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Well, I have been such a slacker this summer with my posts and I really don't have much of an excuse.  I've been crazy busy with my real job (yay money!) and my other job (yay pool days, free bowling and cheap summer movies with the kids!).  Summer is finally drawing to a close and the busy time for both my jobs will be over soon so I should be able to write a lot more.  In the meantime, I didn't want you to think that I didn't miss you and I especially didn't want you to think that nothing has pissed me off lately.  I'll give you a few nuggets that I've been too busy to post about lately:

1.  The Teenage Girl I Saw at Wendy's.  I am the mother of young children and I am easily irritated by the wimpy parents and their demon offspring I run into with my kids.  However, now and then I glimpse the future and let me tell you, it ain't bright.

We live near a large complex of soccer and baseball fields and in the summer time this area is hopping.  The restaurants around the fields are very busy with in town and out of town people from these fields, so it's good people watching territory.  I was standing in line at Wendy's one day and I noticed the family unit in front of me:  a dad and two teenagers.  At first I thought the boy and girl were brother and sister until the d-bag boy with a faux hawk and faux diamond studs in both ears stuck his tongue down her throat whilst grabbing a handful of ass.  (I am 39 years old and I still don't kiss my husband in front of my parents, I can't imagine tongueing anyone down with an ass grab at 16.)  The dad made sort of an exasperated sigh and they separated with the girl glaring at him.  "Dad, you're such a prude," she said.  He whined (LITERALLY whined), "I am not."  I was hooked.  I had to see where this was going, so, of course, I moved closer to better eavesdrop.

Apparently, the girl had just finished losing a soccer game that was sooooo not her fault.  Her team mates sucked ("fat bitches didn't run fast enough"), the refs sucked ("Who the fuck makes calls like that?  I don't even know WHY he gave me a red card!") - Dad "tsked, tsked" her for her language on that one, her dad sucked ("You were yelling so much I couldn't even concentrate.  It was soooo annoying.") and so on and so on.  By now they had their food and were ready to sit down.  I couldn't follow them anymore because my kids had sat elsewhere and really, my 4 year old has enough attitude, I didn't need her to see this.

All I could think was, Holy crap, I need to start beating my kids right now before they turn out like this little shit and her punky boyfriend.  I hid my kid's Happy Meal toys and made them cry.  I told them they'd have to "earn them back" with good behavior.  As the Hubs says, "Gotta break their spirits down now so they aren't assholes down the road."

2.  The Lady at Gymboree.  The kids are starting back to school in less than two weeks so we did some clothes shopping this week.  I stopped in Gymbo to see what they had.  I actually didn't find anything I liked, Gymbo - I need more puppies!!

My kids are half Caucasian and half Asian and sometimes if people don't see us enter a store together they don't realize that we're together.  That happened at Gymbo.  My kids made a beeline for the TV in the back of the store while I browsed the new panda and kitty cat lines (why are puppies only for boy clothes??) and that's when I overheard this woman talking to the Gymbo employee.

"Did you see those kids that just went by?" she asked.
"No...I didn't," replied Gymbo employee.
"Ohh, well, they look very different.  I wonder what they are?"
"Umm...." visibly uncomfortable with where this conversation is going.  "I'm not sure.  Sometimes you can ask people and they don't mind telling you."
"Yes, well, I might.  I can't tell who their mother is, though."
"Umm....."
Now this woman turns to her daughter, "Did you see them?"
"No, mom, I didn't."
"They're right over there.  They're so exotic looking.  What do you think they are?"  Orangutans.
By now my kids are looking around.  The store is not crowded and they're trying to see who this woman is talking about.  They want to see these exotic kids.
"There!  Right there!  Did you see the little girl?  She just looked over here!  Did you see her?  She looks like an Asian J-Lo."  WTF??
"Yes, I saw her.  I'm not sure what she is," replied the daughter.
The employee tried, "You could just ask them instead of talking about them..."  Thanks for trying, lady.

I get this all...the...time.

Asian people stop me and ask me where I "found" my kids.  The cabbage patch.  A waitress asked me a few months ago how long ago I went to China to get my kids, they really seemed to have "adapted" to America.  My favorites, though, were the Target store clerk when my son was a baby and the Sonic lady when my daughter was a baby.  The Target guy was Asian himself and asked me, "Why your baby's eyes go like dis?" and proceeded to pull up the corners of his eyes.  "Your eyes no go like dis.  Why do his?"  I let him ask me 5 times before I finally said, "Do your job and please stop asking me stupid questions.  Why do YOUR eyes go like that?  His do it for the same reason.  I have the red card, make sure I get my 5% off, jackhole."  The Sonic girl saw my daughter in her stroller one day at the mall and said, "Hey!  What's your baby mixed with?"  My friend who was with me gasped and I replied, "Love."  The Sonic girl said, "Cool," and gave me my slushy.

I know my children are striking and beautiful and I know people just don't know the appropriate way to ask me about their ethnicity.  I also know that 9 times out 10 people think they're beautiful and really are just trying to pay them a compliment, but there's got to be a better way to do it.  And BTW, Gymbo lady, my kid does NOT look like an Asian J-Lo.  She is 4 years old with pigtails.  How could you ever think she reminded you of J-Lo???  Kai-lan, yes.  J-Lo, no way.

3.  Teenage Boys in Pick Up Trucks.  With it being summer break, I am being constantly irritated by teenagers.  There is something about my city where people love to buy their teenage sons HUGE pick up trucks that they drive 80 mph through residential streets.  I know what the parents are thinking, We've got precious cargo and we don't want our sons killed when they have an accident so I'll buy them a truck that will help protect them.  Meanwhile, what about me in my little Toyota going head to head with your son in his truck?  It ain't gonna be pretty for me and my family.

I'm all for keeping your kids safe.  When my son was a baby I yelled at teenage boys one day at Sonic.  They drove in with 5 boys hanging out of an open Jeep Wrangler.  No seat belts, not even enough seats for everyone to fit.  The driver took the curve on two wheels and drove over the curb.  The boys bouncing around laughing like it was a big joke.  I had a 6 month old baby boy in the backseat at the time and I started lecturing my kid, "If I EVER see or hear about you driving so recklessly, I swear you will be grounded forever!"  Then I thought twice and decided not to lecture MY kid, rather I should lecture THOSE kids.  I pulled up and rolled down my window and scared the hell out of those boys.  "Do your mothers know you're out driving so recklessly? Do your mothers know you don't have seat belts on and some of you don't even have a seat to sit in?  Do you have any idea how upset your mothers would be if anything ever happened to you?  You need to slow down, pay attention and get some of the kids out of the car!  And I mean it, boys!"  They looked at me like I was crazy.  I don't know why.  I'm just a stranger who probably hadn't showered that day with a touch of baby blues and an overprotective personality yelling at them about how much their mothers love them.  What gives?

In those days I was trying to be helpful and shame them into obeying the traffic laws.  Now I'm just an angry, over worked mother (still rarely bathed - I pumped gas this morning in my pjs) and I want to yell, "I hope you wrap yourself and your shiny truck around a telephone pole, you asshat!  Go ahead and kill yourself, but slow it down before you kill MY kids."

I feel the same way about teenagers on motorcycles.  Who in their right mind thought THAT was a good idea?!
"I want a motorcycle!"
"Jayden, you're only a senior."
"I don't care.  You don't love me.  I want a motorcycle!"
"But honey, you could get really hurt."
"Screw you!  You hate me!"
"Sweetie, we don't hate you, we love you."
"You suck."
"Hey, that hurts mom's feelings when you speak like that.  If you apologize I'll buy you a motorcycle."
"Fine.  Sorry, but you do kind of suck."
"Fair enough.  Let's go get you a motorcycle.  But you need to wear a helmet."
"Helmets are for pussies."

4.  My Neighbors.  We've never been the friendly neighbor type.  (I know, shocking, right?)  This summer is no different.  We've always gotten along with the neighbors, no fights or anything, but we're just not friends.  Their kids got on \ my shit list when my son was a baby.  One night when my son was about 6 months old the neighbor kids and their bazillion cousins (it's sometime like a family of 12 kids and their offspring) who come over every week, rang our doorbell at 10:30 at night and ran away.  Lucky for them my kid didn't wake up, but I was getting pissed.  They did this about 3 times before I finally decided to take matters into my own hands.  I called the house and got the voicemail and left a message telling the parents that their kids were ringing the bell and running.  The kids did it again.  Now I got off my fat ass and walked over to the party going on next door.  I found the dad and told him what was happening.  I explained to him that it was now 11 o'clock and my baby was sleeping and I couldn't have his hooligans ringing the bell.  His response?  "Hey you kids, knock it off," and then he turned and went back to his party.  The next day I expected at least a phone a call of apology and at most the kids to come and ring my bell at a decent hour and apologize.  I got nothing.  After that they were pretty much dead to me - and I could tell the feeling was mutual.

Cut to 5 and a half years later and the kids don't ring the bell anymore, but they love to play in my backyard late at night.  I am a sleep Nazi and I put my kids to bed at the unGodly hour of 7 PM.  I realize that's a bit harsh, but let me tell you, my kids are rarely sick, they grow like weeds, they (USUALLY)  have pleasant dispositions and I get my evenings to myself.  Win-win.  Last night at 9:30 I heard a ruckus in the backyard and it was the damn neighbor kids and their cousins again.  At first I let it go, thinking, It's summer.  Normal kids get to stay up late and play.  Let it go.  But then!  MY kids came downstairs wondering what was going on outside on THEIR playset.  Son of a bitch!  I had to go and kick the kids out and tell them to stay out of my yard.  If I had a couple of cats I'd be the weird old lady whose house you skip on Halloween because I'm a "real" witch.

I go back and forth on this one.  I realize it's not a huge offense to play in my yard at night, but on the other hand, it's very disruptive to our bedtime routine and keeps my kids up (they didn't go to sleep until almost 10 PM last night because they were so worried about what they were missing out back).  I know that calling the parents will result in no action, so all I can do is continually police my yard and kick them out.  It sucks that the parents have put me in this position.  I would NEVER let my kids run around in someone else's yard late at night like that.  I just kept thinking how inappropriate it was.  Our master bedroom is on the first floor and it faces the backyard.  As I said before, my kids are in bed at 7 PM, by 9:30 the Hubs and I could be enjoying our "time together".  Those kids would get an eyeful and then you know I'D hear from their lawyer about what perverts we are!

Brad & Angelina

These two are the most annoying parents I can ever imagine meeting at the playground.  Assuming, of course, I go to a playground in Cambodia or France or the Hurricane Katrina ravaged areas of New Orleans.

I've never been a real big fan of Brad Pitt - even in his "hot" years.  He just always looks like he tries too hard to make himself ugly.  He's always got some kind of nasty facial hair growing and a dirty ponytail.  When he actually cleans up and looks good I find myself attracted to him until he opens his mouth.  Because he's always condescending with a touch of arrogance - like he thinks his boyish twinkle can get him out of any mess.  Ugh.  He's pushing 50 now.  The boyish twinkle look is done.

I lost a lot of respect for him when he left Jennifer Aniston to take up with that Skeletor, Angelina.  You know I'm not a big fan of Jen's, but I hate cheaters more.  (C'mon, we all know Brad and Ang hooked up long before his marriage to Jen was over.)

I'm shocked that Angelina gets as much traction in Hollywood as she does.  Doesn't anyone remember her kissing her brother?


With her tongue?

OK, no tongue, but still gross.

Or carrying Billy Bob's blood in a vial between her ample Elvira-inspired bosom??

All of a sudden she's the U.N. Ambassador and everyone thinks she's Audrey Hepburn!

I also can't stand the way they collect kids at every stop on their world wide tour.  If it's Monday, it's the south of France, Tuesday is Mozambique and Friday is Nepal!  I hope we can find a new kid today! 

Don't get me wrong, their brood looks well loved and taken care of, but I just can't help but wonder if they're accessories rather than children.  Or maybe it's an "image" thing.  After all, the Pitt-Jolie squad is starting to look like their very own perfect little Benetton ad.  OK, let's go take a tour of this city, kids!  Smile for the paparazzi!  Leave the nannies in the hotel, we're just an average family of 8 on vacation.  Smile, kids, smile, dammit!  Ooh, let's get a rug for the dining room, a picture for Granny and a new kid!  We'll take the cute little one in the corner - we don't have one like that yet!  That one will balance our ad - oops, I mean our family - out nicely.

I can't help but think they're screwing those kids up though.  How many 5 year old girls do you know that want to dress like boys?  How perfect for them to have a little girl who thinks she's a little boy.  They're big into gay and lesbian rights and have said they won't get married until EVERYONE can (good for them, btw) and now they have a little girl with apparent gender identity issues?  How ironic.  For Shiloh's sake, I truly hope the desire to dress and look like a boy is coming from within, rather than something Brad and Angie are projecting on her just because they want to use it to make a statement of some kind. That would be so messed up.

My tipping point on these two self-absorbed douches came today though when I saw this picture:


This is Angelina's new ad campaign for Louis Vuitton.  We are supposed to believe that beautiful, gorgeous, au natural Angelina is not wearing ANY makeup in this photo.

Are you freaking kidding me??  Does she and/or Louis Vuitton really think we're that stupid?!

Yes, because when I take off my makeup I always have smoky eyes, chiseled, well-defined cheeks and glossy lips.

Now I feel like crap about myself.  How can I possibly feel better?  Oh I know!  I should go and drop a grand on a Louis Vuitton bag and then sit in my yard without makeup on.  SUDDENLY, I'll be transformed into a natural smokey eyed, leggy brunette beauty with a movie star husband, a jet setting lifestyle and 6 kids who I can care for effortlessly.

Thank God for advertisers and movie stars who keep it real so we don't feel so shitty about ourselves.  Thank you, Angelina and Louis Vuitton for helping me realize what natural beauty looks like and how I can achieve it!

Some Minis For Today

1.  Ultra Skinny Bitches Who Complain They CAN'T GainWeight.  I am so sick of reading articles about models and actresses who are the size of a pin complaining about how they TRY to gain weight, but they just can't.  Wah.  It's especially annoying when you have Skeletors like this chick, the new TopShop model:


I could wrap my entire hand around that waist!  It must be a British thing, because Kate is looking waifish these days too.  I think her hair weighs as much as the rest of her body!

2.  Lindsey Lohan.  I know.  She makes the list every time, but the girl just won't shut up.  Now she's pissed because she wasn't cast in Black Swan.  Natalie Portman won an Oscar for that movie.  Lindsey doesn't even watch Oscar winning movies - too much plot for her to follow.  Dumb whore.  She is looking like a meth head now and she needs to just go away. 

3.  Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.  Also reruns.  They dressed alike for the ESPYs.  How Prom Date of them.  They're so cute!  I want to vomit.    

4.  Katie Holmes. Apparently she takes fashion advice from 5 year old Suri.  She's quoted as saying, "If she likes something of mine, I know it's good."  Come on, Katie, stop trying to put the focus ANYWHERE else, but where it should be.  After all, this is a child who wears heels to the beach and likes to wear ballet costumes everywhere she goes.  I hardly doubt you're getting fashion advice from her.  Let it go.  It's time to tell the world that Tom paid you millions to have a child with him so that he could stay closeted just a little longer and try for a few more blockbusters before he hits 50.  You can give up the crazy Scientology crap and take Suri and run far away from Mr. Looney Tunes.    

5.  Anyone Who Is Sending Casey Anthony Money.  I just read she's received over $200 in the mail from "supporters."  I realize that's not much money, but even a nickel is too much for her.  Stop sending this baby killer money, you psychos!

6.  Kat Von D.  What a weirdo.  I still can't believe Jesse left Sandra for this piece of trash.

7.  Kate Hudson.  Not to be outdone by the rest of the Hollywood Ultra Competitive Namers she's come up with a doozy for her bouncing baby boy:  Bingham or "Bing" as they'll call him.  Wacko.  

8.  ALL the assholes in Washington arguing over the debt ceiling.  Raise the debt ceiling.  And while you're at it, raise the taxes on the top 2% earners in the nation and a lot of this trouble would be solved.  They WANT to be taxed.  Get this fixed.  Stop dicking around and do your jobs.  Quit worrying about how it will go for you at the polls and do what we elected you to do.  If I fucked around this much at my job I would no longer have a job.

People Who Plank

Can I call them plankers?  It doesn't seem that I can.  I think they prefer to be called people who plank.

So WTF is planking?  Well, this is the laziest looking "sport" I've ever seen.  Sometimes it's even called the Lying Down Game.  Even bowling takes more exertion than this stupid "game."

For those un-hip readers out there who don't know what planking is, allow me to educate you.

So.  You find a weird place like a chair or roof (careful up there, the only planking fatality was on a roof) and you lie face down with your arms and hands beside you.  You imagine you are a plank of wood and you stay as rigid as you can.  Then you ask your dumbass friend to take a picture of you so you can post it on your Facebook.  The more obscure the location you plank, the better.  I think geocaching sounds cooler than this.

What a bunch of morons.  I can't get over what people will do because it's been deemed cool.  To me, this is that old saying, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" come to life.  If all your friends lie on the ground like a piece of wood, would you do it to?  Yup, but only if you have a camera.  I want to document this!

I think some drunk stupid kids were sitting around one night, getting bored and one said, "Look what I can do!  I can lay across this chair like a piece of wood.  I bet you can't!"  His equally drunk and stupid friend said, "Hah!  That's awesome, dude!  You look an idiot.  Say 'cheese'!"  Snap!  "Watch me!  I can lie on mantle of the fireplace.  Hurry up, take a picture!"  Snap!  And the rest is history.

We are surrounded by dolts.

I think the funniest part about this game is that it is considered "dangerous."  It is only dangerous if you do it on a roof, dummies.

This doesn't look that dangerous:



It looks like he fell on his face and can't get up.

But this looks dangerous!  What the hell?!  I THINK she's just a few feet off the ground, but I can't be sure.



It's also suggested you have a healthy sense of adventure before trying planking.  Yeah, this guy looks adventurous:




Nothing says "adventure" like grocery shopping.

Many tutorial websites suggest you perfect your plank stance in the privacy of your own home.  It's so embarrassing to lie down and not do it properly!  Proper form is vital to a good plank.  That's why a lot of losers just start on the ground like this guy:


Even a picnic table would be more dangerous than this!

I also think it's funny that they have to give the disclaimer to NEVER plank on a highway or train tracks.  Oh, I don't know...where's your sense of adventure and danger?  I dare ya, dumbass.

The Whole Casey Anthony Circus

A punch is too good for her and the idiots who let her go free.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I can only hope that Karma kicks this girl right in the teeth in the form of a bus or Mack truck rolling over her at a high speed as she exits the courthouse a free woman.

I love America and I think we have one of the best justice systems in the world.  HOWEVER, it is not perfect and there are times when our justice system just can't serve the justice that we'd all like to see.  We all know Casey did it. We know that Casey killed Caylee either with chloroform or neck breaking or drowning or suffocation or whatever.  We know Casey killed her and dumped her little body in the woods, put on her sluttiest dress and went out partying.  Unfortunately Casey is a little smarter and/or luckier than she looks and there just isn't enough evidence to get the conviction.

I'm afraid Casey Anthony is a harbinger of our future.  We are raising kids who are some of the most selfish and despotic people I've ever met.  George and Cindy are some of the worst examples of parents I've ever seen.  They are passive parents like none other.  George and Cindy have done nothing but enable their precious little psychopath since she was born.  It started with asking Casey, "Sweetie, would you like to stop drawing on floors now?  Your pictures are so pretty, but usually we don't draw on the floors." and went quickly to, "Honey, you know I love you, but you can't keep maxing out the Visa on clothes and booze - you're only 16.  If you do it one more time Mom and I will have to really think about taking away your Visa card." and ended up with, "Casey, what do you mean you left Caylee with Zanny the Nanny 3 weeks ago and haven't seen her since?  Are you worried at all?  Do you think maybe we should call someone?  OK, pumpkin, you just let Daddy and I know when you're ready to talk about it.  Need some money?"  

Casey Anthony is another example of why I sometimes think there should be a test you must pass in order to have a child.  She had no business EVER being a mother.  She should have examined all of her options and choices when she first found she was pregnant and keeping that child should have never made the list.

As of this moment I'm done talking about her.  I don't want to give her another minute of my time.  I wasn't one who followed the case minute by minute, but I was interested and I tried to keep up on what was happening.  I will not be doing that anymore.  I turned off the TV this morning when I saw that EVERY network was tuned in live to hear her pitiful sentencing.  I will never watch another Dateline or 20/20 special about her.  I will never watch the Lifetime movie that is sure to come out in the next 6 months starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.  I will most certainly NEVER buy a book by her.

She's a total piece of shit who should rot in hell and if the bus doesn't get her then I hope she dies bankrupt and destitute from trying to pay back the government for her circus event that she starred in.

People Who Think They Should Always Be Happy

A friend posted this article on her Facebook today.  It's about a new trend psychiatrists are seeing. Apparently 20 somethings (who have been raised in our society of "everyone's a winner" and helicopter parents) are ending up on therapists' couches because they feel a void.  They're happy, but....it's not quite enough....they deserve more.  WAH!

It reminded me, once again, how easy it is for me to screw up my kids.

No.  I absolutely don't believe that!  I don't beat my children; I don't lock them in the attic.  I feed them on a regular basis, I clothe them, I educate them, I read to them, I play with them, I take them on vacations, but still, I run the risk of putting them in therapy?!  Not for abuse, but because I love them TOO MUCH?!  Ugh. Seriously, people?

What is the deal with this younger generation that seems to think they should ALWAYS be happy?

These whiny 20 somethings are sitting around moaning and groaning about how they're not happy ENOUGH.  Happy enough?  Really??  These are not people who are out of work, who have lost a loved one, or who are losing their home.  These people have good jobs, loving spouses, healthy children, and plenty of money (obviously, if they can spend money on a therapist to figure out why they're not happy enough).  Unlike the people out there with real depression.  You know, people who have suicidal thoughts and need to be medicated.  People who think about throwing their babies out windows or blowing their own heads off.  THAT is depression, THAT is unhappiness!

So WTF is the problem??  What these asshats are experiencing is something completely different.  I don't think these young people are unhappy.  I think they're BORED.  I think they need to learn to deal with their boredom.  The Hubs has a favorite saying he uses all the time on our kids.  When they complain they're bored and he says, "Only boring people are bored."  I agree with him completely.  Figure out how to entertain yourself and you will never be bored.

I am not a cruise director.  My job is not to entertain my kids 24/7.  That being said, I will admit that of course I spoil my kids (contrary to popular belief, I'm not perfect).  My kids live in a beautiful home full of toys and games.  Of course I give them lots of love and attention.   I love to be with my kids and I love to play with them and hang out with them.  I also love to see them entertain themselves - or entertain me.  I love to see them go their rooms and read a book or color.  I love to see them ride their scooters or play "Puppy Tag". (It's like Tag - only you play on all fours because you're a puppy.  Duh.)  I don't have the time, energy or desire to be a helicopter parent.  Lucky for my kids, I'm just a "good enough" mother, which research is showing is just the right balance to raise a healthy, well-adjusted, productive member of society.  For once, mediocre is best.  Woohoo!  (I'm sure once my kids hit their 20s, research will show that good enough parenting screws up your kids too.)

I think parents need to stop over-scheduling their kids' lives and filling every moment with something fun and exciting.  They need to let their kids fail and get back up and try again.  They need to let the kids realize that life has disappointments and crappy days.  Might as well get used to it now.

I hate to keep blaming the parents though.  At some point, these ADULT children need to take responsibility for their emotions and get over it.  What's done is done.  You were raised in a loving, over-protective, over-indulgent environment where you were the center of the universe and your every wish was granted and now you feel unfulfilled.  Fine.  Whatever.  It's time to get over it now.  You do NOT need therapy (stop wasting your/your parent's money).  That's ridiculous.  Put on your big girl panties/grow a sack, get out of therapy and find a hobby, buy a dog, read a book -anything!  Just get in touch with reality. You need to realize:  You're going to have good days and bad days.  It's called being an adult.  Not every day is a fucking day at Disneyland.  Grow up.