I realize Wal Mart is like Mecca for white trash, but I live near a NICE Wal Mart. My Wal Mart is clean and bright. You see designer handbags in shopping carts and fancy SUVs in the luxurious parking lot. I don't even think my Wal Mart sells guns!
So today I was a little surprised by what I saw: white trash style mixed with conservative Christian sensibilities. I guess it makes sense - the Fourth of July IS coming and these are the two types of people who really embrace this holiday more than the rest of us. Flags and explosives, it's like Kuntry Kristmas in Kansas (well, Missouri really, because we can't have fireworks in the city limits over here).
As I was walking into WM, (read: slogging through 90+ degree heat - ugh!) I noticed a few trucks in the parking lot with "decorations" that perturbed me. That and the weather put me in a mood. I walked in looking for a fight. I didn't get one from Customer Service (thank you, Wal Mart!) so instead I had to walk through the store looking for people who irritated me while I found the items I was missing. Here's what I came up with:
|Stay classy lady, thanks for the warning.|
1. People with "decorations" on their car. I'm talking about the guy with the decal on the back window of his Ford. The decal shows Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes fame) urinating on the Chevy emblem. Classy. Another guy had Truck Nutz hanging from his trailer hitch. Sexy. I wonder what kind of women are attracted to these guys? I can only imagine if the Hubs had picked me up for our first date and he had Truck Nutz swinging from his Chevy. Needless to say, I don't think we'd be where we are today.
2. Bumper Stickers I saw that irked me:
Welcome to America, Now Speak English! (Last I checked America doesn't have an official language.)
Pro Life, Pro Gun, Pro God (God doesn't want us to kill a fetus, but you can shoot anyone on your property - or God's beautiful animals, stuff them and hang them in the living room.)
Motherhood: A Proud Profession (Would a doctor put this on her car? Pediatric Heart Surgeons: We've Got the Beat. Why are mothers the only ones who feel a need to broadcast to the world that they're doing a tough job, but they're proud of it? I guess it's better than the double entendre ones like Teachers Do It With Class.)
3. I counted 3 mullets. Two were on women.
4. I saw a mother slap her one year old and say, "Quit yer crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" I thought that saying went out in the '70s! I hope she wasn't the one with the motherhood bumper sticker.
5. I think I caught a guy shoplifting. I can't be sure, but I came around a corner in the men's department and he moved quickly and looked guilty. He was in the underwear section. Underwear is expensive as crap - even at WM. It's like 2 bucks per tighty whitey. If he's desperate enough to steal underwear, I'm not going rat him out. He was probably the guy with the OBummer sticker on his car.
6. I saw a mom and her 13 year old daughter who was wearing short shorts with "Juicy" on her ass. Her mom must not read this blog. They were in the Family Planning aisle looking at pregnancy tests. Nah, they weren't, but THAT would have been classic!! They were buying hair spray. Boring.
7. LOTS of bathing suits today under various forms of cover up. It was hot out, no doubt. But that doesn't give women who are built like me the excuse to shop in nothing but shorts and a bikini top. Yikes. It also doesn't give hot women the right to show us non-hot women what we don't have.
8. A man who got irritated with me when I nicely asked his child to get up off the floor in the middle of the aisle so I could get my cart by. At first I thought he was mad at the kid, but once I got past his accent (I know which car WASN'T his) I realized he was mad at me for talking to his kid. Sorreeee. Get your damn kid out of the aisle. Next time I'll roll over him like a speed bump.
9. Foodies. Every cart I passed seemed to be full of Cheetos Light, Natty Light and hot dogs. Hope I get invited to that party.