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Really Bad Movies That I've Watched Lately

So the Hubs and I watch a lot of movies.  We have a movie room in our house and a library card, so we're CRAZEE with our movie watching.  Because we have so much access to free movies on a big screen we are not real picky about what we'll watch.  Lately it's been a problem.  We've watched a ton of terrible movies and I'm lamenting the hours of my life that I've lost watching these POSs.  So I've made a list so that hopefully I can stop other people from wasting their lives watching this crap.

Unstoppable - Runaway train, will Denzel save the day before a crappy town in PA blows up?  I really don't care.

The Next 3 Days - Wife's in jail for a crime she didn't commit.  Can hubby break her out?  I really don't care.

Dinner For Schmucks - NOT FUNNY.  Not even a little bit.

Salt - Angelina is a laughable spy.  Only positive thing I can say is she takes off her high heels to run so that makes THAT the only believable part in this movie.

Wall Street 2 - Money Never Sleeps - Slept through it.

The A Team - Bradley Cooper is hot, but even he couldn't save this movie.  Liam Neeson was bizarre.  Can't remember the plot at all.

Knight & Day - I don't know why I keep watching Tom Cruise movies.  Please remind me next time how much this tiny, little man sucks.  Cameron Diaz screams a lot.  Can't remember this plot either.

The Expendables - Sly needs to stop making movies, I'm embarrassed for him.  The Sperminator has a cameo.

The Prince of Persia - Jake Gyllenhaal looks weird with his spray tan and his accent is off-putting.  Can't remember the plot and since my kid wants the P of P Legos, I kept imagining everything as it's Lego counterpart.

The Social Network - I started Facebook!  No the Indian guy and the weird, rich twins did!  No, I did!  Snooze.  Who cares?  I can't believe these guys are actually fighting about this.  At the end of the day it was pretty obvious Zuckerberg created it; if the twins could have done it - THEY WOULD HAVE.  Trent Reznor did a good job with the music.  The dialogue is too quick and technical to follow - yeah, I'm that stupid.  I felt like I was watching the first season E.R. before every medical show talked in "medicine talk."

127 Hours - Rock falls on guy's arm, he cuts it off.  I don't know what I expected, but not this.  It reminded me of Castaway (one of my all time most despised films) with just the guy talking to himself and the camera the whole time.  I kind of felt like he was an idiot and shouldn't have been out hiking without telling anyone where he was.  I didn't have a lot of sympathy for him.

Love & Other Drugs - Beautiful girl is slowly dying, can asshole change?  Doesn't really matter because they're both boring as hell.  This is sad, because I think Jake Gyllenhaal is pretty darn hot (obviously, since I've watched two of his bad movies lately) but he's got to start picking better movies or our relationship will have to end.

Oprah Winfrey (in case you weren't sure which Oprah I meant)

I just have to do it.  I'm sooooo sick of hearing about Oprah's final show.  Yuck.  I'm so over Oprah and have been for a long time.  Actually, it's been since Oprah got skinny - for the last time.  Her ass got smaller, but her head (and those diamond studs in her ears) got too big for her (fat jeans) britches.

She's become so self-righteous and bossy.  She thinks she's doing so much good when really she's just pimping out her friends and anything she can put the "O" on.    

I did not watch her final show.  I did not want to see her cry slash love fest with her favorites - did John Travolta come?  How about Maya Angelou?  Did Maya write a special poem for the occasion?  I'm sure Gayle was there - boohooing.  She's had a good run as the best friend of Oprah.  Does that job get a monthly paycheck or just when she's out doing Oprah's bitch work?

Every show I watch is about Oprah and what she's interested in either learning about or teaching the dumb masses about (because that's what we are in her eyes - sheep that need to be educated).  It's never about anything else.  Remember when she used to have baby daddies on there with DNA tests and confrontations?  THAT was fun TV to watch.  Now it's all about Dr. Oz telling us we need to take a crap every day or Nate Berkus re-designing our homes on a dime.

A few months ago when Oprah's network started I watched one of the Behind the Scenes shows.  I'll give Oprah this.  She is a smart cookie.  She's been taping all the behind the scenes shenanigans of this past year so now she can turn around and serve it up on OWN as new programming.  Pretty sneaky, sis!  I watched an episode where they were surprising her biggest fans.  Gayle flew out to BFE, Ohio (or wherever) and surprised the old gals at their favorite breakfast dive.  She told them they had to leave RIGHT NOW and drive across country to get to Chicago so they could appear on a taping of the show.  The girls jumped in the car and started driving.  Oprah's staff went into hyper drive disguising the studio so the women would literally pull on stage at a specific moment and arrive at Oprah's show in all their "I just drove 2000 miles and I look like shit; I'm glad I'm on TV" glory.  (Thanks, Oprah.  You'll do ANYTHING to be the best looking woman in the studio won't you??)  Oprah's staff goes through all this drama to surprise these elderly ladies, and I was hoping at least one would have chest pains.  No such luck.

But with the level of drama and intensity you're feeling you would think one of them was going to have a heart attack.  It was absolutely RIDICULOUS!  They'd cut to Oprah in a confessional, "I was thinking to myself, if these ladies don't pull in at the exact right moment it could be a catastrophe!"  (Yeah, you might have to stop taping and ask the studio audience to sit tight for a half hour or so.)  Then they'd cut to her producers simultaneously guzzling Diet Coke, Tums and Xanax and talking about kids they never see because of the wonderful opportunity they have to work with Oprah.  Apparently Harpo is a pressure cooker to work in. Needless to say, this show (like all of them) went off without a hitch.  Old ladies pulled on stage thinking they were pulling into a parking garage (they're her biggest fans, not her smartest fans), Oprah screamed, they screamed, Gayle screamed.  They recapped the whole "I couldn't believe when Gayle showed up while we were having eggs!"  Blah, blah, blah, snore.....Oprah laughs all the way to the bank.  Ca-ching!

I don't like Oprah because she named her dog the same name as my kid.  You know how I feel about that!  She also treats her dogs quite a bit like children.  And you know how I feel about that!  Oprah and Gayle are lesbians and I'm OK with that - just admit it Oprah.  NO ONE is buying the Steadman thing anymore.  It's sad actually.  Wave your rainbow flag!

I don't like Oprah because she puts herself on the cover of her own magazine every month.  Really?  I get that Oprah is a brand and she continually has to keep her brand in front of us, but EVERY single month?  She says it's to keep the readers focused on the outstanding content of the mag rather than the celebrity on the cover.  I'll tell you what, I've NEVER bought the magazine because her mug was so disturbing to me that I couldn't even read the headlines to know what the content was.

Oprah DID get people reading, and I appreciate that.  I actually was reading before Oprah started her revolution and now I have a longer wait list at the library - thanks Oprah.  No, it's cool.  As an aspiring writer, I appreciate that Oprah gave exposure to a large number of writers.  (There, I said something nice.  I won't be doing that again!)  I liked when she stuck to literary novels, once she started the whole navel-gazing route she lost me completely.  I am not one to waste my precious little reading time on books like A New Earth - Awakening Your Life's Purpose or Discover the Power Within You: A Guide to the Unexplored Depths Within.  Mostly because I don't think my life has a purpose and I definitely don't have any depths to me - or if I do, I have no desire to explore them - no telling what I'll find.

The Parents of Storm Stocker-Witterick

Where do I begin with this one?  I'm so overwhelmed with all the reasons I strongly disagree with Kathy Witterick and David Stocker that I don't know where to start - between dad thinking it's "obnoxious" for parents to make decisions for their kids (Yeah, that's what we do, dumbass.  P.S. - You made the decision to keep Storm's gender a secret.  That is pretty obnoxious, don't you think??  And BTW, who chose to go to the media with this story?  And WHY did you choose to do that?) or mom who thinks it's OK for a five year old to dictate his own education ("I want to paint on the walls with my poop today, Mommy!"  "Sounds perfect, sweetie!") - I could punch them both for days.  What a couple of hippie dippies!  This kid will need so much therapy when s/he is 18 I feel like we should start taking up a donation now.

Remember when I said there should be an idiot test for people who want a kid?  These people would have failed miserably.  They have decided not to reveal the gender of their four month old baby to anyone other than the siblings, the midwives who assisted at the home water-birth (of course it was) and a "close friend."  The grandparents are left out of the loop.  Wow, that's one tight knit family - they trust a 2 year old with the secret gender identity more than G'ma and G'pa.

The parents have decided not to reveal the gender because it's a "...tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm's lifetime (a more progressive place?...)."

I'm all for a gender-neutral environment for a baby, but come on, this sounds like a science experiment five year old Jazz thought up!  This is ridiculous.  This is a real person you're playing with. What do you call the baby when you're around it?  Little monkey?  Peanut?  Hey you?  It?  Yeah, because that's not damaging to his/her psyche like Champ or Princess would be.  BTW, they call it "Z."

Hey, I get it.  My son had a baby doll and a stroller and a shopping cart and a play kitchen and my daughter plays with cars and Legos and can swordfight like Captain Jack Sparrow.  I'm not even going to dis on these people because they let Jazz dress like a girl, because I have a son who likes his hair longish and wanted his toenails painted for a summer and I let him do it.  I have a daughter who can beat the snot of you (and I kind of like her tough) and for a while she carried a toy gun in her purse (as a lady should).  But I don't think they're raising enlightened kids because they wear dresses and braids.

If you let all 18 month old children pick clothing from the girls or boys department at stores of course you'd find a lot of boys in dresses and a lot of girls dressed like Diego, but you'd also find a lot of boys and girls who are just hardwired for their gender-appropriate clothes and toys.  I have a 4 year old girl who was rarely exposed to the color pink.  Not because I wanted to keep her gender neutral, but because I disliked pink.  Her room was red and black and her baby clothes were anything but pink.  I also didn't dress her much in dresses because I didn't like messing with tights when I was changing diapers.  At 2 years old this child DEMANDED to be dressed only in pink and only in dresses - preferably with tights - and has never looked back.  Now we fight about whether lip gloss is appropriate for wearing outside the house.

I almost feel like Storm's parents are bending over backwards to make their boys girly.  They love to tell you that Jazz's favorite color is pink and Kio, the middle child, rides a pink and purple tricycle.  If it's anything like my house, my son (the older one) got to pick a tricycle and when my daughter was old enough to ride a trike, she got his as a hand me down - she didn't choose a boy bike, it was inherited.  My guess is, pink-loving Jazz picked the trike and then passed it to Kio.

It's like they WANT their child to be different - but only if it's not his (or her if Storm's a girl) typical gender role.  Can you imagine how freaked out they'd be if Jazz spoke up tomorrow and said, "I want to be a solider.  I want to learn to shoot a gun and I'll only wear camouflage cargo pants"?  Do you think they'd go to the library and get books on AK-47s and make dog tags at the kitchen table?  Let's imagine Storm is a girl - what would they do if Storm tells them the same thing?  Or do you think it would be harder on these two if their kids wanted to be Republicans (or whatever the Canadian equivalent is)?

These parents are complete idiots.  Dad teaches at an alternative school where the lessons are "framed by social justice issues around class, race and gender."  WTF does that even mean?  How do you learn Algebra at this school?  I don't think Dad is going to be very open-minded when Jazz, Kio AND Storm all decide they want to be Army Rangers.

His school sounds about as dumb as "unschooling" which is how mom teaches Jazz.  Unschooling is the idea that schooling should be driven by the child's curiosity with no tests, no textbooks, no grades.  Wow.  I wish I could have gone to that kind of school.  That sounds freaking awesome!  I would have been happy being  unschooled all day every day until I grew up and couldn't even get a job at McDonald's because I never "chose" to learn anything else other than recess, gym and art.

I can't even imagine what our days would be like if I unschooled my children at home.  We'd have lessons on Legos, Star Wars, puppies, painting and cutting.  I'd be an alcoholic and I think the Hubs would leave us.  

Last year they let Jazz choose if he wanted to go to school.  Can you believe he chose to stay home with mommy where his studies include squishing in the mud, chasing garter snakes and baking cupcakes?  Me neither.  I was sure he'd choose to go school.  Kids always make the right choices when their passive parents ask them to.

I think what irritates me the most about these two is that they think THEY'RE the ONLY PARENTS saying "I love my kid for whoever they are."  That's B.S.  You can't say that because your son wears a skirt or rides a purple trike and your baby has no gender identity that you love your kids more.  What an arrogant thing to say.  People like this think they're not judgmental, but really they are.  What a bunch of hypocrites.

I love my kids for whoever they are too.  In fact, I love my kids so much that I impose structure on their lives - they can make some choices, but they don't get to dictate their days - they're 4 and 6!  I love my kids so much that I send them to school where they can be educated by professionals.  I love my kids so much that I have rules I enforce that are meant to teach them and protect them.  I love my kids so much that I raise them in a safe and comfortable environment where they can explore who they are and feel respected and loved.

These two goofballs get punched because they're smug and arrogant and gave their kids stupid names and they are raising them in a rainbow bubble and saying, "Look at us, aren't we special?  Admire us for being so brave and cutting-edge with our parenting style!"  I won't admire them as parents unless Jazz, Kio and/or Storm cure cancer or broker world peace.

If you liked this, do me a favor and repost, would ya?  Thanks.

Stupid Men Who Make Laws That Affect Me & My Daughter

This should be subtitled Why Kansas Sucks for Women.

I am so furious right now I am literally shaking.  I have lived in Kansas now for a total of 15 years or so and I've always known that outside of my little ring of friends this is one of the most backassward states in the union.  This is the state that has a law that states if two oncoming trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.  (Duh.)  This is a state where my city has to have a law that no one may picket a funeral.  (Yup, those assholes are from here too.)  And this is the state that teaches evolution is a theory, not a fact.  (Yes, it makes total sense that Adam and Eve had dinosaurs for pets.  And I guess dinos no longer exist because Noah forgot to get them on the Ark??)

And now Kansas has this douche spouting his misogynistic (and idiotic) shite.  I think the writer from The Pitch did a fantastic job skewering the guy and I loved that he included the home phone number of the dickhead.  I haven't called him yet.  I'm trying to decide if I want to have a legitimate conversation with him where I try to point out the flaws in his proposal and where I would ask him how he'd like it if his wife or daughters were forced to plan ahead for a RAPE or if I just want to call him every name in the book, accuse him of being a close-minded weirdo who probably looks at kiddie porn when the fam is asleep and threaten him with bodily harm a la the Shazam.  I go back and forth.  I need to do some research first, I don't want to end up in jail.

It's just so aggravating and frustrating that all these fucking MEN make laws that dictate what can and can't be done to WOMEN'S bodies.  Fuck you, Rep. Pete DeGraaf!  Who do you think you are?!  What gives you the right to tell me and my daughter what we should "prepare" for??  If you can get a penile impant without a special rider I should be able to get an abortion!  (I'm not saying he's ever had one, but he IS acting like a man with an inadequacy don't you think?)

I've never had an abortion.  I'm at a point in my life that I probably would not have an abortion.  I'm affluent enough that if I or my daughter ever chose to have one, I could find a place to go and get the job done without a coat hanger.  There are millions of women in this country who don't have that luxury and they will DIE when they realize they don't have a "spare tire," because they will go to some back alley kook who will charge them cash and use dirty surgical instruments.

Men like Rep. DeGraaf and his colleagues will fight wars for oil and land and money.  But I WILL fight to the death for my daughter's reproductive rights and her right to make a safe and affordable choice.  That might sound like hyperbole, but it's not.  I feel like this is a war.  A war on women and laws like this one are just the tip of the iceberg that is coming.  I rant and I rave on this blog about how minorities are treated and today, I am a member of that threatened minority and I will definitely not go quietly!

I can't even believe that I HAVE to rant and rave.  This should be a no-brainer - keep YOUR fucking laws about MY body away from me.  Don't preach to me.  Don't tell me to "prepare" for a rape or unwanted pregnancy like I would prepare for a flat tire or my death (abortion insurance IS NOTHING like a spare tire or life insurance).  Stay away from me and definitely stay away from my daughter!

I wonder what it would be like if the roles were reversed and the men were the ones with unwanted pregnancy or were victims of rape, incest, and more?  They'd probably have drive through abortion clinics on every corner.  They'd have the drug companies working on the very best drugs to make an abortion as quick, easy and affordable as possible. Pfizer would probably sell Viagra and this abortion wonder drug in a two pack with a coupon!

There is a campaign under way to send Rep. Pete DeGraaf mini spare tires.  I'm more of the mindset we should put a horse's head in his bed.

If you'd like to drop him a note or give him a call, here's his info:

DeGraaf's Web site lists his office number as 785-296-7693, his home phone as 316-777-0715 - that's at 1545 E. 119th St. Mulvane, KS - and his e-mail as pete.degraaf@house.ks.gov.


If you agree with me, please repost.  

Some People I DON'T Want to Punch in the Throat

I'm pretty excited this week because my little blog is starting to gain some ground.  It started yesterday when I was at a child's birthday party.  I was hanging out with a group of moms and one of them spoke up and said, "You guys need to read this blog I just found.  It's hilarious.  It's called People I Want to Punch or something like that."

I said, "It's called People I Want to Punch in the Throat."

She said, "Yes!  That's it!  It's so funny."

"Thanks," I said.  "I write it."

"YOU do??"  She was shocked.  You can tell she's someone who never thought I was funny in real life.  That's OK, I get that a lot.  I take a while to warm up in person.

This was the first time I've ever heard a stranger talking about ANYTHING I've ever written (positive or negative) and I was pretty pleased.  I even blushed.  (I hate being so damn pale!)

Then today, I was looking at my blog stats (I'm a tad obsessed with those suckers) and I noticed I was getting a lot of traffic from Annette FunnyJello's blog.  I had not had a chance to read Annette's post yesterday so I didn't realize that she'd told her followers that she'd like to invite me to a picnic and be BFFs - read the post, it's really funny.

This is the first time I've ever been mentioned on anyone's blog, so I'm really psyched about that too.

I feel a little bit like Sally Field right now.  I know, I know.  I'm an idiot.  I'm a conceited idiot who likes to be validated by strangers.  I own it.  You can punch me for it.  I'm OK with that.  When I started this blog a couple of months ago I was sure that only my mother and the Hubs would read it.  I knew my mom would like it (what DOESN'T she like that I do?) and I figured the Hubs would give "constructive criticism" and we'd end up fighting (NOOO, I don't want to punch Julian Schnabel.  I don't care that he's an ugly whore!)

OK, now I gotta get back to work and punch someone - NOT punching people isn't very fun!

Harold Camping

Wow.  I'm kinda pissed.  I really could have used a break today and the rapture could have provided that break for me.

Just think:

No more mortgage.
My debts would be wiped out.  (I managed to max out the AmEx yesterday thinking I'd never have to pay it.)
No more whiny kids.
No more vacuuming.  (I'm glad I went ahead and had the cleaning lady come yesterday.  Better safe than sorry.)
No more laundry!!  (My own personal hell.)
No more $4.00/gal gasoline.
No more worrying about my job and the housing market.
No more early mornings.  (In Heaven I get to sleep in every day - and take a nap on Sunday afternoons.)
I could have missed the birthday party today at the gymnasium that smelled like feet.  (What is the deal with those gyms?  Can they not crack a window and get a breeze through there?  There is nothing more disgusting than watching your kid eat birthday cake while you inhale the funk of foot.)

Instead 6 PM just rolled on by with little or no drama - although, it did sound like an earthquake in my backseat when my kids started fighting over the loot from the birthday party.  Looks like Harold Camping made another mathematical error!

Lucky for me not much will change with this news.  I'm not like a lot of Camping's followers who sold or gave away all their Earthly possessions; who quit jobs and congregated in California outside his radio studio and waited for Jesus.  I feel sorry for these people and the ones who gave millions of dollars to Family Radio to pay for billboards and RVs to spread the word about Doomsday.  I'd punch these people too, but I truly feel sorry for them.  They put their belief into a false prophet and now they're out of luck.  Many of them will have to start over and pick up the pieces of their lives.  Many of them are doubting their faith and wondering what went wrong.  I wonder what Camping will use as his excuse this time.

How Camping can sleep at night?  Does he truly believe the nonsense that he spouts or does he know he's duping people and he's laughing all the way to the bank?  (Family Radio has over $100 million in assets.  I guess they thought they could take it with them.)  So many times you see these charlatans who prey on the weak-minded.  They spout fire and brimstone and tell them the end is near.  (Do you know how long people have been predicting the End Times??)  These guys promise salvation for 4 easy payments of $19.95 and fools line up and pay.

Well, tomorrow I'll need to pay my mortgage and sweep my floor and referee my kids - all while keeping an eye on the calendar...2012 is coming and we all know THAT is for real!

If I made you laugh, do me a favor and share my blog with a friend or two!  I won't punch you if you do!

Kerry Campbell/Sheena Upton

What is wrong with our world?  Why would ANYONE agree to go on national television and lie to the world about subjecting your child to painful Botox treatments?  Why would you force your child to lie as well?  All for $200??!!  AYFKM??

I was mad when I heard the story the first time and now I'm furious.  I was totally duped.  I believed that crazy woman and her crazy story.  How stupid am I?  I was a little suspicious because the little girl didn't quite fit the pageant bill, but I thought No wonder she's struggling, she's not your typical pageant type. I was a little suspicious of the mom's creds and how she managed to get her hands on the Botox.  But again, I figured, I don't really run in black market circles and I'm sure you can find all kinds of crazy stuff if you know who to ask.  I still believe there is a seedy underbelly to the whole kiddie pageant world and my guess is you can get all kinds of crap you wouldn't believe.  I'm pretty sure Brittanie's mom is looking into Botox as we speak.

I'm curious how this even happened.  How did a British tabloid find an American patsy who would do this for $200?  Why did the tabloid even want to do this?  It's just such a bizarre story all around.

No wonder the little girl needed so much coaching from her mom as to why she wanted Botox!  The little girl was lying through her teeth because mommy told her to.  Unfreakingbelievable.

I was mad at Kerry Campbell for being a terrible mother, injecting her daughter with Botox and letting her talk to the press about wanting boobs and an acting career.  Now I'm mad at Sheena Upton for being an idiot, forcing her child to lie on national television, losing custody of her daughter and now saying she didn't even KNOW what Botox was until she was approached by the Sun.  Yeah, she's still a terrible mother.

It's really making me think the tabloids lie.  I believe that Dracula Boy exists and Oprah and Gail are secret lovers.  I might have to get a second opinion on both of those now.

List of People/Things That Bug Me

I won't name names because it really doesn't matter and some of these people I have no idea what their names are:

1.  The guy I saw coming out of the liquor store today (at 10:45 am) with a case of beer.  He hopped in a truck with a bunch of roofers and headed off to wield a nail gun and balance on the ridge of someone's roof.

2.  Sherwin-Williams for making no fewer than 30 shades of WHITE.  I just need to find a trim color for white woodwork and SW is making my brain hurt.  I've narrowed it down to Eggshell or Muslin.

3.  Anyone who describes people as "tough, but fair."  What does that even mean?  If you're being fair then it shouldn't be tough.  If you're tough, then you aren't fair.  In my opinion, I've found that people who are described this way typically are assholes.  They aren't fair.  They have favorites and they treat their favorites fairly (thus the people who say "tough, but fair"), but the rest of us schlubs get jerked around.

4.  Sam's Club/Costco demanding to see my membership card when I walk through the door.  I must have a card to purchase anything, why do you need to see my card when I walk in the door?  Are your mega packs of toilet paper and Cheez Ballz for members eyes only?

5.  Sam's Club/Costco demanding to see my receipt when I leave.  There are two different types of people who work the doors at these places.  There are the glancers.  They are the ones who glance in your cart and see that you have a gallon of milk, a bunch of bananas, a swimsuit and Power Bars.  They give you the stripe (or a smiley face if you've got a kid with you) and send you on your way.  Those people tend to work at Sam's.  The other ones are bouncers.  They count your bananas to make sure you didn't steal one from another bunch and tuck it in your bag.  They look inside the swimsuit for hidden contraband.  They draw a line on your receipt and NEVER give you a smiley face.  These people tend to work at Costco.  They BOTH make me feel like a criminal and I hate the lines they cause with their searches.

6.  Kelsey Grammer. When are all these women going to realize he's homosexual?  He's not a straight man.  I have extremely weak gaydar and yet mine goes crazy every time I see him on TV.  Either way, he's a douche who cheated on his harpy of a wife (hey, he picked that particular circle of Hell to live in) and now he wants his kids.  From what I've seen, NEITHER one of those two raise their kids. They have something like 4 nannies for 2 kids!  The kids would be better off in their own home with the 4 nannies and the parents get supervised visiting rights.

7.  Moms who kill their kids.  What's up with that?  Don't get me wrong, there are days that I feel like I could inflict bodily harm on my child.  They can piss me off like no one else, but come on!  They're defenseless, trusting kids!  OK, Mommy, let's go out to a deserted road in the middle of Maine!  That sounds like fun!  I also realize that the moms who do this are not well.  They probably have no business being a mother, but SOMEONE knows that.  SOMEONE sees how unstable these women are.  Husbands, parents, friends, co-workers, etc.  These women don't just snap.  These women simmer for a long time and send out lots of red flags for people to apparently IGNORE.

8.  Bin Laden and his porn collection.  Really?  How clich├ęd.

9.  Danielle Staub.  Did you know she went back to stripping?  Well, apparently she did and now she's retiring again and going to rehab.

10. Rehab.  Doesn't anyone have any shame anymore?  Shouldn't you keep your dirty little secrets about child molestation, cutting, drinking, drugs, kleptomania, etc. a secret?  Rehab is so hot right now.  Everyone's doing it.  You go to rehab, let People magazine do an expose on your problem, write a book, become the face of child molestation/cutting/drinking/drugs/kleptomania and go back to work.  It's crazy!  I don't want to discount SOME of the people who write these books though.  For instance, I know several women who really felt helped by Brooke Shield's book about post partum depression.  I'm irritated with people like Danielle Staub and Lindsey Lohan who make a life out of doing outrageous things to get their skanky asses on the cover of People magazine.

11.  Anyone who thinks the world will end on Saturday.  I think all of these doomsdayers are ridiculous and should shut up.  I wish I knew for sure if they were right because I have the cleaning lady coming on Friday and there's really no reason to pay her to clean if the Rapture is coming.  Although, I guess it would be nice to have a clean house for Jesus to see.  A TINY bit of me hopes they're right, because Saturday is a busy day for us and I'm not really looking forward to it.  Damn, just read it won't happen until 6 pm LOCAL time.  Of course!  My day will be over by then.

Politicians and Their Love Children

Today it's Ahnold.  Or as my friend calls him:  The Sperminator.  A couple years ago it was John Edwards.  And remember Strom Thurmonds mixed-race love child?  There are even more that I can't remember right now, but it's nauseating.

What a bunch of douches  Why can't these guys keep it in their pants?  What is so dificult about zipping it up?  Why can the women do it, but the men can't?  I doubt Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton have love children out there.  I'm not a fan of Sarah Palin's and I think she's done a lot of stupid things, but I'd bet anything that all her kids are Todd's (even the littlest who people like to speculate is Bristol's).

I think the women who have children with these men and keep it quiet are idiots as well.  Who has a child with a married man and then agrees to keep it quiet because they don't want to hurt his political career?  I realize there is the idea that if Daddy doesn't stay Governor, Mommy doesn't get her hush money, but still!  Come one, these days a dog can get a book deal if his story is salacious enough.  I'm sure there are a ton of publishers (not to mention the execs at Lifetime who are ready to make this into a TV movie) who would pay the mother well to tell the story of how Arnold seduced her in the linen closet (or wherever their trysts took place).

I truly think there is nothing worse than an asshole with a love child.  Especially one who is a hypocrite.  Yes, yes, all men with love children are hypocrites, but I feel like some are more hypocritical than others.  Strom Thurmond was a racist for God's sake!  He was a proponent of segregation and he had a mixed-race child love child with the family maid.  John Edward's wife was DYING.  She'd have chemo treatments in the morning and then stand by his side and help him campaign in the afternoon.  He played the heartstrings on that one and meanwhile he was playing house with one of his staffers.  Ugh.

And now there is Arnold.  There have always been rumors about Arnold and his behavior towards women and he always acted so hurt and betrayed that people would make up such stories about him.  He touted what a family man he was - how he and Maria had such a strong bond.  Total and utter B.S.!  For over 10 years (reports are now saying the kid is 14) this asshat hid his relationship and child in the OPEN!  The mother worked for the family for 20 years and retired earlier this year with a nice severance package!  

Poor Maria.  Do you think Maria ever suspected?  Do you think the kid ever once made her stop for a second and think, "Hmm...that baby looks a lot like Patrick did when he was that age.  I wonder if....No.  I will not go there.  Arnie is faithful to me.  He loves me.  He would never do that to me."  Ha.

Forget plane crashes and assassinations.  THIS is the "Kennedy Curse"!  For generations the Kennedy women have had to put up with disrespectful behavior from those power-hungry, tail chasing, pathetic excuses of men that they call husbands.

Mini Punch Monday

1.  45 degree weather in May!
2.  6 year molars on a 4 year old.  This child will hit puberty at 7!
3.  People who buy stuff from me on Craigslist and then want to return it.  (This is not effing Nordstrom's, lady!)
4.  Parents who complain that school is taking too much time from their children's extra-curricular activities.  WTF?  Isn't school supposed to be the priority here?
5.  Me - for letting my kid sign up for baseball.  Holy balls, this schedule sucks.
6.  Title companies, lenders, and appraisers who screw up my closings.  Of course, these are not my usual vendors and that's why my deals are getting screwed up.  I have my favorites for a reason!
7.  Me - for being such a control freak about stupid stuff.
8.  Old bitties who won't get out of the real estate business.  This economy has done a good job weeding out a lot of the losers, but the old bitties just keep hanging on and making my life miserable!!
9.  People who send e-card thank you letters...for a wedding present!  This is a reader-submission, so I can't speak from experience, but I can say that's pretty bad.  You can tell me you're going green, you can tell me you're saving trees, blah, blah, blah.  My response will be, Yeah, me too.  For your wedding I planted a tree in my yard in your honor.  I'll email you a picture if you'd like.
10.  Shelton High Headmaster Dr. Beth Smith for reversing her decision and allowing James Tate to go to prom.  Chicken.
11.  James Tate and anyone else who thinks HMU (hit me up) is a romantic way to ask a girl to prom.
12.  Jeff Probst.  This one is for the Hubs.  I'm not sure why he hates him so much.  No one else rocks a safari shirt like Probst.  Maybe the Hubs is jealous because he has the best job in the world.  We LOVE Survivor.

James Tate

James Tate is the boy who tried to ask a girl to prom and got suspended from school and banned from the prom.  He trespassed on school property and he climbed a ladder up the front of the school to tape up a huge cardboard message asking a girl in his class to prom.

The principal punished him for his actions.  She suspended him for one day from school and enforced a long standing rule that any one suspended after April 1 is banned from the prom.

The way people are acting you would think she hog tied him and whipped him at a school assembly.

People are practically burning this woman's effigy.  They are calling for her head on a platter - literally.  They think that she has single-handedly ruined James Tate's life by not allowing him to go to prom.  There is even a Connecticut legislator getting involved trying to pass legislation to stop this!  WTF???  Get back to work you POS and stop worrying about stupid teenagers being banned from prom.  This guy should get his own punch!!

You know what I think?  Good for you, Dr. Beth Smith.  I am completely on your side!

If young Mr. Tate had fallen off his ladder and broken a leg or, God forbid, been killed you KNOW that his parents and their lawyers would have been ALL OVER Dr. Smith and her school with lawsuits out the ass.

The other problem Dr. Smith faces is that James Tate is a senior.  In a few more weeks, he's outta here and he ain't never coming back, but Dr. Smith isn't going anywhere.  She's got hundreds of more students she has to keep in line and so she has to be tough so that some other dumb kid doesn't try this stunt next year.

I don't doubt that James is a good kid.  He sounds like a real sweet kid with a big heart, but he didn't think this one through.  He made a bad choice and now he has to live with the consequences, simple as that.  We can't make special rules for him because it's prom. Or because it's his senior year.  Or because he's just a real nice kid.  Who cares?

He can start all the Facebook pages or online petitions he wants, but I hope Dr. Smith does not budge one bit.

Plus, what is the big damn deal with prom?  Why does everything think it's the end all, be all of your life?  It's a dance, people.  It's a silly, expensive night that only lives up to the Prom Queen's expectations.

I blame Hollywood for making us all think that prom is some sort of magical evening where we're all beautiful and happy.  Where Jake Ryan finally notices us and drives us home in his Porsche.  I also blame Hollywood for making boys think they need to go over the top to invite a girl to a dance.  Why couldn't James just ask this girl during lunch period?  Why did he need to make such a big to-do?

If he wanted to be unique, here are some ideas:  Why didn't he write a note on the windshield of her car before she left for school that morning?  Why didn't he mail her a letter every day with one word for each day spelling out Will you go to prom with me? James  Why didn't he hire a skywriter?  Why didn't he ask Dr. Smith if he could hang up his sign?????  Oh right, because I bet deep down, he knew she'd say NO.  He didn't care.  He thought he could get away with it.  He thought he could charm his way out of his punishment.  He thought he could pick up some trash and apologize and go rent a tux.  Instead I hope he and Sonali order a pizza and rent Sixteen Candles.

I think Dr. Smith has helped prepare this boy for his future more than he may know.  She's taught him that being a good, nice, well-behaved kid isn't enough to get you out of trouble when you make a poor decision.  He needs to THINK about his actions and what the consequences will be.  She has also helped him learn that the world is hard core and there are rules that must be followed and the world doesn't care how many friends you have on Facebook who think you shouldn't be banned from prom/fired/sent to prison/fined/etc./etc..  If you fuck up, you will be punched - err...punished.

Kerry Campbell AKA "Mom of the Year"

By now you've probably heard all about Kerry Campbell, the mom who gives Botox to her 8 year old daughter because she has "wrinkles" and needs to stay ultra competitive in the high stakes world of children's beauty pageants.  WTF is wrong with this woman?

You know how I feel about the pageant kids and parents who name their kids Britney and parents who let their kids call all the shots, so it's probably no surprise this dumbass is getting the punch today.

So let's break this down.  Britney is competing in beauty pageants and realizes that she isn't winning because she has wrinkles?  (BTW, those are called dimples, sweetie, and you're supposed to have them.)  She complains to Kerry and tells her she doesn't look pretty with all these wrinkles.  Does Kerry tell her she's beautiful and she shouldn't worry so much about her looks and rather should focus on being a kind person who BEHAVES beautifully?  Does Kerry tell her that obviously the pageant world is affecting Britney's self esteem and maybe she should take a break and focus on being a little girl where her biggest worry should be if she should play with Rainbow Dash or her dollhouse today?

Nope.  Not at all.

Instead, Kerry laments to the other moms that she needs a secret weapon of some kind and the more seasoned pageant moms suggest Botox.  Kerry thinks to herself, Of course!  Botox!  Why didn't I think of that?  It's perfect for an 8 year old with borderline low self esteem who is already demanding a boob job and a nose job!  Let's do it!  And while we're at it, let's put hot wax on her body and rip all that unsightly hair out by its roots - it's so unladylike!  

I don't know who is more to blame here - Kerry or Britney.

Kerry is SUPPOSED to be the parent.  She is SUPPOSED to be voice of reason.  She turns around and blames it all on Britney.  "Well, Britney, wanted to do it."  Blah, blah, blah.  Of course Britney wanted to do it!  She's a spoiled rotten brat who obviously gets whatever she wants.

Kids want to do (and own) all kinds of asinine things and it's the parent's job to say NOOOOOO, over my dead body will you inject botulism into your face.  NOOOO, a four year old girl does not need Sketchers Shape Ups that tone and firm your butt and thighs!  (Yup, my kid wants those.)  NOOOO, a six year old boy does not need his own ITouch.  (Yup, the other one wants that.)

My other question is where the hell does Kerry get her stash of Botox and is she legally able to administer it??  I always thought you had to be doctor or a nurse supervised by a doctor to inject someone.  Who is supplying her and who trained her?  This stuff is dangerous if done improperly and for some reason I don't think Kerry is qualified to inject a monkey, let alone a human being.

Do you remember growing up when your mother would say "If so and so jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"  Now I feel like asking PARENTS "Hey Mom, if Amaryllis jumps off a bridge, does that mean Jaxon should too?  It sounds a bit dangerous don't you think?"

People like this should not be allowed to reproduce.  You have to jump through more hoops to adopt a damn dog than you do to have a kid.  There should be some kind of idiot test you must take before you're allowed to get pregnant.  Kerry would have failed.

It's Botox and body waxing now.  What will it be when my daughter is eight?  Clitoris and nipple piercings?  A skull tattoo inked on my son's scrawny bicep?  You think I'm joking, but just you wait.  The Shape Ups and iTouch will seem quaint.

Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon

Let me start by saying, I know she had twins, but did anyone else feel like Mariah Carey's pregnancy was double the normal length?  It has been a long 9 months!  How early in her pregnancy did she announce it to the world?  I just read they announced it six months ago.  Really?  Only six months ago?  Ugh, I feel like we've been on Mariah Carey baby watch for two years!

My other complaint about these two is their general lack of chemistry.  They are so blah together that I can't even believe they were able to get Mariah knocked up.  Whenever I see a picture of the two of them, I think "Oh look, it's Mariah Carey - is she still pregnant?? - and her assistant.  Oh wait, I think that's her husband what's-his-name."  They're weird when you see them together.  Mariah's always got that MILF thing going on and it always looks like Nick is thinking, "How much longer do I have to sleep with this old lady until people realize I'm someone too??"

If these were not reasons enough to punch these two, I read last night that the babies have been born.  There was a lot of speculation as to what Mariah and Nick would name their babies.  Hollywood is a tough town and there is a lot of pressure to be unique and interesting with your baby name picks.  There is a lot of pressure for the name to have a story.  When you're a celebrity you don't just look in a baby book and think, "Kinley is a cute name.  Let's do that one!"  No way!  That's why celebrity children have had some of the dumbest names I've ever heard:

Memphis Eve (Of course Bono would name his kid a stupid name.)

Apple  (Gwyneth thinks it's Biblical.  Sorta.  Kinda.)

Moses (That one is Biblical, Gwyneth.)

Pilot Inspektor  (Jason Lee must have been high.  He obviously gets high a lot and I think he just won't admit he was high when he named his kid.  He says he was inspired by a song's lyrics, but I'm not buying it.)

Kal-El  (Nic Cage really likes Superman.)

FiFi Trixiebelle Geldof (And people think MY kid has a dog name!?)

Coco (I actually think this is a cute name, but when I read WHY they named her Coco I decided I didn't like it.  Courtney Cox wanted to name her daughter Courtney Cox Arquette.  Wow.  Really?  Ugh.  Celebrities and their love for themselves.  David didn't like it because it went against his Jewish beliefs - who knew he was religious enough to care about anything?  So they decided on Coco as a nickname for Courtney Cox.  Crisis averted.)

Prince Michael II AKA Blanket (Crazy train.  I guess MJ felt he had to one up his brother Jermaine who named his kid Jermajesty.)

Rocket Rodriguez (Are his parents HOPING for a career in porn or they just figure with that name he can fall back on it if need be?  BTW he has siblings named Racer, Rebel and Rogue.  Forget porn, I think they're planning to save the world from aliens.)

Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow is taking that whole ultra-competitive thing to a new level with a stupid spelling AND a cutesy name combined.  Asshat.)

So, with all this pressure, Mariah and Nick had to pick not one - but two - ridiculously stupid names for their children.  How else could they expect to stay in the media spotlight?  Names like Audrey and Michael are NOT going to keep them on the Yahoo top trends list.  The names need to be fresh, original and don't forget the damn story!

Mariah and Nick picked Moroccan and Monroe.  In case you're wondering, Monroe is the girl name.  Of course it is.  That makes sense.

Here's the story:  Moroccan is named after a ROOM in Mariah's apartment.  A ROOM!  She has a Moroccan room in her apartment and she named her son after the ROOM!  I have a craft room in my house, I guess I should have named my son Crafty.  WTF?  I'm stunned they even admit that is the inspiration for their child's name.  Thank God she didn't love her bathroom or else the kid would be Commode or Toilet or Le Bains.

Monroe is named after Marilyn Monroe.  Not James Monroe, Founding Father and fifth President of the United States and the namesake of the Monroe Doctrine - that would be just weird.  Nope, Marilyn Monroe because Mariah is a huge fan.  So why not just name her Marilyn?  I guess that's too feminine.

I know celebrities are narcissistic douches who will do anything to keep the media attention focused on them and a good way to do it is to give their kids ridiculous monikers like Sage Moonblood and Audio Science (those are real names, BTW).  They need to realize that these are actual human beings and not cute little dogs they carry around in Prada bags.  These are real live people who have to function in society and even if their dad is Sly Stallone they're still going to get teased at school and laughed at during a job interview.