People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Just A Few Things For the Week

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Just A Few Things For the Week


I know, I know.  How grumpy can I be this week?  I started the week with 70 awesome followers and I was thrilled if I got 300 page views in a day and then I caught a fever and now I passed 1 million page views, I've got over 1,000 awesome NEW followers here on the blog and over 19,000 amazing people on  Facebook who have "Liked" my page.  It's been a pretty fucking awesome week.

But you know me, I've always got something that's irritating me, so here come some mini-punches:

1.  Random strangers who "worry" about my children's childhood.  With all the attention the blog received this week, I was consumed by love from so many people (thank you, thank you).  HOWEVER, there were several detractors out there too (thank you, thank you for giving me inspiration to write this post).

I really touched a nerve with this whole Elf thing and apparently because I don't make snow angels in flour or write notes from the Elf to my children and I bitch about occasionally forgetting to move their elf, my children are suffering greatly and I should probably be investigated.  No one came right out and said, "Call Child Protective Services!" but many "worried" and "felt bad for" my kids.  A lot of people are concerned I do nothing all day but sit in front of the computer, swilling beer and harping on "good" mommies while my children eat their own feces and bang their heads against the wall trying to get my attention.  Someone even suggested I don't like being a mom.

To that person, I'd like to give a very special "Fuck you very much."  Being a mom is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't need to move a goddamned doll around my house to prove that.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'd like to put these other concerns to rest.

I tend to write early in morning (it's 4 am right now and my children are safely sleeping in their beds upstairs - I think) or while my children are at school.  The Hubs and I are both self-employed and work from home so when our children are not at their schools they are home with us (daycare just isn't for me) and if I need to write while my children are here, I have the Hubs to attend to their every whiny need. (Whoops, the worried moms aren't going to like that I called them whiny - but they are sometimes!)  

It is true, I don't believe in making every single waking moment of their precious lives spectacular and wonderful.  (The worried moms got that part right.)  I don't think that's a bad thing and I definitely don't think that makes me a bad mother.  I think that by treating every moment with them like it's a fucking miracle is doing them a disservice down the road and I think it turns them into self-indulgent little nightmares now.

You know what?  This ain't Disneyland and the sooner they realize that, the better.  Some days are just boring and they suck and the sooner my kids realize that and learn how to entertain themselves, the better.  I can't be responsible for all their happiness - some of it has to come from within.  What's going to happen when they're 20 and still looking to me to make them happy?  Right now it's easy, but if I keep raising that bar, by the time they're 20 what can I do for them to make them happy?  It's not funny when a 6 year old throws a temper tantrum because he's bored, what will it be like when a 20 year old pitches a fit because he's bored?

Not to worry, we do make memories as a family.  Just yesterday, I actually put down my beer and pushed my fat ass away from the computer for an hour to take lunch to my kids at school.  It was not a Bento Box filled with organic, homemade food with sandwiches cut into the shapes of dinosaurs or anything like that.  It was a Happy Meal - flame away.

We went and looked at Christmas lights last night after dinner.  Hell, tonight, I took them Christmas caroling in our neighborhood!  Christmas caroling, people!  I wanted to punch myself when we were done - but I did it.  BTW, both kids will remember this night, just in different ways.  The boy had a blast.  He was surrounded by his friends running through the neighborhood like a feral animal singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs.  The girl never opened her mouth to sing and after two houses, she begged to go home.  I didn't say every memory we're making is a good one!

We read Harry Potter last night before bed.  (I sure hope someone forwarded my blog to J.K. this week.  If you're reading this - I love you, J.K.!  Call me!)

I read to my kids, I play games (video and board) with them, I talk to them, I make crafts with them, I volunteer at their schools, I cuddle them, I even spoil them occasionally (aren't we all guilty of this?), I dress them like tiny rockstars, they are always well-fed and happy most of the time.  They have a beautiful home to live in that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  They attend award-winning schools and live in a safe community.  They have a social calendar that would make a Kardashian cry.

So, please don't "worry" another second about my children, because it really bugs the shit out of me and this time I was nice, next time I won't be so polite.

2.  Anyone who thought my Holiday Letter was legit.  (It was probably the same people who worry about my kids.)  I just want to be clear here:  my blog is meant to be funny.  It's called sarcasm.  If you can't get sarcasm, then I'm not sure we can be friends.  There seem to be a lot of other blog options out there for you to try.  Google "Cutest Little Blog Award" and see what pops up.  I bet you'll find your kind of people there.

3.  The guy who sat behind me at "Breaking Dawn."  I went to see "Breaking Dawn".  (Yes, I'm a TwiMom - is anyone surprised?)  The movies are absolutely laughable, but I still have to go and see them.  I was totally Team Edward while I was reading the books - Jacob is such a whiny bitch he actually makes Bella seem pleasant.  Once I saw who they cast, I was over Edward.  My dilemma is that Rob is the only actor who is legal, so I can't publicly fawn over Taylor's abs.  I'll just say when I see Jacob standing shirtless in the cold rain, I laugh out loud, but at the same time I appreciate the view.  It's about time a male actor was made to do some gratuitous topless shots.

My friend was going to go with me.  After much wrangling of our schedules and childcare options, we finally found a midday show that would work for both of us.  At the eleventh hour, she was reminded she'd offered to babysit a neighbor's kid and had to back out.  Since I'd already found a babysitter for my daughter and I was in the mindset to see Jake's abs and Edward's blinding lack of abs, I went ahead and went alone.

I thought I'd have the theatre to myself.  Middle of a weekday...teenybopper movie...Boy, was a I mistaken.  Apparently, there is a large number of seniors who are into "Twilight" as well.  TwiFogeys?  The theatre was full of groups of older women and several elderly couples.  I actually stepped out and checked the marquee to make sure I was in the right place.  It was correct.

OK then.

I found a seat and the movie started.  The man behind me wheezed a lot through the movie.  I'm used to noisy distractions in "Twilight" movies, but usually it's caused by teenagers making out and I have go all "mom" them and yell, "Would you please just SHUSH???"  (Yeah, I said, "Shush."  Those are someone's kids, and as much as I'd like to, I just can't say "Shut the fuck up, you half wits, Edward is proposing!!")

I tuned out the wheezing and focused on the horrible makeup job on the vampires.  (The budgets keep getting bigger for these movies, but they can't seem to find a good makeup artist who knows how to blend.  A vampire does not have a pasty face and a tanned (tan-ish in Edward's case) neck and chest.

About halfway through the movie, the man stopped wheezing and coughed.  Not a little cough like cough, cough.  But a COUGH, COUGH.  He coughed so hard my hair moved in his "breeze"!  I thought, Fabulous.  Now I've got typhoid.


Sure enough, that night I was puking my guts out.  Fourteen bucks worth of popcorn absolutely wasted.  Nice job, Typhoid Larry!

4.  Holiday cookie exchanges.  One more thing to worry about during this festive season.  I've actually noticed my invites for cookie exchanges dropped off this year - I don't think I'm making the cut anymore.  I'm OK with that, actually.  There are things I'm good at, but holiday baking is not one of them.  I do not have the patience necessary to decorate adorable sugar cookies or dip cake balls or whip up amazing Snickerdoodles.  Presentation means nothing to me.  I have no problem slapping my slice and bake cookies on a paper plate and calling it done.

I hate bringing home cookies from the cookie exchange.  What if they're horrible?  I know mine are, so chances are someone else's are too.  I'm really picky about who baked the cookies too.  There's always that crazy cat lady who comes and brings Peanut Butter Blossoms.  PBBs are my favorites, but I'm afraid I'll find a cat hair in them.  I did once - this is where my fear comes from.

I'll leave my cookies, but I try not to bring any home.  I'll say I'm trying to watch what I eat or something lame like that.  Then the hostess will say, "Take some to give as gifts!"

Give as gifts?  Do I want that on my record?  Do I really want to give my mailman fur-laced Peanut Butter Blossoms?  Or my kid's teacher chocolate covered hockey pucks?  No, no, no.  It's bad enough that I expect my family to eat these unknown cookies, but I can't give them as gifts!

5.  Pinterest.  Can someone please explain this to me?  I got an account a few months ago when I needed new garage doors.  I was trying to find a design I liked and a friend directed me to Pinterest.  She warned me I'd be on there for "hours."

I bet I haven't spent one hour on Pinterest.  I must be a complete idiot, because I can't figure out how to work the damn thing.  I can re-pin other's finds, but I can't pin my own findings.  People find me and follow me, but I can't seem to follow back.  I can search it and find some cool shit to pin like amazing kitchens and playrooms, but I'm not sure why I'm pinning this stuff since my house looks nothing like these homes and I could never recreate these rooms in my house.  I noticed my blog is on Pinterest and I didn't even know you could "pin" a blog.

I don't get it and I know a lot of you do.  Educate me.  Tell me what I'm missing.

6.  In that same vein is Twitter.  My SIL emailed me yesterday and told me that my blog was all over "The Twitter."  This cracked me up, because I don't even know how to tweet.  I'm a twat?  Ugh.  The Hubs spent a couple hours today figuring out Twitter and getting an account set up for me @Throat_Punch.  Now I've got followers and I don't know what to do/say to them.  I don't know the etiquette of Twitter.  Do you tweet your every movement (bowels included)?  Do you just repost stuff?  What's with the hashtags?

Do I really need to be on Twitter?  What's the point?  Again, tell me what I'm missing.





135 comments:

  1. I love that your blog mirrors my thoughts...cant help you with the whole Twitter thing, or Typhoid Larry for that matter, but thanks for the laugh...

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  2. I love your blog! I am so glad that I am one of the many who got to see your Elf post and have not stopped talking about it! I am a mother of two boys and anyone who can not see that you are taking reality and putting a fun sarcastic twist to it deserves to be punched in the face! Can't wait to read more!

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  3. I am so glad I found you!!! Finally a mommy blog that is real and relatable. I am always the only one at events not video taping every little moment of "suzy's" life.I also am the mom left off the cookie exchange guest list and that is 100% OK with me. This is great!! A great way to start my morning. Glad someone else parents the same way I do :) Also a twimom, which I have to hide from the rest of the PTA..lol.. Keep up the good work!

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  4. You would have LOVED this thing I had to endure last night for my girl. A big lit up Christmas Zoo with Santa, little, lame, non working, dusty, thrown together holiday scenes that I had to pay $20 to get in to. The parents were more entitled than the kids, cutting in line and looking at me like I'm crazy, go in the exit, pushing past us to be next in line, then telling their kids to make sure to say "please" and "thank you". I wanted to hang myself. The girl liked it though. All I could think of was "I wish Jen was with me right now for this shit"! LOL. Merry Christmas!

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  5. HAHAHAHA!! You crack me up!! I read your blog to my hubs, and he always says, she sounds just like you. I love it cause I am not much of a writer, or do I have the devotion to do a blog, I have started a few, but that last about a day and then something shiny catches my attention. Keep up the awesome work, Oh and just a word to the wise for all the "do gooders" that need to tell you how horrible of a parent you are....here is some advice, if you do not agree, just do not read it....damn is that so hard to figure out!! Love the blog keep em coming!!! You make the day in the life of me, enjoyable!!

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  6. HYSTERICAL!!!!! I totally get the sarcasm, you are officially the first blog I have ever followed, snark away, i love it!

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  7. I love your BLOG - never got into them until I found yours and I LOVE the sarcasm. By the way, found you on FB when someone posted your Elf on Shelf Blog...

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  8. So glad I found you! (I think you can thank the damn Elf for all your new followers.) If I wrote a blog, I think it would sound just like yours, especially the part about Pinterest. WTF?!??

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  9. I have a twitter account, but rarely tweet. I would love for you to tweet when you do a new post, though! I will be your next follower. You crack me up! Most women just need a job, IMO! Most of the blogs I follow just tweet what they put on Facebook. I know you can put a link on Twitter to your blog. Don't really know how, though! Merry Christmas!

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  10. Love, love, love your wit and especially your SARCASM. Keep it coming sister, there's a lot more people who could use a good punch in the throat.

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  11. you are the absolute best and owe no one a bit of explanation on anything and you sure as hell don't need to defend yourself as a mother...I think exactly like you and obviously we are not alone. You rock sista...keep it up!

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  12. My kids and I love our blog. They are older teens so it's ok. I'm sure they are mom's saying wtf to the statement. Our family lives on sarcasm and it gets us into some trouble w/ the non-sarcastic people.
    Thanks for starting my day w/ a laugh.

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  13. Omg I totally don't get pinterest either and for the life of me, I can't understand why anyone would want to follow me on it? There's nothing to follow!!

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  14. Everyone on FB pointed me to your Elf On The Shelf blog and said you must have channeled me. We are kindred spirits! I've always been more of an Erma Bombeck girl than a Martha Stewart wannabe. Thanks for being a voice for the moms who do love their kids but don't live for cookie exchanges.

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  15. "A social calendar that would make a Kardashian cry"....I am SO stealing that!!!!! You crack my s?#$ UP

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  16. It was the damn Elf that got me hooked. I sat at work at laughed my ass off. Read ur older blogs and now im hooked. I was out with my 12 yr old son at a Five Below on friday, he was christmas shopping, and there were lots of ppl i wanted to punch in the throat or anywhere for that matter!

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  17. Totally love your blog and your sarcasm! Let’s check back with the "perfect" Moms in about 25 years and see how their children are doing compared to ours. Let’s see who’s independent and successful and who's still living in the basement.

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  18. You'll love Twitter! You can use it to shamelessly promote your blog or follow other funny mummies (@TheBloggess, @JulieALindsey) for inspiration. You might also want to read Lela Anderson's Blacklisted from the PTA - hysterical, right in your vein. She's @Lela_Anderson on Twitter). I'll follow you now. Tweet me @go_galt if you need more guidance on "The Twitter."

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  19. I deleted my twitter account because it just made me feel stupid. I think they should offer a class. I am a Pinterest nerd, but I'm probably doing it wrong. I steal a million ideas and pin them to my boards, but I'll never do them. It's like window shopping. It just kills time. I literally gagged at the typhoid Larry story. Adults that don't cover their mouths when they cough need punched in the throat immediately. Don't worry. Your blogs are funny and everyone with a sense of humor can see that. REAL bad moms don't go bragging about it. Do they?

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  20. A) I look forward to reading your blog on a daily basis. I'm catching up on old posts. HYSTERICAL. B) Pinterest. You create an account and then you can create board titles. When you're surfing the web and you see a dress you like or a cute craft idea in a blog, you click a button that allows you to choose what "picture" you like from the website you're on, and it allows you to place it in a board of your choosing. Those are all the pictures you see on people's boards. It just categorizes things for people. Kind of like the bookmark/favorite feature in your web browser, but it looks much cuter as pictures on a board.

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  21. I am loving your blog and FB posts everyday, thank you! You say everything I think which I appreciate ; ) I would LOVE to see a post on sister-in-laws...I need HELP in that department. Thank you for your sarcastic blog. (mine sucks and I hardly do it anymore).

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  22. The hash tags confused me too. The Bearded Iris did a very entertaining and detailed post about twitter...you can probably search her blog for it.

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  23. I'm one of your new followers and loving you. We do have an Elf, who just sits there. He does not make angels in flour, because I can't be bothered to clean it up (I work during the day) and he doesn't draw on frames, because if he's suppose to spy on my child, and tell Santa if he's been good or not, why would Santa send a trouble maker elf? Oh, and I also have a pinterest account and don't get it.

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  24. I'm in a bit of a panic that the title of your post is "Just a Few Things For The Week." Does this mean this is all we're getting for the week? Please say "NO" because I need a daily dose of your wit and sarcasm. No pressure :)

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  25. God I love you. lol

    I'm a pinterest nerd - just because I like to look at fashion and food ideas. But as for twitter - stupidest trend ever and I can't wait for it to go away. But...yeah, good luck with it. :P

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  26. I think I love you. You are the Kansas version of me.

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  27. oh hell I have no clue what the fuss about pinterest is either. Lots of pretty pictures pinned that I'll never look at again. And no one has been able to give me a better answer than that.

    Anyway, love the blog.

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  28. Holy crap. You crack me up.

    I'm sure your other fans will help you out with Pinterest (and once you get it this will become you: http://pinterest.com/pin/272819689896377697/ )

    As for Twitter, you can hook that right up to your FB Fan page so that you never actually have to physically Tweet. Social Media for the lazy if you will. Just go to www.facebook.com/twitter and follow a couple quick steps. You'll never have to tweet a day in your life. And if you want the Trifecta of laziness, link your blog up to your fan page (via Networked Blogs) and whenever you post here on your blog, it'll post to your fan page...which will then post to your Twitter. Three birds, one stone.

    I used to blog too, and have a great TweetDeck tutorial I'd be happy to email you if youd like. TweetDeck is a platform for Twitter that makes it MUCH more bearable to use. Helps you interact with your peeps more. If you'd like it, just shoot me an email at mgivens07 @ gmail . com

    Happy punching! (and if this just posted 18 times, I'm sorry...kinda)

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  29. I think I love you. No not in that creepy stalker way. The way that makes me crack up when I read your posts. I actually relate to what you're saying and get it.

    I have a twitter, it's "parked" so no one could take MY name. I've twitted (?) twatted (?) whatever a whole 3 times and those were just so I could enter a contest. No, I didn't win.

    I have a pinterest too. I do use that to collect up all my fun crafty ideas that I no longer have time for since I have a 4 month old terrorist that doesn't sleep. Like you, I can't figure the damn thing out. But I can pin stuff!

    Keep up the sarcastic snarking, :)

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  30. I wonder what those perfect Mom's would say if they knew yesterday morning my husband came running into our bedroom with the little PIA and threw him at me saying we forgot again! I shoved him (elf, not my husband) under my pillow and here we are the next morning and guess where he still is?? Yup, under my pillow. I guess since the kids are still sleeping I will go through him in middle of the living room floor and tell the kids the elf destroyed the tree last night, not the cats.
    Love your blog, it was the first thing I checked this morning! BTW, if not understanding Twitter means you're a twat, I'm a twat too.

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  31. Three words for you; SO FUCKING FUNNY!
    I look forward to your blogs and I feel the dame way you do about everything in this blog! By the way, I'm not on Twitter or pinterest, but I hear I'm missing a lot by not being on.

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  32. This is seriously my favorite thing to read. I absolutely love this blog. This is actually the only blog that I follow, as it is the only one that is realistic, and hilarious all in one!

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  33. Omg! We could be sisters with our sarcasm and attitude towards overachieving moms. I totally get the whole Twilight thing. I took my 12 year old son to see Hangover 2. Why?some moms might ask? Because I didn't allow him to see the first one and then found out he watched it at my sister in laws house. So I figured if he's going to watch it, he's going to be uncomfortable with me next to him watching it with him. I also thought it can't get worse than the first one, I was wrong! The good thing is, I don't think either of our kids will ever grow up to be deranged psychopaths because we haven't raised them to believe that they get everything they want and that life is full of disappointments. Keep up the great work you do and I'll keep reading! Thanks and Merry Christmas

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  34. God I love you! I live in a small community full of stay at home super mommies and I work long days and half the weekend. I can't live up to all the annoying Facebook posts the supermoms are constantly posting, but my daughter and I share an incredible bond and love, and mutual respect. So anyway, thank you. I feel like I'm right where I should be in my life and I can finally stop comparing myself to all the others and beating myself up over it.

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  35. Thank you for the laugh I get each day reading your blog! It so nice to know that my warped brain is NOT alone and someone else is doing the same thing I am with my kids....my 3 know how to entertain themselves and have never needed me to do it for them, which is good since I have no interest in making up crap for them to do just to keep busy! :)

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  36. I never even knew about the Elf thing until I read it on your blog. My kids are getting the shaft because of my lack of knowledge when it comes to these kids of things. Oh well, I guess I'll pass the buck and blame my upbringing.

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  37. I love your blog!!! Please don't worry about people that don't get your criticism...keep writing for the ones that do. I emailed a link to your blog to my husband so that he knows he is not alone in the smart ass sarcastic wife area. Keep writing.

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  38. You know who needs a punch in the throat? These skinny women who insist that they're fat. Then they post on Facebook every morsel they put in their mouths, every workout and then they cry on weigh in day.

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  39. Your such a badass! And I mean that in a good way! Keep posting your thoughts and rants...there are many of us who think and live the same way.

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  40. You are awesome. I used to get on Facebook and my status updates about my kids and parenting and my sucky life in general drew much concern and unsolicited advice. SOME people got it and thought I was funny, but for the most part, I felt like people got the wrong idea about me and thought I was a horrible mother. So I went off FB and started a blog. I don't have as many readers as you (I think I have, like, 10. Ha), but at least it's a space where I can bitch and whine and so far no ugly comments from all the "perfect" moms out there who consider their children nothing but "blessings". Gag. I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!! You keep it real.

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  41. Sister..I BOW to you.
    Another sarcastic mommy posted the Elf story on FB. I read it at work and laughed my ass off.
    The over achieving mommies can suck it! So can twitter and pinterest.
    You keep writing..we'll keep reading!
    Love Love Love you!

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  42. In the past I've made the mistake of saying stuff like this... out loud... AT whatever event is causing me to want to vomit. The moms around would do a fake laugh then look at me sideways for the rest of the night. I just KNEW I wasn't the only person out there who feels this way!!!!! Thanks for the validation!

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  43. I just found your blog and I find it freakin' hilarious!! You and I have the same sense of humor and I totally understand! Love it! ~Lisa~

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  44. I wrote a Pinterest tutorial a while back; maybe it will help?

    http://www.marlowesloft.com/2011/06/pinterest-tutorial.html

    I get a lot of comments form people who think my kids are suffering b/c we Don't eat fast food, Don't watch television, and we Don't play video games. "Your kids will be pariahs" "Your kids are having a sad childhood."

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  45. Your sense of humor is amazing and if your children inherit that, they'll do just fine in this world.

    It's nice to know that there are average moms just trying to get it done and laugh a little at the stress and expectations we put on ourselves.

    Thanks!

    Twitter is a great way to get links to your blog spread quickly. That's how I found the Bloggess.

    Keep writing!
    LP

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  46. Thank you for writing this blog! I love it. It is 100% relatable to 99% of us moms. Don't keep yourself awake at night worrying about the other 1%. Just take joy in the fact that those are the kids who usually wind up in therapy because they weren't allowed to eat sugared cereal growing up. Just sayin....

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  47. Can we please be BFFs? I've been looking for some new friends & think we would really hit it off. :)

    1) I LOVE everything you said about raising your kids. Parents feeling the need to entertain their kids every second of every day just leads to bratty, ADD/ADHD-diagnosed psychos. I was an only child in the 70s whose parents both worked (OMG-how did I survive?!?!) & had to entertain myself A LOT. I'm okay & can fully function as an adult. Although I don't have any kids of my own (not by choice), I am a teacher & godparent so I spend a lot of time around today's youth. Half of them are amazing & God help us with the other half.

    3) Gross, gross, gross. Every time I'm in a movie theater I think of the 1995 movie "Outbreak" (precursor to this year's "Contagion") where the guy with the illness coughs & infects all of the other movie-goers. Disgusting.

    4) If we were BFFs, I would bake for you. I'm a pretty good baker. :)

    5) I've recently gotten into Pinterest & felt the exact same way you did before! I didn't get it, didn't know what to do, didn't know why I would want to do what I would be doing. OH & the best part was when I tried to sign up, it told me I had to be 'invited' to join & would be added to the wait list. WTF?!?! But of course that just added to my wanting to join quicker. Ridiculous human mind games. So anyway my BIL's gf sent me an invite & I started playing around w/ it. I started repining things right & left. After I played around for a while, I kinda got the hang of it. My favorite things to find are recipes (b/c I love to bake & try new dishes), anything Alabama Crimson Tide, and crafty things I can do in my classroom. Some people put cute outfits, which I like if I really like them, but I will never actually go out & buy/wear the cute outfits so that kinda bugs me. Or I'll see a super cute room & like it b/c there's no chance in hell I'll actually transform a room. Although one of these days, I hope to hire my friend to decorate my house (6+ years overdue) & can show her the cute rooms as some inspiration. So my advice (if you want to have another addiction - I was growing bored of Facebook & don't have a blog) is to just get on there & start playing around. I'm not a girly-girl & still enjoy it.

    6) I felt the same way about Twitter too until hubs joined & started following all sorts of sports guys. Hubs loves him some sports & it is a fantastic way to find sports news & links to articles. You just have to follow the right people. You can link Twitter to your Facebook so whatever you tweet will be automatically added as a Fb status. Tweets are a lot like status updates - you can share as much or as little as you want. Hashtags bug the crap out of me. They're supposed to be added so that anyone can add a common hashtag (like #BlackFriday) & then people can search for all tweets about that topic, but then you see people add ridiculous hashtags just trying to be funny/clever (#LovinSomeMuffinsThisMorning) & it always bugs me when people try to be funny/clever. Emphasis on the TRY.

    So there you have it - you asked for advice/opinions! Now, can we be BFFs??? I'll bake some cookies & send you a picture. Hope you have a lovely day. :-)

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  48. heheheehee, don't hate the haters, they are great cat toys for the rest of us.

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  49. I am not a mom (yet) but I am pretty sure the stuff that goes through your head is the same stuff that would go through mine. Keep blogging!

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  50. I love your blog. I am an "elf mom" and love our elf and the things he does. But come on - it is a little ridiculous (i'm ok with that) and funny. people need to lighten up is all. keep it coming!

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  51. I love your blog and found it actually when a friend posted the Elf post. I had to post it over on Regretsy because we love such things :)
    As my son says, haters gonna hate and the internet is full of crack heads with no sense of humor. Carry on!

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  52. Come to "the twitter" we are a scary group of oversharing, adult company deprived people who randomly have conversations and say weird things.
    Hashtags are ways of conveying either sarcasm, ie #not, #iwanttodie or to add a theme or topic others can follow ie #Christmas #Ihateallthings etc

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  53. Congratulations on your phenomenal success this week. Pretty sure you have the best blog name ever. Looking forward to reading through the archives.

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  54. Hi Jen I found you from the elf story, A friend had posted it on Facebook. I get your humor and I laughed out loud. My daughters are in college now and we missed out on the Elf on the shelf.(I have to admit I probably would have played along.)

    About Pinterest,until you install the "pin it" button on your tool bar it isn't easy to pin things.You pretty much just re-pin things. But once you install it then you can click on it to pin almost anything you come across on the web. Think of Pinterest as a big bulletin (Pin) board to save favorite things or stuff you want to find out more about,or you just like. You can create different boards to categorize all your stuff. I am one of the addicted Pinners.

    I don't do twitter either, I am actually wishing this whole social media bubble would burst and we can go back to a simpler time.

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  55. It was your elf on the shelf post. It has to be. It was sheer genius. I even posted you to the Twitter!

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  56. First off - thank you, thank you, thank you for the big belly laughs I get from your posts. (And like many others, that darned Elf is what brought me to your blog. We had one when I was a kid, called him a Pixie, not an elf and ALL he did was sit on a shelf. His smile creeped me out. I've never had the desire to have one in my adult life. My boys are teens, so they don't care either, thank GOD!

    I'm so glad to know of someone else who doesn't "get" Pinterest. I liked a friend's Pinterest post once, which somehow got an account for me, I "pinned" another few things I liked and that was the last time I was on Pinterest - maybe 15 minutes. Now I get emails every day of another of my friends who is following me there. What? And they're all SO addicted to it and spend hours on it. Hmmm. I'm only on Twitter because social media is part of my responsibility at work. I even follow my Klout score, which stresses me out when my score drops. SHEESH! I'm at @BethShumate if you want to follow me and help my Klout score. (All my Tweets are from my Facebook posts. Don't spend time actually ON twitter either.)

    Thanks again for ALL the laughs!! Keep it up!

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  57. I'm a grandma now but I wish you had been around when i wasraising my kids1 You are funny and anyone with a sense of humor has to be an awesome mom. It's the "proper" moms who raise the neurotic kids who grow up to be neurotic adults. I wonder if people called CPs about erma Bombeck, she was the sarcastic mom of my era. I laughed baout the elf because I forgot the tooth fairy the elf would have sat for days.
    As for pinterest its a way to spend money on craft items and recipe ingredients that you will pobably never get around to using. It is also a way to waste countless hours. I have to say I've found some greta ideas for my job as a school counselor, but mostly I just mindlessly pin stuff. You can pin almost anything on the web if you download the "pin it" button to your favorites bar. I pinned your blog about the elf yesterday! Pinterst is a lot like Microsoft Onenote if you have ever used that.

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  58. I absolutely LOVE you!!!! I have never followed Mommy Blogs before, since their seemingly perfect lives made me throw up a little in my mouth....but this blog is awesome, real, hysterical and true. If there are people out there that truly "feel bad" for your kids then I feel bad for
    them. They will grow up with no sense of humor.....uggg what a sad existance.....keep em coming, your posts make me happy!!!

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  59. I would ask you to marry me but that would be illegal in many states! Reading your blog is like hearing myself talk.

    1. I 100% agree with you on these things! I too am a horrible mother who's daughters will group to be strippers because I failed to provide them 24/7 entertainment. Silly me thinking that they might actually play together and entertain themselves every once in a while.

    2. I can't even find the time or desire to wrote a sarcastic holiday letter so kudos to you!

    3. Another Twi-Mom here. I at least waited until that Friday night to see it. I'm afraid that if I dared go to the midnight showing that I would have drowned in the instantaneous panty wetting.

    4. I loath cookie exchanges. If for some reason I actually agree to it, I always cheat. I buy Chips A-hoy and put them in the oven for a few minutes so some of them get a little burnt and look somewhat homemade.

    5. My love/hate relationship with Pinterest is much like yours with the Elf lady. I find a ton of great ideas but it depresses me that pinning them to a virtual board is as far as these projects are going to go for me.

    6. I don't get the Twitter thing either. What's with all the # @ garbage? I feel psychotic because it seems like I'm only seeing bits and pieces of conversations that I'm not even interested in following.

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  61. Like so many others have said, I feel like you say the things that are in my head. I have never followed any other blogs except my mom's, until now. I love you! Thank you for what you do! I wish I knew you in real life!

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  62. People are ridiculous if they actually believed that they should be concerned for your kids. Apparently some people don't get sarcasm... Screw em! :) I think your great. If they bothered to read your blog at all they would see you spend more time out and about that on the pc. Keep the posts coming I need the comedy. :)

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  63. I agree with kimmie c 100% and love your sarcasm. Screw Twitter. Force people to get the information from your blog.

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  64. Love you. Love your blog. HATE the elf. Ironically, the first time I was even aware of the little bugger was when he started to show up ALL OVER the "people you follow" feed on Pinterest. One Supermom had dedicated an entire board to Elf on the Shelf ideas. Unfollowed that one right away!

    For me, Pinterest is kind of like flipping through magazines and clipping photos of pretty things to put up on a bulletin board. (You know, like Tiger Beat when you were a teenager...i.e. Shirtless Jacob). Besides, the pool of sarcasm and snarkiness runs deep on Pinterest, you just need to know where to look. ;)

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  65. I can't get into Pinterest either. xD Found your blog from someone posting about the Elf on the shelf and I ended up reading allll the way back to April! (in one sitting, how sad is that?) You crack me up and became the first official blog that I've ever come back and checked for new posts on!

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  66. Ohmigod. I think we're sisters. Seriously. You're my new hero. Honestly, if your detractors would be honest, they're all thinking the same thing, but they're too caught up in the Stepford/Martha Stewart clusterfuck to fess up. Keep fighting the good fight for those of us who love our kids and like you said, don't have to move a fucking elf to prove it.

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  67. Okay, Jen - tweeted this to you, but in case you don't check your tweets (I rarely do), I want to tell you here, too - YOU ROCK, sister! You know why. And whether you want, care, or need another BFF (you probably have a gajillion of them now, thanks to the freaky Elf), you've got one in Texas! Merry Christmas and thank you for making mine brighter. - Beth

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  68. I love the irony of the title...a few quick things! Best 5.5 minutes of my life today. So far. Are you going to post again later? I'll wait.

    And? I love I place I can read the word fuck and then think the word fuck and not worry about if my boss's boss is going to find out about it. Fucking awesome. (See what I did there? That time I leaned out there and a ctually "said" fuck!)

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  69. I fully admit -- I'm not going to read all gazillion comments to see if I'm reposting information, so tough. Here's a tip on Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/about/goodies/
    I have the "pin it" button on my tool bar. I am a idea-aholic so I have tons of boards (including one with things I have ACTUALLY done off all the others so I feel productive sometimes). This way when I feel all "good mommy" I can pop open whichever board applies (such as Christmas or Birthday, fun lunches, etc.) and see what ideas I've stolen when I was only good at dreaming. If you login with your facebook account it will offer to connect you with anybody you're friends with on FB.

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  70. One other comment: I have added your blog to my Google Reader and find you quite hilarious. That said, I'm a prude (and I'm fine with that). I don't expect everyone else to be and I'm not going to chew you out for using "big kid words". I just thought I'd let you know that I, for one, will not share a blog post that has the f word in it. Even when it's hilarious, I'll just keep it to myself where I skim right over it. Write whatever you want! This is for you, not for me. Just was mentioning it.

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  71. I want to get an Elf now just to terrorize my children, thanks to you. didn't know I needed one SO f'ing bad! (I have three boys, therefore they MUST be sufficiently amused and bewildered by their mother for their future girlfriends and wives) Love the posts!!!!!!!!!

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  72. HAHAHAHA, I just found your blog, although it was when a friend posted your entry about people raising rude children. I love your writing although I'm not a mom yet. I had to comment on this entry though because I just got a pinterest account and I can't, for the life of me, figure out why everyone likes this site. Other than creating a board for wedding planning (which, btw, you can do on theknot site as well), and then showing it to a wedding planner so they can get an idea about what I like, I see no usefulness for this site. Seriously, how does anyone spend hours on this site?!? It's like browsing google images except you get shown a bunch of random shit that you may or may not care anything about! Ok rant over. Keep up the good writing! :)

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  73. My husband found your elf blog and insisted I read it. We (my husband and I) are on the same page with parenting. My husband has majority custody of his 11 yr old son and 8 yr old daughter, we also have twins, 22 months, of our own. I thrive on sarcasm, otherwise I would literally be put in an insane asylum dealing with our four children, my crazy family and especially my stepchildrens Ludhiana Mom. Thanks for making us laugh.....really hard. Please keep the blogs coming. I am also a blog-follower virgin. No blog has ever caught my attention like yours. Congratulations.

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  74. 1) I do not know you, therefore, I do not "love" you in anyway - I don't get those people.
    2) You must be the Queen of Sarcasm, because now you have a weird cult following.
    3) You must have some type of weird telepathy thing going on since so many people claim you are 'channeling' their thoughts. Which I'm wondering why is it just a thought to them....why don't they verbalize their annoyances?
    4) Your blog has provided me with mindless entertainment, and I'm glad you call out Bullshit when you see it.
    5) As a blogger too, I am now officially jealous of your blogging fame....but have decided it's best to stay in obsucrity with my few followers to avoid 'the haters'. And I'd hate to get all of that email & comments. I'd feel obligated to read it. I don't have time for that shit.
    Happy blogging!!

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  75. I'd just like to say I was traumatized by the elves my mother decorated with when I was a child so my children have to do entirely with out the Elf. This is probably moot since my children are a bit old for that sort of thing anyway. If I bought one I would be greeted by a 12yo eye roll, an 11yo giggle, and a 9yo- wait the the 9yo would love it, but I'm still not buying one!
    I am new to the world of Pinterest, but I have already figured out that most people are only on there to try to impress people and gain followers. To what end I have no idea, though I'm sure some know how to profit from it. Personally, I have a hard time remembering certain things (like where did I see that thing I really liked last month with the blue thingies on each side?) so I think I will find Pinterest a useful tool. I could be entirely wrong, however. I have a "pin it" button on my toolbar so I can pin any picture from any website. I also follow certain people for craft ideas since I am not terribly crafty, but my daughter is. Ah, the things we endure for our children.

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  76. Twitter: I've offered my two cents to a New-to-Twitter celebrity (I'd use quotes , but this individual actually has a new show debuting first of the year on network television). I told her, Imagine you're at a very popular restaurant - also YOUR very favorite restaurant - and you are there with your five closest friends... they know you, you know them. But, consider everyone in that restaurant "knows" you. Well, only follow those closest friends, let everyone else follow you. Also, you don't have to do anything on Twitter. But it was super nice of you to thank some of us for sharing your blog. I'm following you on Twitter to be alerted that you've written a new post... I'll live for those; I'll also re-tweet them. I've mentioned before, I want everyone I know to read it.

    Love from a fat-ass, Diet Coke drinking, ignored & lonely housewife who sits at the computer all day. *My grown kids are busy with high school studies and job.* Great having found someone who also shares similar ideas about child raising. Love them like my luggage... more.

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  77. P.S. Feel free to unfollow me if you find my frequent tweets annoying. I live hundreds of miles away from family and friends. I use Twitter to share my blog, but I'm also a news junkie. I follow geeks, nerds and comics, but have been blessed with camaraderie of a bunch of Brits and a few Americans who I adore visiting with on Twitter.

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  78. 1. Totally get it. I love my students, but occasionally refer to them as 'brats' in my head. Kids aren't always perfect. We shouldn't pretend they are - inflated self esteem. We're not always perfect. We shouldn't pretend we are - inflated self esteem.

    2. I'm impressed you know about the elf on the shelf. That alone makes you kickass.

    3. I have also written a sarcastic holiday letter before. Have you read David Sedaris' Holidays on Ice? It's got a GREAT holiday letter - super demented.

    4. I hate Twitter.

    5. I kind of like Pinterest cause I can get good teaching ideas. That's really the only use for it.

    Buzzing with Ms. B

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  79. Use twitter to tweet my blog posts, but don't divulge day to day info. Not into Pinterest... I don't really need another social media distraction. I do however have a pin it button on my posts... just so people can be directed to the original source.

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  80. One thing I LOVE about you is that you don't care what others think...so don't let the sudden popularity of your blog open up any fears of what people think of you. I feel you were trying to convince those dumbasses that you are a good person, but the fact of the matter is, you don't have to. You never have to do or say anything you don't want to. Remember, your thoughts and actions are what brought your popularity. And just like you don't give two shits about Angelina and Brad, some may not care for you and your thoughts. But that doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you're wrong either. Don't let those nitwits make you doubt yourself. Love you! XOXO

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  81. My sister posted a link to your blog on my facebook page. She decided that you and I are far too alike. I have to say, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who completely despises ignorant people. Your blog made my day! Keep 'em comin'!!!!!!!

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  82. Yea for sarcasm! And telling it like it is. Your writing makes me laugh, laugh, be interested, and laugh some more.

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  83. Oh my gosh! Can we be friends? PLEASE?!!?! I LOVE your sarcasm and I have finally met someone that says it like it is. I was in tears reading your Elf post that of course led me to read more of your posts. I could not stop laughing! I quickly became a follower and had to call everyone I know! I can't wait to read what you right next. You wright what I wish I could say to a lot of people out there. Can I just give you their email addresses for me? ;)

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  84. One person mentioned your telepathy because you are channeling everyone's thoughts. Nope. We just all have the same thoughts and there are only a rare few of us who aren't afraid to let it come out of our mouths. And the "haters" that feel sorry for your children have the same feelings too. They just can't get over the fear of someone thinking bad about them long enough to write what they think! Keep it up!!

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  85. Found your blog after the Elf post, loved it! All our elf does is move from place to place and that's only if we can remember! I love reading blogs like yours, makes me and family feel normal! Will definitely keep following you.

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  86. I am with Watsonville. I have thought pretty much every thing you have written up there. I love it!

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  87. Apparently, some will be receiving some punches to the throat for Christmas. Why do these people bother reading your blog and then spend the time to comment. How do they find time to move their elf when they're busy bitching?

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  88. So I just have to say that this is the first blog I have ever subscribed to. I think you are hilarious and real. Also, I am a psychologist, and while that definitely doesn't mean I know everything, I do know that those "worried" moms are the ones that create more problems in the mental stability of their children than mom's who teach their children what reality is.

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  89. I think you'll really, really like the comedian Tim Minchin
    http://youtu.be/ESFANzZTdYM
    Enjoy!

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  90. is it odd to find out you have so many sarcastic twins out there??? probably freaks you out more than the scary mean people.

    keep on sputtering your sarcasm... please!

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  91. It's possible we were sisters in a former life! LMAO!

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  92. Twitter is ridiculously lame for almost everyone, but not formyou. Because you've hit the viral jackpot (well deserved) It will increase traffic to your blog which will make you feel awesome, and increase your ad revenue, and increase the chance you'll get a book deal (if you want one).

    You should tweet a combination of short abstracts linking back to your posts, and some short one-liners just for the silly Twitterverse. Hastags are just words you put in your tweets so that when people search topic X (e.g. 'elf') they will stumble across your isht.

    (Insert part of my comment where I gush how you are me, how much I love your blog, how we're best friends for life, and a bullet list of how all your points relate to some feeling or anecdote in my life - because you care)

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  94. Get out of my head I tell you!! Although what you write is eerily similar I must admit I'm not nearly as good as a mom that you are. You seriously do all that stuff with them! WOW! :-D

    http://gigglelaughcry.blogspot.com

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  95. Your blog is wonderful and you don't need to change a thing...except perhaps the layout. Please don't hit me...but I'd love for the middle column where the posts sit to be wider. Much wider! It would make it easier to read.

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  96. I simply want to say you're my hero!!! I found your blog thru a facebook friend with your Elf piece. Truly frickin' hilarious!!!!

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  97. Once again, LOVED this posting! I have to agree with you 100% on item #1. Growing up, our mother always said, "Life's a shit sandwich and you take a bite out of it everyday." Some people think what was harsh and out of line for a mother, but she was setting us up for reality. We didn't grow up in Lala land with our parents doing everything for us. We didn't have things handed on a silver platter. We could entertain ourselves for hours on end, we didn't need any hand-holding. You're doing a great job as a mother and I guarantee that your two kids will be a hell of a lot more productive and better-adjusted as adults than the spoiled kids I see today. Keep on doing your job!

    Also, re: Twitter, check to see if you can link your Blog to your Twitter account. Then, anything that you post on the Blog will then be reposted to Twitter. It's a lazy man's way of doing it. I do this for work...

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  98. Is it ironic that I discovered you pinterest? Our elf does nothing hardly. He did buy 2 cute houndstooth stocking ornaments and he brought Just Dance 3. Honestly the ornaments were half-price and I really wanted to play just dance. If you lived in my town, you would definitely he my bff.

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  99. Wow...
    You're pretty awesome. I too started following because your Elf blog was reposted on facebook. I'm sure you have heard of Chelsea Handler...I wouldn't be surprised if yall have met. I'm debating writing her (probably on twitter) and suggesting she have you on her show. The banter would be priceless!

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  100. Oh thank goodness, I got a message that you were following me on Twitter and panicked. I've been on there for a few years now and have a grand total of 12 tweets and my last one was from over a year ago. I was sure that you had been on forever and would soon realize that my account was super boring and delete me. Yay for not really getting twitter!. & you are awesome & I love almost everything you say. (Loving everything would be boring. :) I like a bit of disconnected, I've-never-met-you-and-never-will conflict.)

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  101. You rock. I love other moms who tell it like it is. The world is too full of the ones getting botox from the wrinkles they're giving themselves with their fake smiles, chirping about how perfect their lives and kids are and then going home and sobbing in their Haagen Dazs while they throw crystal picture framed family photos at their husbands who impregnated them in the first place. Trust me - I live in a neighborhood full of Mombies who treat me like an outsider because my ex-husband (gasp!) has primary custody of my son, which of course to them means I MUST have done something horribly wrong and a judge took my child away, and no other option. Sigh.

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  102. LOVE this blog - it's just sooooooooo funny! Thank you! :-)

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  103. Love this blog- I just found it today from Babycenter and it made me laugh out loud. I went to her blog too and you have a shout out on the "knit hat" section. ha ha! As far as Pinterest goes, you might find the "humor" section enjoyable. You don't have to Pin to be on Pinterest. I have an account and hardly pin at all. I go on the humor section because there are some days that the things people pin are so funny I cry. I am a new follower and keep on writing!!!

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  104. I LOVE pinterest. It reminds me of my own personal catalog. Think of it this way: say you are planning a birthday party for your kid and you are looking for party ideas - you can create a board called "birthday party ideas". Then when you are shopping around on the internet and you see something that you like you can pin it to that board instead of going "now, where did I see that?" Its all there and you can click on your picture and it will take you directly to the sight where you can find the item. I use it for that sort of thing. One of my friends made a board for birthday present ideas for her hubs. That way he could look all in one spot and he could see what she wanted. Another friend of mine made a board for her kitchen re-model. She pinned light fixture ideas, hardware ideas, tile ideas, etc. I find it very helpful with projects and you have everything in one spot - not all over the internet.

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  105. You rock sister. You keep me laughing. Thanks.

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  106. My sis-in-law sent your "Elf" link to me because she knew I would love it. We were just discussing the whole "Elf on a shelf craze" and the ridiculousness of it all. I shared your link on Facebook and I offended some people. :) I've never followed a blog or did anything like this before but after reading your "Elf" story and reading your page, I just couldn't help myself. I think you are funny and real and I totally get your sarcasm. Finally, a mom I can relate to. Thank you!

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  107. Love your blog because of your sarcasm! Keep it coming ;)

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  108. I went to dinner last night for my birthday and one table over was filled with women and I over heard them talking about your elf on the shelf blog being hilarios, and how great you are! I was laughing to my self as they quoted you about feather pillows! Your blog is spreading like wildfire! Congrats!

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  109. I can't tell you how much I love your blog. I was directed here by Rants from Mommyland and you guys get me through the day. Keep up the good work and tell the Haters to go screw!!

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  110. Pintrest... The key to Pintrest is to have a "Pin It" button at the top of your browser. If you go to your pintrest page and look at the top right, there is an about button. Hover over this and when the little window opens the second option is Pin it button. Once you click on this it gives you instructions on how to install a permanent "pin it" button on your browser.

    Once you have the button installed... As you search through things on the internet (recipes, books, random pictures, etc) and find something you like, you click on your "pin it" button. It then pulls up all the pictures on the screen and you click on the one you want to use. A new window appears in which you pick which board you wish to pin it on. Then you write a quick description and click the pin it button at the bottom. This will now be a link on your pin board.

    As far as your boards go, you can have boards for anything! I myself have books, recipes, wedding ideas, craft ideas and more. It is an easy way to get back to things I find online but do not have the time to investigate at that time.

    Hope this helps!

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  111. I am a new follower and my first read was the Elf post and I was hooked immediately! I have 5 kids and they all have wonderful Christmas memories and guess what...I never had a damn Elf. and if whiny moms are so worried about your children being neglected while you post...where are theirs while they READ YOUR POSTS? geez people need to get real and relax!

    keep up the good work!

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  112. You're hysterical. In Seinfeld vein, I could have a non-romantic crush on you. Some people will never understand sarcasm. And you know what they can do if they can't take a joke...

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  113. The truth sometimes hurt, but it is also pretty friggin hilarious!

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  114. I think you are an AWESOME mom. These kids whose judge-y moms dote on their babies and do all that Elf moving crap wind up being too sheltered and in many cases think the world owes them a living b/c their mommies told them for 21 years that they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I am about to become a mom after two years of trying to conceive, so trust me, I am SO excited to become a mom and appreciate it likely more than most as it took so long to 'get here'. But I want my kids to eventually be able to entertain themselves sometimes (obviously not at 3 weeks old but when they are like, 7 or something). I will love them, do everything I can for them when it comes to schooling, nutrition, guidance, structure, love and attention - but part of being a great parent is letting them do their own thing, letting them become their own person because that helps them to decide who they are. Your job is to provide the parental structure, but also accept them for who they are, without smothering them. I think you do that with humor and aplomb, so everyone who is judging should mind their own damn business.

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  115. You are hysterical! I followed you last night and you followed back, so you've got that twitter etiquette down. I sit here and read your blogs laughing hysterically while my daughter looks at me like I've lost it. You say exactly what I'm thinking. People need to lighten up!

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  116. I don't get Twitter or hashtags or pinterest either and I don't have the time to read every comment posted in response to this blog. Hell, I can't figure out how to follow your blog, so I just liked you on Facebook. If you do ever discover the fascination of the twats and the pinheads, will you educate the simpletons like myself? You can threaten to punch me in the throat for forcing you to explain it when that really isn't even your shtick, but I'll be too drunk on vodka and Sprite to care.

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  117. JenniferArmstrong posted a great layout for Pinterest. I love it - and I do spend hours there. The pins remind me of things that I would LIKE to do. Most of them have directions and whatnot - so I have pins for recipes / house stuff / photography (A secret passion) / christmas ideas / and so many other things. I might not ever do them, but I like to get ideas for things that I can do.

    I found you by browsing blogs in blogger. I stumbled right here and decided that I loved it - I stumbled here the day that you were talking about your elf on a shelf. Unfortunately for my own children, they are older and I didn't know anything about the damn elf until this year. So - they will just have to survive without those memories.

    I agree with the others - people need to lighten up. I mostly say what I am thinking but I always appreciate the ones that can get away with ALWAYS saying what they are thinking. I will get there though - baby steps.

    Thank you for being so candid and inspiring. May your blob continue to grow!

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  118. You are a very funny and talented writer. Love all of your posts. My daughter shared you blog on face book when you had written about Elf on the Shelf and I have been a follower since. I really think you should put all of your thoughts into a book. It would be a best seller! Thanks for all the laughs and truths.

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  119. I was hoping your holiday letter WAS legit. I'd love to send one out just like it but I'm probably not brave enough.

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  120. ADORE the little shout out to the Mompetition. I'll be adding you to my blog roll.

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  121. Thank you for the laughter. I still don't get twitter..... or google +. Pinterest is cool and not sure why you can't repin. Maybe the repinning police have you blocked? LOL

    You sometimes strike such a cord with me. I love being a mom, but it's also really hard work. Really hard work. Like yesterday a screaming 4 yr old in the library and people I guess being kind but really needing to mind their own beeswax. You are funny and help to keep my sanity on those days where I wish I could hide under the bed all day.

    BTW, still don't have an Elf. I am convinced I would need a life sized replica of the fat man himself and then it might not work. I resorted yesterday after the library incident to "calling" and requesting a last minute appointment to discuss the "Christmas" issue and how I think he needs to skip our house this year..... yeah I'm a horrid mommy.

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  122. Hands down, my new favorite blog! Thank you for comic relief. You and Will Ferrel top my list of people I wish were my neighbors!

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  123. Can I "like" this post. My husband and I also raise our kids in the "real world." Yes we have many fun days, but we also have bad days, and also don't live in "Disneyland." The real world isn't sugar coated, and it is easier to deal with if Mommy and Daddy teach them that from the start. I have seen many of my daughters peers who now have "issues" (they are between 16-20 now) because the lived in a very happy, happy, joy, joy world growing up and now have a hard time in the Real World.

    Keep up the great writing. Very entertaining but true. 8)

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  124. Ha, on the Twitter topic.. my husband made a Twitter out of boredom and his only tweet is "gotta love technology.. now I can Twitter from the sh!tter." ...that was a year ago, and no activity since.

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  125. You are my hero! I just found your blog and am now going to cyber stalk you...

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  126. Flippin' hysterical!! I can totally relate to so much!!! Thank you for making me laugh out loud!! So glad I'm not the only mom out there that feels this way about so many of these things!!!

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  127. You're pretty funny.... Stay away from Twitter tho, you'll lose your credibility like QUICK!! I.e. "Just took a shit and had to wipe three times! @poopchecker... Dumb. Grateful to my sis who forwarded me your blog, we write similarly. Love your sarcasm and wit. You've got a new reader in Oregon. Merry Christmas Jen..

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  128. Ok seriously I LOVE your blog. I love that you are REAL. Some people just wont admit to feeling the way you do but lets be honest we all do feel that way. I think you are great. Thanks for making me laugh.

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  129. Like so many others I was directed to your blog because of the elf post. I fell mad-hard in love with your blog! I think you're awesome and the fact that you tell it like it is and don't try to put on some fake super-mommy front is refreshing in the land of blogs. This post (and i am way behind reading because with superwhinyclingypsychoboy, as my son is lovingly known, home on Christmas break i have little time to focus on reading blogs) had me laughing and saying yes, yes, yes exactly! I hate it when moms think they need to constantly entertain their kids. They need to learn to be independent beings. That shit doesn't just happen on its own! If I am constantly entertaining my kid he will expect it of ALL THE TIME. I never expected my mom to entertain me. I went outside and ran naked through a cornfield (okay, i wasn't naked). Anyway.... I just wanted to say that the super fake moms of the world are wrong and when they have 50 year old children still living with them they will get that.

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  130. Kudos for this whole post, but especially the part about your kids. I read your blog all the time, and never once have I read something that made me "worry" about your children. So you're not an overachiever; I'm not one either, and my child is getting along just fine. People are idiots.

    As far as Pinterest, others may have answered your questions, but I don't feel like wading through 100+ comments to see. Hopefully this helps! :)

    Pinterest is basically a visual bookmark site. You pin things you like into different categories (boards), and instead of bookmarks that are just links, now you have photos that are easy to go through. And if you click on the photo in a pin, it will take you to the website/blog post the photo came from, so you can always find things you want to remember.

    To pin things from other websites, you need the Pin It button in your bookmarks bar: http://pinterest.com/about/goodies/

    To follow others, you have to go all the way to their page and follow them from there. If that's not working for you, I have no idea how else you can follow them. :/

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  131. I am so so glad I found your blog. I could read this for hours on end. I can't help with the pinintrest or twitter because I'm in the same boat. I just sit on Pininterest and wonder "wtf am I supposed to do?" I haven't even figured out how to repin LOL

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  132. OMG! I SOOO had a similar theater experience. Except I went to see the muppets with my mom and little sister...I thought, "woo! popcorn! licorice whips! frozen cookie dough bites!...I never go to the movies! Of course you can splurge!"...then... about 6 hours later...after sitting in the infested seats and sharing peoples infected air....BLAM! no more popcorn...or anything for that matter. for days.

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  133. Anonymous09:37

    OMG. I'm so glad I found you. I used to be one of those moms you are talking about. My kids are spaced out pretty far 23, 17 and 10. I have learned what is important and what is BS. I don't have to make every minute a freakin life changing miracle. My kids love me the rest of the judgmental moms can kiss my a#$

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  134. So i'm an over achieving Elf on the shelf mommy!! I'm proud of it!!! Well the way i look at it is i don't care, if i am one! I'm a Marine Corp wife who husband was deployed last year, when i got my elf last year, i had to find some entertaining way to enterained my girls, try to keep their minds off of daddy being in a war zone. So i did fun creative ways to do this elf on the shelf, whether it's good elf or naughty elf!! So just cause this parent or other people forget about their elf' on a shelf or doesn't want to have fun with their elf. but instead wanting punch people in the face, because their not creative enough like the over achieving elf's on the shelf mommies are! So with that being said Let the over achieving elf's on the shelf mommies being!!

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