read Posts of the Week:

The Hubs' Ego - The Hubs thinks he can do anything.  Really.  Anything.  After I wrote this I realized I left so many things off the list:  winner of Top Chef, Olympic gold medalist (badminton or table tennis -your pick), CEO of any company - you name it, he can do it, and more.  This one might need a second installment down the road just to cover his newest ideas.  I also need to include so many reader's husbands.  Who knew we were all living with such amazing men?  They should get together for a weekend and solve all the world's problems.

This one was featured in the Huffington Post Comedy Section this week.

Yes Day - I Really Did It - I predicted our Yes Day would be expensive and full of junk food.  I am psychic.

This one made it into Huffington Posts' Best of the Mom and Dad Blogs This Week.

Back to School - Ahhh...do you hear that?  It's the sound of silence.

Open Letter to Sadist Teachers - This one is still hanging on.  It was so funny.  I wish I'd written it.

Over Achieving Elf on the Shelf - I'm beginning to see a trend here - 5 weeks in a row on the list.  I have a feeling the Elf might be settling in early for Christmas.

Message Boards Update:

What are you reading?  If you're anything like me, you're always looking for a new good book to read.  Here is a great place to find a new book and recommend one.  If you don't like to read, there are lots of other good topics on the board too or you can start your own.  Did you know that when you comment on the message boards a link to your newest blog post shows up?  That is a great way to find new readers for your blog and new blogs for you to read, so join the message boards today.  It's easy and fun.

New Posts at Babble.com:

I've actually quit writing for Babble.com.  I resigned last week so I can focus on other projects.

Best Selling Product in the PIWTPITT Store:


Ideal for everyone's crap.  This tote was inspired by this post.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies if Necessary):

The Toilet Princesses is priceless. I almost want to steal it for something. When my daughter finished her first day of kindergarten we walked through the school yard to the car and she looked up at me and asked, "So tomorrow do I do first grade?" That's how much I prepared my kid. Hope you had fun watching bad TV! Sometimes that's all we need. on Back to School

Careful, Jen! Now that you and the hubs have all that extra alone time, you just might wind up with a new little one to chase after! Hehehehe. on Back to School

Bite your tongue!!!  The Hubs get so little play as it is, the threat of a baby is enough to turn us both off for a long time.

You guys are both adorable! Your blog is better though. Hey, this might be my only chance to ask this question. Is it true what they say about Asian guys? on The Hubs' Ego

No, they're not all good at Math.  The Hubs sucks.

HaHa. My hubs thinks watching the Science Channel makes you a scientist. Um, no. One time someone told me he looks like Benjamin Bratt (who is far better looking than my husband-sorry hubs). His response was "I'm handsomer than that guy" on The Hubs' Ego

We men are a strange breed capable of anything when we have the support of a good woman. on The Hubs' Ego

Smart man.  Your wife must read this blog.

There's funny on your husband's blog. But the lack of writing makes it obvious why he considers it so easy. It's like comparing melons to peanuts. My husband's ego is pretty darn big, but living with me has deflated it a bit. I'm the superman in this household. on The Hubs' Ego

Omg this is my husband!!! "I would have been soo good at....." is a regular sentience in our house! I think he even said I interior decorator once. I finally just started calling him on it or started saying I would have made an awesome stripper and usually shuts him up on The Hubs' Ego

I need an interior decorator and that is the ONE area my Hubs is lacking in.  Can I borrow yours?

OMG..I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. The last Bourne movie we saw, he claimed he could do some of that stuff.This is the man who refuses to take karate with me for fear he'll pull something,lol.I looked at him and stated,"Well I think you could definitely do the car chase because you know how to fuck a car up." on The Hubs' Ego

Yes, I think they are all like this. My husband who is 75 lbs overweight told me he could beat my extremely fit and athletic guy friend in a 100m foot race. He thinks he could win any food challenge if I let him try and he told me when we were 21 that he could have a 6 pack if he wanted to. 12 years later all he did was gain 75 lbs. He also fancies himself better at everything I do. He has instructed me on how to breastfeed and despite my many years of study on dog training, he always offers up his advice on how he would do it. Thanks, but I'm good. on The Hubs' Ego

I would love to interview him for his tips on how to breast feed.  Is he available for a short conversation?  Between parenting advice from "Teen Mom" stars and breast feeding advice from him, I could probably write a best seller.  

Wrap Up 8.10.12

This wrap up is going to be quick and dirty like _______________ (insert all the filthy jokes you want).

I arrived home from BlogHer '12 exhausted and starved.  Apparently water is very expensive at the Hilton, because we were rarely offered any, but booze is cheap (I was given so many drink tickets that I came home with unused tickets - maybe they'll use the same color next year and I can sell them to the lushes).  We were also served heavy appetizers for dinner every night.  Lucky for me, I have fat stores to rely on, but I'm not sure how those skinny minnie girls survived it - I think some of my gluten-free friends actually died of starvation.

The best thing about BlogHer was meeting several of you readers.  It was always nice to hear, "You don't look as angry as I thought you would."  I keep saying it, but no one hears:  I'm not always angry.

The second best thing about BlogHer was that Quilted Northern was a sponsor.  Because of this, they changed out all the crappy, cheap hotel toilet paper in the bathrooms with QN.  Ahhh....  It was so nice to have quality TP even though I was severely dehydrated and rarely used the facilities.

Top Read Posts for the Last 2 Weeks:

Open Letter to Sadist Teachers - This was a repost from last summer.  I did not write this open letter, but I wish I had.  I thought it was hysterical.

Annoying Renters - I love most of my renters.  Luckily the one I hate moved out.

Both of these posts got a bit tense in the comments section.  Everyone, take a deep breath and laugh.  These are funny rants that are supposed to make you chuckle and say, "Oh shit, I do that too."  That's all.

The Unicorn and the Douchebag - I wrote about the guy who punched the unicorn cake at BlogHer and I heard from many people that I've got my story wrong.  Apparently it is "tradition" to destroy the cake.  Silly me.  When I see cake I think eat it, not destroy it.  If this is indeed tradition, I would not be the one to get in the way of it.  Punch away.

However, I think it's a stupid tradition.  I think drunk people attacking cakes is pretty ridiculous.  I also stand by my opinion that it's not funny at all for the people who have to clean that shit up.  It was 1:30 in the morning and the Hilton staff surely wanted to get out of there and suddenly they had a huge mess to clean up.

There was some debate in the comments of this post about whether men should be allowed at BlogHer. I could give a rat's ass about men at BlogHer.  I only met one guy.  He was very nice and when I asked him what he hoped to gain from the conference his answer made sense.  Men aren't the problem.

Maybe I'm the problem.

I can't stand people who are disrespectful and destructive.  These are grown adults at a conference that is supposed to be for enrichment and instead they're getting loaded and punching cakes.  It's just very odd to me and I don't find it hysterical.  

I do and say many things that LOTS and LOTS of people do not find funny (read all of my comments some day when you're bored and you'll find loads of people who do not find me hilarious) and I tell them to get a sense of humor.  So I will just say:   Let's agree to disagree.  The organizers and the tradition-keepers of this event find this act ah-may-zingly funny.  Fine.  I do not.  Whatever.  I just hope BlogHer left a big tip and I won't be attending Sparklecorn again.  My panties are now unbunched.

Ryan Lochte and His Mom - He's a slut and his mom said so.  I've heard that he's changing his story about what "one night stand" means.  I haven't bothered to look into it, because frankly, I'm not a journalist and nothing can change my opinion of him.

Overachieving Elf on the Shelf - Whoa.  It's August, right?

There were tons of comments this week and I read all of them.  They come through on my phone so I can keep up.  However, I just haven't had the time to dig through and find the gems this week.  I can tell you, there are many good ones (especially on the Lochte post) so check them out.

Annoying Renters

I'm a Realtor, as you probably know, and so of course I think real estate is a great investment.  UNTIL.  Until you end up the landlord to whiny renters.  Over the years the Hubs and I have acquired some rental properties plus the Hubs manages some local rental properties for friends and family who live out of state.

Most of our renters are nice, quiet people who pay their rent on time and take care of the property.  Most of them have lived in our properties for years.  We love those renters.  It's the occasional annoying, bitching ones that drive me bananas and that is who I am writing about today.  (Before you start arguing with me and each other read this:  If you are a good renter then don't take offense, this post is not about you.  Actually, even if you're a bad renter, don't take offense, because this post is really only about two people specifically and not even a TYPE of renter.)  

The Hubs is the one who deals with the renters when they have problems and it's probably a good thing, because I would most likely have a bunch of empty rentals.

Here's the deal, it's 7:30 PM right now and the temperature is 105 degrees.  It has been over 100 degrees for something like 15 days now.  We haven't had rain in about a month.  We are drying up and melting all at the same time.  Everyone's air conditioner everywhere is begging for death and my Facebook and Twitter feeds are filled with people lamenting that their air conditioner has passed over to the other side.

This week a renter called us up and told us that the air conditioner was not working properly and they were experiencing "dangerous" temperatures in the house.  We got our usual a/c guy over the take a look and he called to let us know that the unit was shot and we'd need to get a new one.  It would take a day.  We asked what the house temperature was since we'd been told it was "dangerous."  He told us it was 80 degrees and holding.  Not so bad when the outside temp is 104.  (We keep our everyday temperature at 78 in our house.  I guess I'm only 2 degrees from dangerous territory.)

The Hubs told the renter we'd have a new unit installed the next day.  The unit was installed two days ago and every day since the renter has called to complain that the house is "hot."  The first day he called we thought there was something wrong with the new unit so we sent the a/c guy back over to check.  He was met at the door by a cold blast of air coming from inside the house.  He told us the renter was trying to cool the house down to 72 degrees.

I wanted to say:  Are you fucking kidding me?  There is no way when it is that blazing hot outside that you can cool your house down to 72 degrees!  No wonder my first unit died, you fucking moron, you murdered it!!

Tonight when the guy called he indicated that he would like us pay for a bigger unit for the house so that they can live like sides of beef in a meat locker.  The Hubs was so kind and gracious.  He actually listened to him and sympathized with him and tried to find a solution for this guy.

When he got off the phone, I said, "Wow.  You are such a nice landlord.  I would have told him to suck a dick.  It's 105 degrees!  A typical air conditioner can only cool a house down by 20 degrees or so.  He should be thrilled his house is 80 degrees!"

Today another renter called to tell us her place was too hot too.  Cha-ching.  She is getting a new unit tomorrow.  She's another one who is trying to keep her house at 72 degrees.  What is the deal with these people?  I would need a sweater in 72 degrees!!

Her unit is a bit different and it needed to be special ordered so it took longer than a day.  She blew her cork.  She also showed her true colors when the repairman showed up and he was not as light-skinned as she would have preferred.  That's when I took a closer look at my contract with her and saw that nowhere does it say that the property is "air conditioned."  Maybe she'd prefer for me to send my repairman home and just lower the rent and call it "un-air conditioned?"

Yes, I get that I'm a landlord and I'm supposed to fix things when they go wrong and of course we work hard to get things fixed as quickly as possible, but when we're in the middle of a heat wave it's very difficult to get good people to come and fix the a/c.  There is a queue and sometimes we have relationships with repairmen that allow us to jump the line, but many times we have to wait our turn.  No amount of screaming and cussing me out is going to help.  In fact, it just makes me want to move slower.

I also wonder what these people would be doing if they actually owned these houses.  When you own a house and your air conditioner can't keep up with the blistering weather outside there is no one to call and whine to.  There is no one to listen to your complaints and offer to try and help you.  You're on your own.

The worst renter who has bitched incessantly about everything from the day she moved in is actually moving out.  She's bought a home and she's ready to take on home ownership.  I cannot wait until this winter when her furnace goes out on the coldest night of the year.  I cannot wait until her washing machine accidentally over flows and floods her house.  I just wish I could be there to see the chaos and watch her meltdown when the repairman tells her it will be a week before he can get to her.  (I'll also be curious to see how she explains to the dispatcher she'd only like certain skin tones to work on her broken appliances.)  I wonder what she'll do then.

Actually, I know what she'll do.  She'll call her Realtor and tell her that she sold her a lemon, because that's the type of bitch she is.

The Unicorn and the Douchebag

As you know, I'm at BlogHer this week where I'm hanging out with 5,000 fellow bloggers in NYC.  I've been having a great time catching up with many of the bloggers who I read.  BlogHer is kind of crazy.  During the day everyone is buttoned up and normal and business-like.  They pass out business cards and pimp their blogs and impress the sponsors with their abilities to hawk shit.  But when the lights go down, the freak comes out.

Last night was Sparklecorn.  THE party of BlogHer (or so I've read everywhere else).  Sparklecorn is where you see people dressed up like oversized fairies (seriously, with wings) or in cocktail dresses or in cargo pants (did you really think I'd wear a cocktail dress?).  They get loaded up and they dance like rockstars.

The centerpiece of Sparklecorn is an enormous cake in the shape of a unicorn.  When I was reading about what to expect at BlogHer, a common complaint I saw over and over again was regarding the excessive unicorn cake and how annoying it was that the organizers spent so much money on the cake and then didn't allow anyone to eat it.

Uni the Cake says "I'm delicious, but you'd never know it!"

Yup.  The cake sits there all night in a spotlight while everyone parties around it.  It did seem a bit odd.  It was especially odd because the food this weekend has absolutely sucked.  (Note to BlogHer:  appetizers are NOT dinner.)

While we partied around this flour-y unicorn, I noticed an enormous amount of men at the party.  I've heard there are several men here at the conference, but I hadn't come across too many yet.  The party was full of guys and it was weird.  It totally changed the vibe.

I arrived late and the party was in full swing.  Everyone around me was plastered and I got a lot of "I love you, mans."

I settled in for some funny people watching and I'm happy to say I was not disappointed.

I came across a reader, Jenny at Multiple Food Allergy Help and we hung out for a bit chatting about our blogs.  The party started winding down and we were ready to go when I noticed this large group of loud asshole type people hanging around Uni (yeah, I named the cake).

Suddenly, out of nowhere this completely drunk dickhead walked up to Uni and PUNCHED him in the face!!!

Yeah, this jackhole punched a cake in the head.  He punched a cake.  An innocent, happy, little unicorn cake.  Uni didn't do anything to this motherfucker and yet, he felt the need to punch him.

I will remember Uni the way he was, sparkly and yummy looking.

I couldn't believe it.  I was shocked.  The cake exploded and all of his fucked up friends cheered for him.  And then I got pissed.  I yelled, "What a douchebag!"  He actually nodded in agreement.  That proves it right there.

What a fucking moron.  What the hell, dude?  I realize that maybe you were pissed that the organizers won't let you eat Uni and you're hungry, but that's still no excuse to turn Uni into a "unicorpse"!  (Thank you, Jenny for that gem of a word.)

It's 1:30 in the fucking morning and the people working this party would like to get the fuck home and you just created a huge fucking mess because you thought it would be awesome to punch a pastry in the head.

Douchebag doesn't even cover it, you shit for brains.

This Letter Stopped Me in My Tracks

Photo by Jordan Whitt School started a few weeks ago, and we're still trying to get back into the swing of things. I don't kno...