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My Super Hot Sex Dream?

Ugh, last night totally sucked.  My kids are bigger now and so we usually get to sleep through the night.

Last night both of my children decided to remind me what I was missing.

I actually got to bed at a decent hour last night (thank goodness, or I'd be napping right now instead of writing) and I'd been asleep about 2 hours when I realized I was having a conversation with the boy.  (FYI, there's been a question about whether or not I actually named them.  Of course, I've named my children, just would rather not tell you their names.  I make fun of children's names, imagine how many readers I'd lose if I told you I'd named my son Gomer and my daughter Adolpha?)

Back to my half coherent conversation with Gomer.



He was standing beside my bed telling me about a scary dream he had that woke him up.  He woke up and then he could hear voices in his room and footsteps in his closet and hissing noises coming from under his bed.

I woke up completely and started breaking it down for him:

The voices:  You listen to a radio all night long, because you don't like silence in your room.

The footsteps:  Your closet attaches to an unfinished attic space and you're hearing the wind creak the boards out there.

The hissing:  You have a cough so you have a humidifier in your room at the end of your bed.  It hisses steam.

Now go back to bed.

This did nothing to make him feel better.  Sooooo...I dragged my ass out of bed and trotted him back upstairs to his room.  We investigated all the noises and reconfirmed I was correct in my earlier assumptions.  He still was not 100% convinced.  I was exhausted and didn't want a fight.  I flopped into his bed and tried to sleep with him.

This was a terrible idea.  His room IS noisy and kinda of Creepy!  The floors do creak, the radio is ridiculously loud in a quiet house (even on a low volume setting), his nightlight blinded me and the stupid humidifier hissed.

I thought I would stay until he dozed off and then I'd slip out.  Instead, I managed to fall asleep.

That's when I had my sexy hot dream/nightmare.

It was a nightmare, but I think it was supposed to be a sex dream.  It started out with me knowing that I was cheating on the Hubs.  I was getting ready to go on a hot date.  Woohoo.  That's not the nightmare part. The nightmare part was that my lover was not good looking - not even a little bit.  He was scrawny and pasty.  And we weren't on a "date" we were cheating by shopping together at Target for our own children. We were in the shoe aisle and he asked if he could "steal a kiss."  I thought, OK, this should be good. Public sex or something kinky like that.  Nope.  He kissed my cheek, told me I should get a new pair of tennis shoes and moved on to the toy aisle!!

Shopping Alone is just a DREAM


Are you fucking kidding me?  How pathetic is this?  This is the best I can do?  Even in my own dreams I can't do any better than a scrawny guy at Target?  Where are the hotties?

I think what happened is that subconsciously I knew that I was sharing a bed with my son and so when my brain realized I was going to have a sexy dream my brain said, "OH hell no!  You stop right there, missy.  We are not going down that road.  You're going to Target with a dork and buying shoes.  You need new tennis shoes."

At least I hope that's what happened.  Otherwise, my subconscious thinks I'm a complete loser.  The Hubs would probably have some theory about how I'm so satisfied at home, I don't need to have sexy dreams. Nice theory, babe.

Regardless, because my dream was so unsatisfying, I woke up.  That's when I heard the girl leave her room calling for me.

I found her downstairs in my room looking for me.  She'd had a bad dream, because the boy had told her a spider lives under her bed.  Nice job, genius.  (This morning I made him tell her he killed it after breakfast.  Hopefully that will nip THAT in the bud.)

Ugh.  I marched her back upstairs and collapsed into bed with her and 1,000 stuffed animals, because again, not in the mood to fight.  I slept fitfully for the next few hours with her knee in my back and her hair in my mouth and a stuffed poodle for a pillow.

The Hubs woke us up around 8 am and I was actually pissed at him.

I was pissed because not once did he hear our children wake up and not once did he notice I was no longer in bed with him for most of the night.

Nope, that SOB slept like a baby and I was so pissed because I couldn't even make him jealous with my super hot sexy dream.

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63 comments:

  1. yep, been there. last night I was up 3 times with my kids (and they are also older, sleep throught the nighters) but DH wakes up this morning saying "I feel so refreshed. I slept GREAT-how about you?" I just gave him the stare of death.

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  2. Anonymous07:06

    My hubby sleeps like a corpse. He has NEVER been up in the night with our kids...ever. If we have a fire, he is going to die because he can't wake up and I can't carry him.

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  3. Lorna07:08

    Years ago one of my kids brought home a book on hearing from school. According to this book, you hear everything while you are asleep, but your brain determines what you need to know and what can be ignored. I think most male brains don't have "my child has woken up and needs something" on the need to know list.

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  4. Anonymous07:10

    once after a night like that up half the night with both kids my hub gets up and says " I didnt sleep at all last night" really because as I was dealing with two sick kids all night I couldnt get you to stop snoring.

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  5. I thought you were funny after the "Elf on the Shelf" blog, but lately you've become annoying, whiney and you're trying way too hard.

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  6. Did you just recently change your options in RSS? I'm only getting partial posts. Just wanted to let you know b/c a lot of people won't click over to the blog to continue reading the post. However, I did click over and laughed :)

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  7. When our kids woke up we would put them in bed with us. Not because we believed in a, "family bed" but our of sheer laziness. I am usually the one who woke up while my wife snoozed on unconcerned. I get my revenge though because when they are sick our kids always vomit on my wife.

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  8. Anonymous07:36

    We used to call it Musical Beds....

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  9. @ Dana, I'm pretty sure you unfairly expect EVERY one of her posts to be like the Elf on the Shelf one. Don't be so unrealistic. Maybe you could start a blog and be as witty and funny. But you won't, instead you'll read someone else's and then criticize them when they don't meet your ridiculous standards. If you don't like what she has to say, stop reading it. It's not like you're paying her to make you laugh.

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  10. @Dana, that was a pretty rude comment to make. Reading this blog isn't mandatory. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all.
    @Jen, thanks for your blog. I look forward to reading it :).

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  11. @ Dana, next time hit the little red X or the back button. Better yet, stop reading her blog or start one of your own!

    @ Jen, I absolutely love following your blog. I have had similar experiences (minus the non-sexy/hot dream). Thank you for sharing!

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  12. Wait are those the names of your kids or just a joke?

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  13. Anonymous08:34

    I'm with Dana. Constant bitching gets old.

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  14. Anonymous08:38

    I thought this blog was about people who make you "whine and bitch" no one is making you read it's

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  15. Really?! Um if you dont think this shit is funny...something's wrong with you! I appreciate her taking her time out of her day to make me (us) laugh. If you don't like it, don't let the laptop hit ya in the ass on the way out!!!

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  16. If you dont like it dont read it. Jen I also enjoy your blog and can relate to what you are saying. Thanks!!!!

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  17. You're hilarious! Keep writing.... I think we share a brain.

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  18. Anonymous09:33

    You people complaining about the whining are idiots. Take a look at the blog's title.

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  19. This made me laugh out loud. Not because I relate to getting up with kids (and I do or I did mine are 15 and 11) but becaue your subconscious thinks you should have a hot date with a loser at Target. THAT is funny. Don't let the haters get you down. Keep doing what you are doing.

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  20. I want to punch the nay sayers in the throat. Kudos Jen. I love having you as my pretend friend, like I do Manic Mommies erin and kristen

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  21. @Jen, I think your hilarious! Every post is unique and still manages to make me laugh. ignore the rude comments, or just visualize punching them in the throat. Cheers!

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  22. Love your blog, it makes my day...and to the 'haters', why read if you don't like it?

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  23. I love this blog, I showed up for elf on the shelf, and got hooked like an addict. I check it daily to get my daily dose of laughs and snickers, and I appreciate you posting some of your back blogs as well, i did spend a full night binging on some back posts but as i have 2 young crazy boys I didn't get to look at all as I succumbed to exhaustion . So I love that you have these lil gems from April, or august pop up if there isn't a new post. Keep me hooked! Now for my comment relating to the topic, my boys are 5 and 2 and thus sleeping through the night Most of the time, but as the 2 year old only changed from crib to bed 2 months ago ( and realizing he can shuffle in our room settle himself and bear horizontally b/ me n hubby on pillow and kick us in the face all night long). It took many trips by me ( the sahm ) in the middle of night back to bed several times to get him settled to stay there..... Or stay there until hubby goes to work with alarm clock at 5:30 bc that alarm calls both of them to come jump into bed as soon as he leaves for an hour of rest preluding the wrestling tournament that will occur on top of me in an hour to wake me for the day So anyway I digress, hence why I don't comment on blogs usually. But entire point of this was to Announce my hubby needed to be punched in throat bc he suggested I go get 2 year old out of crib to sleep with us last night, WTF???? Bc he's our baby n so fun n I miss him. After all my early morning trips yeah I'd love to confuse the kid!

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  24. Yikes, that was really long, sorry

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  25. Elizabeth10:06

    It must just be a week to be kept up, kids or not. My husband was breathing too loud for my brain to handle last night, so at 3 am I put in headphones. Sadly, the album I chose must have been too exciting for me because I stayed awake about an hour singing the lyrics in my head- half digging the music and half ticked off that I was still awake. I finally fell asleep, and by 6am our insane cat starting meowing. You see, she is on a schedule with the husband and gets frantic if he doesn't get up and pet her in the morning. So, days off for him end up with us both awake nice and early since she doesn't understand that throwing her halfway across the room means "go away!".

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  26. I used to call my stepson The Boy too. I did it so much that people I knew personally didn't know his real name.

    I have to sleep with sound in my room but I use one of those sound machines set to white noise.

    May your Boy (Gomer) could use that so he'd hear static instead of the radio. Then he wouldn't wake you up because he heard voices. I can't do anything about the creaks, sorry.

    And I agree with the other comments about Dana. I nominate the she be moved to the front of the People I Want to Punch in the Face line.

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  27. Anonymous10:31

    Although Dana's comment was said in a rude way... I must say I somewhat agree. "elf" was hilarious. "Christmas lights" funny... Now I must say this "dream" blog didn't even get a small chuckle. It actually made me uncomfortable. I, for one, am not reading anymore. You people are right. I don't have to read. So I won't anymore... I stayed hoping it would get funny again. Good luck to you Jen.

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  28. Anonymous11:09

    I like the people on attack here. Let's see, this blog is about constant bitching and whining but when someone doesn't like it, you bitch and moan too. Here's who I want to punch in the throat: YOU! Ok, maybe just a mini punch. Because let's face it, this shit is stupid. I love when people live in a great house, have 2 great kids, in award winning schools, a seeming great husband, yet still have the need to sit and bitch because you have no REAL problems to complain about. How about you bitches spend your seemingly endless supply of free time and volunteer at a church or a homeless shelter so maybe you'll see how privileged your life really is. Get a real problem already.

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  29. Gomer is a great name. Much better than Goner, which is what autocorrect keeps insisting on naming him. Love your blog! I want to punch my husband in the throat when he lies in bed AWAKE while I take care of a crying baby at 3a.m. Which is worse? Awake hubby who doesn't help or one that just doesn't wake up? I guess both stink!!! http://musing-momma.blogspot.com

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  30. Michelle11:15

    Jen. Makes me laugh. My hubby also NEVER hears Anyting. Yet gets annoyed when he wakes up to the girl sleeping in between us and the boy on our floor. I'm just too damn tired and lazy to do anything but bring them to bed with me.
    All you haters this isn't a one liner comedy show... It's a freakin blog about shit that happens in life that we find fucking irritating!!! It's funny cuz we can RELATE. You must have boringly perfect perky lives... Blah!!!

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  31. Christi11:20

    Apparently there have been studies which show women are typically lighter sleepers than men, and that it's probably connected to child-rearing (let's face it, when baby wakes up hungry at three AM we're the ones with the built-in food supply). My experience with my three-week-old and my husband bears this out--though hubby is pretty good about taking a late-night shift when I need it, even if I do have to elbow him in the gut to wake him up.

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  32. Jen Too11:20

    The boy. I do it too. I swear I'm reading my own thoughts on this blog. Keep it up sista! Love it!

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  33. LOL!! glad i'm not the only one whose significant other is deaf when it comes to children at night!! xoxo

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  34. Anonymous12:40

    Love the blog. just wanted to agree with the person above who commented about the partial RSS feeds. I will still click through but it would make my day if you changed it back! P.S. You're so pretty! :)

    Lauren

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  35. So Jen who gets the Punch in the Throat in this story? The kids for waking you, the husband for not waking up at all, or how about yourself for the lame Target dream? Inquiring minds want to know...

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  36. All of us get the punch.

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  37. This is the main reason i don't look forward to big girl beds!

    Write what you want to write. You can't please everyone, and when you start trying, it'll stop being fun.

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  38. Another vote to change the RSS feed back. I don't like to click over, so if it doesn't I'm afraid I'll have to unfollow, which is a shame because I do enjoy your blog.

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  39. That dream sucks. You better go read some smut and have a better one. My husband would say the same crap. Like if I get sick it's from lack of sex. Yeah, right!

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  40. Priceless! That. was. a. riot! I have lived this from the musical beds to the weird nonfulfilling sex dream (I like to think that's due to the lack of good sleep - how can you even dream about good sex if you aren't even getting good sleep a couple nights a week?). Too funny!

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  41. mu husband's "dream twin" always gets gets him in trouble!
    Staci

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  42. On the names of your kids...We sold something on craigslist and the family came to pick it up, they introduced their children as ZOE and GROVER...I thought that must be what they name their children when they are meeting strangers...a year or two later I was talking to a friend turns out she knew them and those were their REAL names!!! So I totally understand your reluctance to post names but even the crazy ones could be REAL!! :-) When I am down I think about that family and laugh...and sing the sesame street song.

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  43. How is it that bitching and moaning doesn't compare to punching people in the throat? Isn't that bitching anyway? I used to have a device that made explosion noises when I pointed it at other drivers and pushed the button. If you cut me off, you would virtually "die." It made me happy. It broke. How is that not bitching and moaning. I love bitching and moaning. It makes me forget the HUGE, REAL, DEVASTATING problems in my life that I don't really want to think about all the time.

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  44. Anonymous09:33

    You are so stinking funny & refreshing to read ... please keep 'em coming. It's great to read a blog that is so 'real'. Please ignore the haters ... why are they even on here?? Go elsewhere if you're going to be mean.

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  45. @Jen.. I love that you are real!! F$%# everyone else who can't enjoy the humor in everyday situations. it's called LIFE people laugh at it while you can!

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  46. Why bother to write a rude comment? Love your blog! Thanks for writing!!!

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  47. Anonymous10:48

    People I want to punch in the throat.....rude commenters. F them.

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  48. My ex-husband stupidly made the comment to a group of friends once, "As far as I know, the kid sleeps through the whole night", about our 3 mos. old colicky daughter...I think I know who gets the punch this time. :) Thanks for making me laugh openly and obnoxiously!

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  49. BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Friggin awesome. Somehow I missed this earlier in the week. My loss! I had a crappy week with sick babes on a school vaca week... dammit.

    At the zipperhead who remarked you need to get real problems; I hope they don't burn their tongue on the hot soup they selflessly prepared for the homeless at the sacrifice of time missed with their adoring friends and family. I hope it drops on their crotch instead because with that kind of outlook, its the only hot juiciness they're likely to encounter in the coming year.

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  50. Susan22:12

    I laughed out loud at your subconscious making you date a dork at Target! I actually thought this was funnier than the Elf on the Shelf post! (That's probably partly because I actually LIKE the Elf-haha).

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  51. Love your blog, rude commenters? Screw them. It's like the crazy idiots I saw on the news in my hillbilly area wanting to ban "Glee" (which has its own issues I realize)...but these crazies wanted to ban it, or at least show it way after their children went to bed... because the "issues" they cover in the show (teen sex, homosexuality, relationships, etc)... those issues make their children ask questions and may lead to in depth conversations... wtf??? Shouldn't a parent be THANKFUL That their children ask them questions about important things they are going to encounter in life???? Just shows people don't like talking to their kids. Fucksticks.

    Turn the channel if you don't like it, if you don't think Jen is funny then stop clicking her link, GAH. Isn't rocket science.

    love ya Jen

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  52. Dana02:48

    (I'm not the Dana who made the rude comment!!!) Love this blog, it definitely keeps me side tracked for way too long during the day. Anyhow, i totally know how you feel about the up all night with the kids. My husband sleeps through everything and he's a cop and coroner, who gets called in. I do the waking usually, not the phone. I'm a night owl but when i get to nap or sleep my husband like seriously gets upset at me for resting. He works shift work so he works nights for 2 weeks and then days for 2 weeks. My 4 year old basically sleeps in bed with me. This irritates him. Is this really that big of a deal, 90% of the time it's just her and I. Her room is on the opposite side of the house i feel safer with her next to me. I really didn't mind birthing my child but men, should have gotten a touch of a motherly internal clock or my husband is just lazy and i'm suppose to be super mom working full time, caring for my daughter full time, and cleaning full time. While he eats, sleeps, shits, and works. lol. You say so many things i would love to say out loud. We think a lot alike.

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  53. Anonymous18:15

    I honestly don't know which is worse. The husband/father who sleeps and gets up in the morning saying how refreshed he is and what a great night of sleep he had, or the husband/father who sleeps, even snores, yet claims he didn't sleep 'at all' last night. I have to deal w/the latter. I don't think I've slept a full night since I gave birth (ten yrs. ago). Motherhood really did a number on my sleeping patterns. Yet, to hear him tell the stories, WE were walking zombies, bc of lack of sleep, when our child was a newborn, WE never get sleep when our child is ill...I'm like 'What's with all the 'we's'. You were snoozing away all night, even when I was pounding on you and begging you to help.' It's not that I necessarily expect a heartfelt apology...I wouldn't want ANYONE to have my sleeping issues, and regardless, I know it's very common that men just don't hear things like we, mothers do. But, don't be taking all the credit...HONEY!

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  54. I frequently tell my husband that I could be murdered in the bed next to him and he would never even twitch! A train could plow through the house and he wouldn't hear it... or so he wants me to believe. I sometimes wonder if he 'chooses' not to hear (maybe subconsciously) so he won't have to get up and deal with the kids...he knows I will do it!?

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  55. Sally O'Poe09:53

    Girl, I just laughed out loud and woke up my sleeping dog (rat terrier.) This normally wouldn't be a bad thing, but the damn dog jumped up and knocked my coffee onto my new kindle fire. (FYI, if u wipe coffee off your kindle with your jeans all is good. ) now I must make more coffee. Love your blot.

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  56. sonocyndi19:31

    "OH hell no! You stop right there, missy. We are not going down that road.

    I laughed so hard my boy came out of his room to ask me what was so funny...and got mad that I wouldn't tell him! Still giggling...

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  57. Anonymous11:51

    Pretty funny, domestically speaking.
    Chk me out. A bit tougher and more personal.
    Wouldn't invite u if I Thot u were a pussy.
    Matthewhowardsnotinmyworld. (blog)

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  58. Anonymous23:36

    Wow. Not quite sure how anyone could come to a blog titled "People I Want to Punch in the Throat" and not be expecting exactly what you're delivering. I, like the majority of your readers (sorta by definition, I'd imagine), love it.

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  59. In bed, with the girl between us, and laughing so loud I hope she doesn't wake. Toooooooo freakin' funny!!!!

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  60. I have a three year old who's potty training, and juuuust starting to sleep in panties. I will keel over dead the night my husband gets up in the middle of the night, changes her sheets and puts the wet ones in the wash on the correct cycle, manages to get her back to sleep with a clean blanket, and climbs back in bed without bitching about how inconvenient that was. Yep. I would die if all that went down. But it won't because he never hears her, and when he does he bitches.

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  61. I pretend to be asleep so the hubs has to wake up. The children poke on him anyway lol.

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  62. My oldest is starting potty training too, and is starting to HATE diapers. Throws a damn fit if we try to put one on her for nap/bed time. However once it's on she's OK... >_< However she's now started to have night terrors... Oh yes, waking up screaming, trying to climb the walls, and over the baby gate we have in her door (Otherwise she has this thing of "Oh, Mom's sleeping! I must get into EVERYTHING!!!") So it's up to me to get up, get her calmed down and back in bed. HOWEVER, she will NOT fall asleep unless i'm in here with her (Toddler beds are VERY fucking uncomfortable...) and if she falls asleep, and I go to move to go to my own bed, she's instantly awake and crying for me not to leave.... I'm debating setting up a tent and air mattress in her room... -_- The 10 month old boy is fine. wakes up at 5AM, wants a bottle. and goes back to sleep until 9/9:30... /sigh

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